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Anonymous

09/16/20 at 8:57PM UTC

Career

Deal-breaking email mistake got me reported to HR — now I may lose my dream job

I've been working at my company for over a year and a half, and I've come to develop feelings for one of my coworkers (who's on another team). There's no company policy against relationships between coworkers — although you do have to report it to HR — and I thought this coworker felt similarly, so I reached out. I sent a totally embarrassing, romantic poem via email to my coworker. He did not feel similarly and reported me to HR. I feel so terrible and I think this may cost me my role! How can I move forward and not tarnish my reputation with the company — or my coworker?

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Laura McCann

325

Driving results through people engagement

09/23/20 at 4:30PM UTC

So many great comments from everyone. As an HR person, I do not see your employment being terminated for this. Agree with Sandra, be prepared to take a course on Sexual Harassment as that sounds like what the crux of his complaint. Recommendation for you going forward: no poems to anyone that you have not shared your feelings with before and have confirmed they share your feelings. :)

Sandra Placide

Business Continuity Analyst

09/23/20 at 2:46PM UTC

This is indeed a hard lesson to learn from but life will go on. There are unspolen rules about dating restrictions including: don't date someone in your apartment complex, don't date your girlfriend's Ex, don't date someone at work. All of these have many CONs vs. PROs for a reason. There are consequences in all three scenarios. Also, I can't help but to think if the roles were reversed and you had no feelings for him and received the email from that this post would be filled with advice to go to HR. The world has changed. Some men like your co-worker may have had a bad experience in the past and is covering himself if he felt that he might face a harassment accusation if he didn't reciprocate your feelings. He may have felt he had no choice but to go to HR to protect himself. You should plan ahead for the possibility of HR requiring you to take sexual harassment education... just in case.

Kimberly Lyn

Life after Corporate

10/01/20 at 4:04PM UTC

EXCELLENT reply

Shawn M. Pelletier

Certified Diversity Professional

09/23/20 at 1:48AM UTC

I know this is easier said than done but stop, pause and breathe. I completely understand that you are embarrassed, especially when you had the impression that the guy had similar feelings. You didn't do anything wrong. You tested the waters to see where it would go and unfortunately, the guy didn't feel the same way as you. It's surprising that his first reaction was to go to HR. Based on that, it's probably best if you own it, explain what you did and why with HR. When you talk with HR, you will likely have a better sense of what they are thinking. Unless there is more to your company policy, you don't have anything to worry about. I know you are embarrassed and feeling rejected but these feelings will pass. Focus on yourself, your work, and move forward, you can do this!

Motta

133

09/22/20 at 7:44PM UTC

Ouch. These kind of dicey situations are exactly why many folks have the rule "never date at work". You can do that outside of the workplace.

Deborah

Director of Association Services in Minneapolis

09/22/20 at 7:36PM UTC

Hard situation but lesson learned. My advice would be to never ever send anything personal in a work email in the future. End of discussion. Nothing good can ever come out of it. Keep in mind that most companies monitor your email. If you want to contact someone at work do it in person or get their personal email, if they feel the same way they will share that with you. I always say better safe than sorry. I don't think that HR has much to say on this matter except perhaps hearing your side of the story. I would think you would be fine, just don't use your work email for anything like that in the future.

Kimberly Lyn

Life after Corporate

09/21/20 at 6:57PM UTC

Can I add something here? As an HR professional and someone who has investigated numerous workplace romances gone wrong....I will say that a one time situation has never really resulted in much more than some red faces. But in 99% of my investigations there is a history that is rarely brought up unless I discovered it through interviews/investigations. I suggest taking a long look at any interactions you've had with this person you liked and examine all your conversations. I'm finding it difficult that there were no other flirty conversations with him by you that you possibly mis-read his response. We are labeling the other person a D-bag in here but we don't know if he has tried to make this stop by either ignoring prior interactions or even telling her to back off. We don't know how she got it in her head that he felt the same way. Be careful not to label him because we don't know how long the situation has been going on. We also don't know if he's married, or even possibly involved with someone else at the company. We don't have enough here to make a judgement call on the situation or the people involved. Case in point... I had an employee accuse someone of inappropriate behavior....but come to find out she was just p.o'd because he was not interested in her. In my interviews with him he said he was trying to let her done easy because he already had a girlfriend...He tried to avoid her in the break room and copy room because she came on strong. He did not want to be rude or mean...but felt he has sent the right signals but in the end she got pissed and made up S.H. charges. Thankfully the fellow had save some texts between him, and other co workers in which he has expressed that he just had a feeling "this wasn't going to end well"...he was right...she was a little over the top....I say all of this to caution my fellow professionals...we don't have enough to go on to label any part of this situation.

mcasterlloyd

Dallas EA; Writer, Artist, Graphic Designer

09/21/20 at 4:11PM UTC

First, I am sorry that you are experiencing this situation. For future reference, never send an email that you don't want broadcast on the front page of a newspaper. As you can now see from experience, the recipient can forward it to the whole company. If you have a work crush, you need to invite the person to a non-work activity like a lunch, happy hour, movie, etc. Build a non-work friendship before ever mentioning romantic feelings. I do agree that this co-worker could have handled the rejection between the two of you. However, I think people freak out when you go straight to romantic feelings before really getting to know someone. You may need to evaluate your social skills and emotional intelligence. Finally, we have all done things we regret. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Don't dwell on it and this will pass.

Rosa Carolina Pereira

Legal Counsel in Colombia

09/20/20 at 11:25PM UTC

First of all, he is not the right person for you. Instead of speaking directly to you he went to HR. In any case, your company policy asks for disclosure when you are in a relationship with a coworker, in this case, he gave you signals and you made a mistake so you do not need to worry about being dismissed for this reason. I would recommend you have a conversation with HR, assume your mistake and regarding your coworker treat him very professionally and do not speak about the situation, minimize email importance.

MJMurphy

09/19/20 at 6:19PM UTC

Going directly to HR seems odd. Is it possible the recipient of the email has been accused of harassment before and is covering himself? Could he be a friendly person whose actions have been misinterpreted in the past? Hope these questions help you look at the situation from a different perspective. Wishing you the best.

Maryana Ivlev

Supply Chain Professional

09/19/20 at 11:37PM UTC (Edited)

Sounds like most supporters above shared the same united voice: the guys is a douchebag, and unless your email had explicit inappropriate language or you persisted with your messages when he asked you to stop, there is nothing to worry about. Keep your head high. You are a poetic person with beautifully expressed genuine feelings.