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Anonymous
08/23/20 at 3:19PM UTC (Edited)
in
Career

Is it the stress?

I am 16 months into a new position. Not only am I new to the position but the position is also very new. My predecessor was the first one in the position and left after just a year to relocate with their spouse. My boss is the head of a department in a large organization, has been here for decades, and is quite successful. She is eligible to retire and it is thought she will soonish. But I hear that conversation has been ongoing for years. While she and I did well during the time we were in the office together, which was about 10 months before remote work started, I am struggling reporting to her remotely. I willingly took on new duties related to the pandemic when we went to remote work. I have felt very productive and successful, although isolated. My boss is crazy busy, so our interactions have been limited to phone calls on the fly. I have had two one on one meetings, both at my request, since mid March. I keep her up to date of what I’m doing via email, but it’s clear that she doesn’t read them. Two or three times per week she will ask for follow up information which I have already provided to her via email. These requests are typically days later, indicating she did have time to read them. Phone calls I make usually become a to do list of things for me to add to my plate. When I try to receive clarity or follow up on my list, which is made up of items that she previously handed to me, she will cut me off and get back to her list, even if I initiate the discussion for a specific reason. She is also sarcastic and a yeller. Many of my new duties require me to be the liaison with other departments, often who get to decide what’s what on specific parts of projects. If they push back on her, which happens a lot, she yells. Usually it’s just a venting yell, but other times it is shoot the messenger yell. I have realized that this is triggering something in me, making me passive (which I have NEVER been known for) or avoidant (another new trait for me). Fast forward to now. I am working on a project that was handed off to me on the fly when someone quit. It has a short turn around, involves several other key departments, and is very high profile. As I work more and more with other departments, I am learning that she is not well liked. She is respected for her expertise, but she is known for badgering people until they wear down and just do what she wants to shut her up. It’s becoming more and more difficult for me to communicate with her because I am losing the will to put up with her yelling, her sarcasm, and constantly pushing back, putting me in the middle of departments that have the final say on something, and her displeasure. In the last few weeks we have communicated primarily through her deputy, my peer. The best way to describe him is her whisperer. He has mastered communication with her where I am at a loss. Friday was the first time she and I were in the office together since March. When I was trying to explain to her something she wanted do to was not appropriate due to copyright laws, and provided several alternatives, she cut me off, and told me and several others to find a way to do what she wanted. I passed on this effort, went on with what I was in the office for, which was essential to the project and time sensitive, while one of the assistants did her bidding. Of course the same conclusion was reached, but only after hours of work. A few minutes after the copyright issue was handed off, she told me that she was going to supervise the part of the project I was working on and sarcastically added “I know you won’t like it.” I blew up, expressing my frustration with her constant sarcasm and yelling. She was clearly surprised, but obviously interpreted my frustration as being related to wanting credit for the project. I don’t care about credit (and the way everyone is getting ticked off I don’t want it). What I care about is being able to have a normal conversation with my boss and not feeling like every interaction is going to end with more work for me, being shot as the messenger, or emotionally triggered. I did not communicate this well and spent the rest of the day interacting with her only when necessary and things went ok. The project has a drop dead date this week, so this will all be wrapped up soon. After having taken just 1.5 PTO days and one holiday since March 17, I am taking the week of Labor Day off because I have a block of time I will lose if it don’t take it by then. I am trying to determine if this is all just stress or if this is really what I have to look forward to in my job moving forward. I have pondered asking to switch to whom I report, which has been done for others in the past, because this is not unique to me. I am not concerned about that request impacting my career path. I’m in my 50s and took this position knowing that it is so unique that there would be no path up. I like the tasks of my job and the impact it is having on our mission. I have had a lot of jobs in my career, frequent changes are normal in my field, but I don’t want to change jobs again. I do think that the week I am off needs to be one of reflection. What advice do you have for this seasoned professional who feels she has met her match?

