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A tough decision
I recently escaped a narcissistic boss. I had been with the company for 8 years and reported to this person for 5. Getting out was mentally and emotionally exhausting. Pandemic did not help. As I wrapped up that part of my life, I was depleted and exhausted.
The good news was that I ended up having two job offers and made the decision to pick the one that was similar to the role I had to leave. I’ve been in the role for a month and have a growing feeling that I would be happier in the job offer that I declined. The CFO at the company recently reached out to say that the offer is still on the table if I am interested.
A friend of mine recently said to me, “It’s all hard but you get to pick your hard.” I’m looking at the hard of staying in a job that won’t be a long term fit but will be fine for a couple of years or the hard of quitting this job and starting up the other one in hopes of a better long term fit. How would you approach this crossroads moment? What factors would you consider?
Thank you in advance for any advice and support.
Vanessa Abron
32
10/26/20 at 2:24AM UTC
This is a tough question to answer. You have to combine intuition AND logic instead of picking one or the other to guide you. As the others said ahead of me, really think about why you think the other place would be better? However, don't neglect that you picked the place you are at currently for a reason as well. Write your list of pros and cons, and seriously meditate on it. However, as a spiritual student and practitioner, I wouldn't feel right if I told you to ignore your intuition. My intuition has yet to be wrong and I'm sure you have a strong intuition aslo. However, make sure it's your intuition and not a "grass is greener" feeling. Your friend is right, It's all hard and we have to pick our hard.
Anonymous for a day
449
10/25/20 at 4:29AM UTC
Make a list of pros and cons for each job. When doing so, do you find yourself wanting to find more pros with one of the options? If so, that’s your answer. It doesn’t sound like you’re excited about the job you’re in now but is that only because you’re still learning the ropes? I asked myself similar questions with my last job. Good luck with your decision!
Alexandria WagnerAVP II, Web Engineering
383
10/25/20 at 7:42PM UTC
I agree! A good old fashioned pro/con list can really help when making decisions.
AntonetteWhat can I do to help you to win?
40
10/24/20 at 7:11PM UTC
I believe that you have received some sound advice. I am quite proud of you for those brave steps already taken. You obviously have begun to mend from the negative experience of the last position. We are all rooting for you.
Anonymous
10/24/20 at 5:52PM UTC
Original poster here! I am in awe at the thoughtful responses from all of you. At this time, I’m engaging back with the other company to ask questions and get some input (as you all recommended). I’m also going to dialogue with the manager of the job I’m in about the things that feel like a bait-and-switch. I am also working to understand the extent of the psychological damage from the unhealthy environment. I have some recovery to do from that ... and yes I feel incredibly lucky to be out of that place and to have this moment of possibility!
Michelle StewartResults-driven digital marketer and proud Momma
452
10/24/20 at 5:15PM UTC
Hi! You are so brave! Doing anything for eight years and then upsetting that comfort zone is one of the scariest things imaginable. You did it though! Honestly, after some of the things I’ve experienced in my life and some of the loss that I’ve had, it’s blessedly easier for me now to make changes like that.
And I’m grateful for that because I was definitely someone who, if you have something stable, then you stick to it.
We’ve only got one life, sister! We truly, at any given time, could only have minutes left and so I try to live my life in minutes now. I found I get a lot more done and also have a lot more of those little impactful moments.
If you think you would’ve been happier at the job you didn’t take, then call up that CEO and tell him or her that you’ll do it. You have to chase what makes you happy, while still handling business of course, but what we do during the day is just as important as what we’re doing with our family and our friends and our loved ones and for us. Since you’re already in this pattern of change, do it while you’re still brave and hopefully it will help you to continue to be brave to chase whatever you want. The one thing I would never recommend though is to make a change where money is you’re number one deciding factor. Personally, I’ve never had success when I did that back in the day.
I heard about something in self-help a long time ago and I only just implemented it a few years ago but it has truly saved my sanity.
It’s called the stop-loss.
