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Kristina Repperger
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43
Advocate, Senior Business Analyst, PhD Student
06/30/20 at 11:46AM UTC
in
Lifestyle & Relationships

Divorce with grace

Anyone else currently going through a divorce process? I work full time, currently remote and may be indefinitely, have 2 littles (5 and 6), a dog, mother, mother in law and host of others who’s opinions are unsolicited but often given... My ex and are are in agreement and doing things very amicably however, it was my decision ultimately and am made to feel the guilt daily... we’ve separated officially, went to mediation (waiting for the first set of papers since May), I’m living in my own house, he’s still in his, the kids are on a 50/50 schedule, every 2/2/3, we’ve worked out holidays and all the things going forward... I’m moving my things slowly into my home as to not disturb the kids everyday but all of a sudden their house being 1/2 empty... he’s had dinner here a couple of times so far and the kids are doing as well as anyone could hope... my mother in law and my mother are the ones that seem to be having the biggest problem with it all and it is understandable since they are from a different generation and self worth, self care, generally anything that makes you happy is deemed selfish and inconsiderate to the family as you are not the martyr they thought they raised you to be. I find myself ignoring or avoiding them more than anything which makes me sad and feel even more guilty... I’m searching for maybe some advice or ways to help with this ❤️ Anything is greatly appreciated ❤️ I’m still unlearning a lot also, so my backbone is growing, not as strong as I’d like it to be and I’m learning to set healthy boundaries as well. So even something small may help ❤️

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Robyn Wick
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736
HiEd Professional/PT Fitness Inst
07/08/20 at 4:07PM UTC
I've been divorced for 5+ years. We don't share kids, but we share/d a lot of friends. What I realized was that some of our friends and family struggled with it more than we did. People will be angry or afraid and you cannot control their behaviors or feelings. I had to lay it out there that I didn't want to hear any trash talk about my ex (even though, personally, he deserved it) because it didn't make me feel better or benefit either of us. I had to take the high road a lot and it sucked, but five years out, it has served me really well. I've retained meaningful friendships and even relationships with some of my former in laws and I've let some go because they didn't have my back. Whatever happens, please take care of yourself. Your kids will see that you value keeping yourself healthy and happy, which allows you to keep them healthy and happy. I'm so glad things are amicable with your ex. Sometimes relationships end and we are ready to let go but the others in our lives aren't. :) Good luck and be sure to enjoy the process of building a life for you. I know it feels selfish, but it truly makes a big difference and the people around you who love you and whom you love, will value that.
Erin McCabe-Barbera
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922
Security administrator
07/06/20 at 1:54PM UTC
I to divorced, I won’t share the details however my question is could it be that the mothers are afraid they’re on t see the children as much as they used to? Maybe they are afaraid they will be left out and won’t have relationships with the kids ? Just a thought ? Divorce is never easy ,even when you both agree and try to work it out , everyone has an opinion for you, at the end of the day it’s your life live it as you see fit
Cat
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12
Evolving Phoenix
07/01/20 at 1:18PM UTC
Just my two cents, Kristina I am divorced as well since 2013 and desperately tried to be amicable , friendly and caring after our separation but over time it changed drastically on his side. I realized my ex was not mature enough to keep the agreement even at his age- early forties. It all depended on who he hooked up with, any girlfriend became more important then his two daughters. I have always taken the high road for my girls sake and it has made me stronger and proud of the person I have become . So my advice no matter what the future holds don't let anyone change how you feel about yourself and your decisions. As for the family they are just going to have to deal.... being a mom and everyone else these days have to adapt to changes, good or bad.. best of luck I truly hope every things stay amicable and caring
Kristina Repperger
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43
Advocate, Senior Business Analyst, PhD Student
07/01/20 at 1:23PM UTC
Thank you so much! That’s part of why I felt it was so important to literally have everything written down in the papers... even if he doesn’t want to take the kids for whatever reason, I’ll gladly keep them on those days and they will eventually see their own perceptions... I think everyone else will eventually get to the point where this is the best decision and that’s why I did it... until then I’ll just keep my head up, my back strong and my communication abundantly open... thank you for your advice ❤️
Myra Symons
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55
Disabled House Frau Caregiver
06/30/20 at 4:16PM UTC
Amicable is way way way cheaper. If possible, do that. It's expensive to divorce (they lure you in with the cheap marriage licenses and those diamond commercials) But a contested divorce will likely wipe you both out financially. If you are thinking of getting back together for the kids, think of a better reason or forget it. An amicable divorce leave WAY more reason for changing your mind. I did all my paperwork myself with some clues from a dear friend who'd done it herself also (from the same area) We saved thousands. It sucks when kids are involved way more agreements must be made. Amicable divorce paves the way for amicable co-parenting which is the best for the kids when it's possible.
Kristina Repperger
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43
Advocate, Senior Business Analyst, PhD Student
06/30/20 at 4:24PM UTC
Agreed!! We sat via zoom with the mediators and had a 2 hour meeting where we reviewed everything... the paperwork is being filed and then the divorce will be granted... we are at the end of the day, best friends who had amazing children together and are just no longer romantically compatible... we really do want to best for one another... so I’m hoping that this stays this way... I’m sure down the line when we get new partners feelings of hurt or sadness or even a little jealously may arise, but I’m going to continue to face every step with a positive mind and remind him to do the same... at the end of the day, it’s not about us, it’s about the kids and as long as they have love around them and poured into them, they will be okay. ❤️
Stephanie Beck
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207
Helping others be their professional best selves
06/30/20 at 1:20PM UTC
I just want to share that each decision you make needs to be the best one in the moment. It will lead you where you need to be. I have been divorced twice and am now married to the love of my life (3rd time's the charm). Interestingly enough, we first met in college in 1989 and reconnected years later. Make decisions that feed your intentions. All the best to you and your family!
Kristina Repperger
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43
Advocate, Senior Business Analyst, PhD Student
06/30/20 at 1:27PM UTC
Thank you so much! That is what I feel, each decision is made thoughtfully and with consideration, just like the decision to ask for the divorce. Congratulations on navigating the process and reconnecting with the love of your life ❤️❤️
Geri Atwood
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14
11/10/20 at 2:44PM UTC (Edited)
Break ups are never easy. Good for you to move on. I hope things continue to stay amicable. Ages ago a wise sage told me "we choose our feelings" - so next time you feel guilty try to figure out why. You can choose to NOT feel guilty........
Kristina Repperger
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43
Advocate, Senior Business Analyst, PhD Student
06/30/20 at 1:08PM UTC
I love that!! Thank you!!
Explorer603543
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16
06/30/20 at 1PM UTC
Hello. I am divorced as well. Lucky for you it is amicable- mine wasn't. All I have to add, is you only get one life. It should be full of as many positive moments as possible. If your ex isn't the person to do that with move on. After divorcing myself I know it takes much more courage and strength to decide to have a better life and leave versus staying in something you know isn't working. You will be a better stronger person for yourself and for your children.
Kristina Repperger
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43
Advocate, Senior Business Analyst, PhD Student
06/30/20 at 1:07PM UTC (Edited)
That’s exactly what I feel! I’m teaching my children that it is not okay to settle, it is not okay to stay with someone just because it’s safe. I’m sorry that yours was turbulent... I’m hoping mine stays amicable, we’ll see when new partners are introduced in the future.

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