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Anonymous
08/29/20 at 7:24PM UTC
Thanks for all the words of support and validation. This week was especially stressful because of a project deadline which was met. At the wire, but it was met. Boss was better but still very frustrated. Having to partner with another team on one aspect of the project did not sit well with her. They had responsibility for that aspect of the project and boss did not agree with some of the well thought out choices they made. (For the record, I agreed with the other team 100%). When asked “who is calling the shots” on this aspect of the project, I replied “they are,” and reminded her of the agreement. She was pissed and didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day. Then got some reprimanding emails after hours. The comical part on that is without knowing it, an outside party ended up validating the point I was reprimanded on. That’s another story, but gave me a welcome laugh this morning when I read it. Here’s the thing... as I mentioned, I am relatively new to this job and keep needing to be reminded the I belong to a collective bargaining unit! The project launches on Monday and after that I’m going to contact my collective bargaining rep about any options I have. As I mentioned, I have heard that in the past accommodations have been made for others to report to someone else. I would welcome that. I am paid decently and, because of the bargaining unit, have great benefits. I also got some high profile, recognition from the other team yesterday that went to boss’s superiors. Hopefully that gives me some credibility up the chain I would like to try to salvage my place in the organization before looking for another job.
Christie
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18
08/28/20 at 11:34PM UTC
Nope. Nope. And nope. Sounds to me like she's a BULLY. A grown ass woman bully who has gotten her way by intimidating others. Obviously upper management has condoned this behavior. Yelling? Unprofessional. Cutting you off and with holding information to the point where it is hindering your ability to do your job and do it well? Unprofessional. Using you as a sarcastic whipping post and fall guy? Unprofessional. As intimidating or scary as it may be boundaries are key and if she doesn't respect them HR or reassignment might be the way to go. On a side note it also sounds as if you are being given more and more responsibility without any benefits or increased pay? With nowhere to go within the company is the job worth being abused?
Anonymous
08/24/20 at 8:17PM UTC
I also was in a similar situation where the manager was a yeller. I used to think maybe he might have been bipolar because he could go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. Totally unpredictable, totally unacceptable and this was long before covid became a household word. My advice to you is people do not change, look externally before this toxic environment affects your health.
Anonymous
08/24/20 at 4:45PM UTC (Edited)
Unfortunately I had a similar situation. The manager's to do list was ever changing. Priorities shifted from day to day for no logical reason then the manager would act as if the reason the priority changed was due to my failure or other criticism. I got out of the situation by getting promoted however I ended up leaving due to my awareness that the environment itself was toxic. My manager's behavior was the tip of the iceberg. As I interacted more with other departments, it was clear that there were systemic issues unlikely to change. I started asking questions about the organization such as, Is this organization problematic as a whole or is it just this individual? If this organization is not toxic, why is this behavior being accepted or allowed? Can I grow or be comfortable in this organization? Who is doing well in this organization and do they function the same way? Knowing what I wanted for myself made it easier to just walk away.
Sonya Coleman Tall
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28
Project/Program Manager Telecommunications
08/24/20 at 4:32PM UTC
I think you need to have a sit down face to face meeting with your manager and discuss your issues. After the meeting if you have not come up with a suitable resolution reach out to HR and look for another position. Your under stress because your boss is causing the stress. Don't let anyone make you doubt yourself, you know what you are capable of, so do it. Also, look outside the company and see if you can find something else. Good luck
Teri Gibson
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191
I put the Human in Human Resources
08/26/20 at 2:23AM UTC
I agree with this. Reach out HR. If they cannot do anything you are definately working in a toxic culture. And, never doubt yourself. I worked at a company many many moons ago that was closing. During that time, this new "COBRA" law came into play and working with HR/Benefits I learned all about it, implemented policy, procedure, etc. When I started my new job I reported to the HR Manager. She was not following the COBRA timeline or informating employees as required. I believed she knew more than me so I did not say anything until she came in my office upset when she realized this. I said, "That was my understanding," and she yelled at me for not telling her. Through the years she took credit for my work with the VP she reported to. However, when she was not there, the VP would come to me for the information - he knew I was the one doing the work. But she would panic when he wanted something (his office was across from ours). I finally discovered she previously worked as a marketing manager for this company as a Brand Manager and they sold the product. Because her husband was close to the owner, they put her in charge of "Personnel". (hmm husband got her the job and the brand did not do well...hmmm). I realized I had more experience than this woman. She also used to tell me I would get nowhere without a degree. I finally left and have been a director role for the past 22 years with the same company, and finished my education because my boss mentored and supported me. Even provided me Tuition Reimbursement. I do believe when one door closes, another one opens. Stand up for what you know and if you need to leave, it may be for the best. Something better may be along the horizon. Put your resume out there and see what happens. You never know. Please keep me posted.