I am using this actively for everything. Family, friends, acquaintances and professional. After my daughter passed away, I decided that I was going to do everything possible to live fully, happily, without regret and with goals. So I sat down one day and wrote out my ‘stop losses’. These are behaviors, things, patterns that I would not continue to indulge in if they are not healthy for me. If, at any point, something or one in my life gets to that stop-loss or passes it, or tramples my boundaries of wellness, love, professionalism, etc., then I have to walk away. I have no choice if I’m going to truly honor those boundaries and goals that I set for myself.
I always found it very difficult to walk away from even toxic people and things, especially if it was stable in my life because it was stability that I craved. I can’t say that it’s not sad that there are family members or friends that I don’t talk to, Jobs where I have loved the work and the people but had extremely toxic bosses or management, but once they pass my stop-loss, it’s no longer a choice. It’s much easier that way Because I feel that I can make decisions more rationally when there are boundaries and it avoids me making any decisions like that based on emotional factors.
Try it and if it’s not your style, then you’ll find something else that works.
But if something doesn’t make you happy in this world, decide if that’s something you want to keep investing in. But never stop trying to find something that DOES make you happy and fulfilled.
And I understand about the pandemic and all that but just try to balance and as long as you always have a job, I don’t see anything wrong with finding a new one if you’re going to be more happy. I work in a recruitment firm that does nationwide placements in all fields and I’m telling you, jobs are there!
Eventually, you’ll find where you’re meant to be. And I’m so grateful to say that I have. But that’s because I never stopped trying. I had found one other place like this in my life but it was because I literally went through three or four jobs in a row to find it. And then I went through a ten-year period of loss and refused to settle and that eventually led me to literally the greatest workplace I’ve ever been a part of. There are places like that- places where the manager cares more about you than profit, a place where the employees are kind to each other and helpful and where we truly work as a team and have a culture of positivity, enthusiasm and excellence. It’s out there!!
Best of luck to you and I’m so excited by your bravery! Humans instinctively want to stay where it’s safe but that doesn’t mean that it’s always good for us. :) One more thing I’ve learned, always, always follow your gut! Even if you’re not used to doing so, it’s still talks to you. Follow your gut and I don’t believe that it would lead you astray. I’m so happy that you at least have choices but that, most of all, you got out of a place that will never help you to fulfill your professional goals the way you want. Thoughts and prayers for you! You go girl!
Tina Williams
20
10/25/20 at 1:22PM UTC
I just loved your thoughtful post. It was helpful for me, too!
Anonymous
10/24/20 at 4:43PM UTC
I feel like being honest ... I’m so jealous of anyone that has a choice of offers or who can pick up with the next thing and not have lapses. I had a long, successful career and tried to transition. It hasn’t gone well and I started it too late, so the age discrimination feels insurmountable ... then the pandemic. Geeesh!
Count. Your. Blessings!!
Michelle StewartResults-driven digital marketer and proud Momma
452
10/24/20 at 5:44PM UTC
I’m sorry that the transition hasn’t gone well. May I ask what you are transitioning from and to? Please don’t ever think you started too late. I absolutely applaud you for your courage and willingness to chase what you love.
I can definitely attest to age discrimination and how real it is, as I was very disappointed to find out myself a few years ago. Just remember though, everything in the world is about marketing.
Companies have to market for the best employees, products and places have to market to get business and we are responsible for marketing ourselves. I’ve heard various objections and excuses for ageism. I’ve also seen and experienced discrimination when it comes to being a single mother and even being a single 40 something-year-old. I’ve also seen and experienced discrimination when it comes to being a single mother and even being a single 40 something-year-old. There will always be some type of discrimination because humans will always be a part of the process so, until there’s a better way, you have to market yourself differently.
There are pitfalls to hiring extremely young employees who haven’t been in the field long, just like there’s pitfalls for hiring anyone, really.
This is why I love working for the Recruiter that I do, because hiring managers aren’t allowed to discriminate based on age. We don’t allow it or we don’t work with them and all of our clients have to have a winning culture, places that put people first. Evolved management understands that when you put people first, profits always follow!
But every time you’re looking at a new Job description or you’re in front of a hiring manager, remember what I said about marketing yourself. Find their barriers, or their preconceived notions for success, and demolish them. Pick them apart one by one without them ever having said anything about it.
