Weird energy from a coworker - not sure what it means

Anonymous

May 10,2023 at 12:59PM UTC

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Weird energy from a coworker - not sure what it means

I have a coworker who is a long-timer at the job. She is highly competent but is often openly negative toward the efforts of others, including mine. Her comments are often generic, but it's clear who and what she is talking about. She is otherwise professionally pleasant, and I treat her the same, but I do not trust being friendly or transparent with her beyond that. I think she has some hangups about things like not going to college (which she has dismissed without prompting as unnecessary to the role, knowing I have an advanced professional degree that many leaders in our field have), and her strong regional accent which she attempts to mask but pops up out of nowhere when she talks for a long time, which she does often. She has only recently begun being proactively friendly and playful with me (the energy I share with the rest of the team, including our supervisor), which coincided with a recent promotion she received - at first I thought she lacked social skills but I now see she had them all along but withheld them from me until she got a role above mine. She does not loom large in my professional life but I don't know how to feel about or deal with her. She seems like an ok person, but she activates my danger signals.

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Jessica FerlandMay 10,2023 at 1:26PM UTC
Consider asking her to join you for lunch (doesn't have to be expensive, even just in the break room or a conf room) or to take a walk during a break now that the weather is nice. Chatting outside 9f the routine work circumstances can help build relationships and maybe help you better assess why your flags are going up (or lower them altogether).
sjones9392May 10,2023 at 2:11PM UTC
Keep her at arms length and enjoy the positivity when she shows it. Coworkers don't have to be friends. Civility is pleasant and that can be enough.
ANDREA RAGGAMBIMay 10,2023 at 5:46PM UTC
People dynamics at work are often more challenging than our work itself!
That said, there is no rule that you need to like everyone you work with so this is an opportunity to learn about yourself and how you navigate uncertain workplace relationships. Reading through your note a couple times, I'm not even clear what the issue is except being unsure about her. It's not realistic to expect others to change so that we can feel more comfortable. Decide what it is you actually want as far as a relationship with her and if the answer is nothing or you don't need to have a relationship with her, it sounds like there's nothing you really need to do. Just trust your gut and embrace the discomfort to get more comfortable with the fact that it's not realistic to trust or like everyone we work with. The less we resist what we don't like, the easier it is to be at peace with what IS. :-)
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 6:07PM UTC
Totally agree. Besides being my best self and staying vigilant, there's nothing for me to do here. That said, I always appreciate the perspectives people offer here, so I put this situation out there.
AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 5:57AM UTC
Co-workers are not your friends - they're colleagues.
AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 4:50PM UTC
Trust your instincts. If you get promoted to her level, she'll feel threatened by you again.
If someone has served you both poop and soup, would you accept an offer of a third meal from them?
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 2:50PM UTC
Poop and soup...I love this! ? She has definitely served me both, so yes, no more dining at her table!
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 1:05PM UTC
Sounds like she might have a serious case of imposter syndrome. I think as long as you treat her as someone with a lot of positive working experience she might even have your back.
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 2:59PM UTC
Interesting possibility. Imposter syndrome makes sense. I think I'm done going out of my way to show that I value her, though - I've done plenty of that without the desired result.
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 4:28PM UTC
Let go of the personal side of things and focus on a collegial working relationship. Set the boundaries that make you comfortable and if she or any other co-worker crosses over then walk away from any deeper personal conversation. She might have just globally set a behavior of protection around herself until she got some recognition from the company who may have ignored her for some time. Her way of processing it doesn't jive with yours and that is probably why the shift. Let it go.
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 4:48PM UTC
Agreed. Upon reflection, I realize her behavior is likely more about her journey than me. I plan to keep it cordial and professional and, besides staying vigilant, evict her from my thoughts.