Anonymous
08/24/20 at 2:22PM UTC
I am going through a similar situation with a manager who is somewhat new to me (my third manager in 18 months). She belittles my work, doesn't give me assignments, overlooks my skills and experience, and humiliates me by criticizing my mannerisms and style of interpersonal communications. Further, she does a a form of gaslighting by making sweeping generalizations such as that I "create friction with partners"... but doesn't give specifics. I have never worked in a company of this size and I am wondering what the process might be for requesting a different supervisor. I am afraid to just reach out to my HR generalist, knowing that HR generally sides with the supervisor in cases of one word vs. another. What sort of case should I have prepared in order to suggest a supervisor change? I am absolutely positive that I have a lot to contribute in this organization and that there is a good fit for me somewhere in this organization. I have applied for other positions in the organization to no avail so far. Any advice on how to start the conversation to request a transfer, rather than having to leave the organization?
Kayci Mosher
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54
National Strategist Manager in MA
08/24/20 at 2:09PM UTC
First of all, this sounds like a more general issue and nothing to do with the stress of COVID-19. You’ve already noted that this is an issue with this individual that others have struggled with, so I wouldn’t try to reconcile myself to it by saying it might go away. It can be frustrating to work with people who communicate differently, but at the end of the day there needs to be a line drawn in how you let someone treat you. If your authority and expertise is being questioned or rejected (which it sounds like it is) this might not be the best place for you. I would consider looking further into changing your reporting structure. And, as an aside, anything I could think to do to try to better communicate you’re already doing... but having a good reporting relationship is a two-way street so unless something changes with your boss you’ll continue with this frustration.
Anonymous
08/24/20 at 2:08PM UTC
Working remotely has lead to a down turn in the economy, and I am currently seeking employment. I have hope, however I am really excited about the current project I have to do for school. I have not worked on it in a while.
Anonymous
08/24/20 at 1:56PM UTC
Two years ago, I left a job for exactly this type of toxic behavior... only the boss straight up preemptively went to HR on me after yelling at me in front of the team and constantly belittling my work. It took them nearly a year and 4 people to replace me. The payoff for me was piece of mind, a normalized diet, an excellent job that is a career path to leadership (something denied multiple times over 20 years) and an extra 30k in my bank account because of how underpaid I was. Know your worth and that non-toxic environments do exist. It's never too late to find the right environment.
Pharberknockn07
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212
Curriculum & Training Development in Kansas City
08/24/20 at 12:41PM UTC
Yikes. Getting yelled at is not acceptable and causes a toxic environment for everyone who has to interact with her. But thankfully it sounds like you have a few options. It’s obvious your boss won’t magically stop yelling if you stay, so can you work through her “whisperer” more? Or try to use nonverbal communication methods more so you don’t have to hear her yelling? It didn’t sound like there were many downsides to changing who you report to, so what keeps you in this role? I’d take your reflection time and really ask- why don’t you want to switch positions? Are you finding something fulfilling in this role? Are you tired of getting used to new roles and just need some consistency for a while? Dig deep and really listen to your truth. From there, you’ll know what you need to do.

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