Some of my best employees have been 70 year-old ladies because they show up every day and, as long as you allow them to break whenever they want, their work output is more consistent than other age groups! But the sad truth of the matter is, do you want to be in a place that would not give someone a chance based on their age, sex or other physical factor?
It’s sad that we live in a world where this has to be a concern, but it is. So try to figure out why it is that they want someone younger and give them reasons why that’s a mistake and why you’ll be the best person despite any outside factors.
And I gave the same advice to anyone, whether they are young or middle-aged or female or male or transgender.. Only focus on why you’ll be the best. And if they don’t hire you, then I truly believe that it was for a reason and you’ll figure out what that is later on. Thoughts and prayers for you!
Lori Ann DeLappe-GrondinTraining & Learning Development
114
10/24/20 at 4:39PM UTC
Good for you for disentangling yourself from the first job. That is hard to do.
It seems like a lot of good advice above mimics mine - when u you ou started to feel the ew job wasn’t a good fit, the universe said, “cool, how about this?” That’s a powerful message. I also agree to ask as many questions of the new offer as you can to determine if it really is a right fit.
One of my job interview sessions ended with the final interview being a conversation. At one point, one team member asked if the question should be technical or fun. Fun was the choice - ended up being a delightful conversation about bucket list items and I learned a lot about them as well. Made me confident in my choice.
Let’s us know what you decide!
Johanna Seasonwein, PhDWorkforce development expert
18
10/24/20 at 3:18PM UTC
I would agree with the previous posters--go for the other job. In my experience, I've still been in honeymoon phase with a new job at the point you're at. If you're already questioning your decision, I think that's a sign that the current job isn't the best fit for you. But definitely do have a conversation with the other employer to get any questions you have answered, so that you can jump confidently with both feet. Good luck!
Anonymous
10/24/20 at 3PM UTC
I would love to have your dilemma. I have been out of work since June 2019 and I am working on getting some much needed certifications and looking at what I really want to do. My motto is "I want the rest of my life to be the best of my life"
Honestly, consider the other position. With each new job there should be a challenge. Fear is normal and it sounds like you are already bored at your current job.
Michelle StewartResults-driven digital marketer and proud Momma
452
10/24/20 at 5:54PM UTC (Edited)
I love your motto! Please have faith because I promise it will work out. I was doing great until early 2019, at that point I was making the most I ever had in my life, when I lost a large client early last year and it just threw everything off.
I went from the best I’ve ever done to nothing and I was devastated. It seems like no matter how hard I tried, nothing came through. I barely scraped by with rent and required payments for that year, most of it borrowed money, and thanks God because my first priority was keeping my daughter in our home.
I just couldn’t understand that with my skill set and abilities, because I know what kind of job I do, but I couldn’t find anything! It literally went on until almost a year to the day. In February of this year I got a job and although I took a pay cut, it’s literally my dream job with my dream employer. Because of everything that happened, God knew that if I had gotten a job six months before I found this one, that I never would’ve started looking or quit that job for another.
So I suffered through a whole year of worry and angst and desperation but it led me to where I am now. Honestly, I would go through it all again if it meant working for this place!! So I was made to wait and tough it out until my current employer realized that they needed me and started looking for someone.
This company cares about people, even over profits, and management is kind and generous. I truly found great people at a great place.
So try to remember that everything happens for a reason. You definitely won’t see it or understand it but if you keep doing the right thing and you hang in there, your motto will come true!
Thoughts and prayers for you! Don’t give up and keep looking and take the job that your heart tells you to take- it’ll all work out. Just hang in there until your opportunity comes available! :)
Anonymous
10/24/20 at 5:56PM UTC
Thank you for this. I am a firm believer things for happen for a reason and to get you prepared for something better.
I am glad things worked out as well for you and pray for your continued success
Steph McDonaldRecruiter doing cool things at Zapier
299
10/24/20 at 2:47PM UTC
Ultimately your happiness is the most important thing. Go to the other job if you feel like it would make you happier. Waiting two years in a job you don't care for is not moving your career forward.
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