Co Parenting

Question

My ex and I broke up..it was a bad break up..I was able to push my hurt to the side so we could go parent our son. He was 9 months at the time. Our communication wasn’t that great but co parenting was going smoothly until I didn’t respond to a text. Sometimes I look at text messages and respond in my head and forget to actually message people back. Nothing personal..well he took it personal. He started saying I’m a bad mom and even threatened to have ALL my kids removed from my custody. I just told him to chill out and stop getting mad that I saw the text but forgot to respond. He took it personal and that’s when it got worse. He threatened to call DSS and than started speaking on my parental skills..I have a child who is in speech therapy and he said that because I’m not a fit parent my child had those issues. Even after all this I still tried to co parent..I felt like everyone son deserves a father even if they are a butt. His anger just got worse and he got a lawyer..so he says..but he sent me documents about custody but said I didn’t need a lawyer and to just come and sign the papers. Well I’ve watched enough law and order to know not to do that. So once I declined that offer he started sending me emails saying he wished I was dead. So some months go by and I stopped letting him see his son out of fear that he would take him and run and because of the death threats. When my son was 1 he saw me and him at a store and tried to snatch him out my arms..mind you I had my 4 year old with me as well. Cops had to be called and I got an order of trespass. It’s been a year and I’m paranoid about everything. He reaches out to my family friends and even co workers about seeing our son but I fear that history would just repeat itself or he would take him and leave. I live in a state where there are no opportunities so I’m planning on moving after I finish college. I guess my question is how do I stay sane until then. I have to look over my shoulders constantly. No one should ever have to live like this. Sorry the post is so long.

Carrie Topolski · Answer

Yikes.. that's a tough one. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you kept all of the texts he has sent to help you in court.  Have you checked with your lawyer about moving and how it will affect custody?  Make sure you have that covered so there are no loopholes.

As far as staying sane.. try to focus on the move and know that you're bettering your child by moving away from this.   Not sure how long you have until you graduate?  Have you considered moving to a different college to finish up?  Do you have a restraining order or is that what a order of trespass is?

Lastly, don't ever apologize for expressing how you feel.  There is reason for it and expressing it is a sure way of staying sane.

Anonymous · Answer

Know that divorce decree and custody document by heart. That’s your bible from now on.  Keep in mind that you will need family support or a support structure because of the kids. Save all the emails where he threatens to kill himself. Keep that restraining order, change phone numbers, get off of Facebook (he’s prob friends with your friends) and make sure he sees nothing of you and the kids. Every bit feeds his obsession. Break ties with people in common that feed him info. Also, get a ring camera for your place and doorbell.

Maria Ruiz · Answer

Yep. Keep every documentation handy. Every text. Every email. Getting a Ring camera for your front door is a great idea too. I had a dangerous obsessive ex as well and even though he has been out of my life for years now, I still regret not getting a restraining order so make sure you have one. I still have all the voicemails and messages via social media he sent me. My personal experience left me with some PTSD and I'm so glad I put in the time to get therapy and go to group classes. I would look into what options for therapy or support groups you have to make sure you are taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally. I'm sorry you're going through this. My experience was a nightmare and I wasn't even married to the guy, but people like that are really scary and can be unpredictable. Make sure you have your exit plans figured out, memorize the number to your local sheriff or have it saved to your phone. Try to stay strong, but it's also okay to rely on your support network when you can't be as strong at times.

Anonymous · Answer

A restraining order is needed!! Now.. he isn’t  being respectful of you or the children. It’s HIM, not you..

dmcfall0507 · Answer

First and foremost, I am sorry. I am sorry that people can be so cruel. I am sure he is hurt by not being able to see his son, however that does not justify/rationalize his choices. 
Please make sure you save EVERYTHING that he sends you. Emails, Texts..etc. This will back up your story in case anything were to transpire. You know the old saying 'Cover your ass' I believe it! 
Trying to stay sane--Girl that is a tough one. I mean...who is really that sane anyways? ;P Just kidding. 
I am sure you are busy between your kids and school. I would imagine that takes up a lot of your time. 
In between when you have some 'me' time. I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend Yoga. It is something that really helps me. They say 15 Minutes of Yoga or Meditation a day is like taking an 8 hour day off of work. You can YouTube it for free and do it in the privacy of your own home. 
Good Luck to you Mama. Wishing you the best and sending you some positive vibes!

Crystal Rhineberger · Answer

So at this point everything needs documentation. If things go down in court you need that back up. DSS only gets involved when there is just cause (and even then it is difficult to engage them)
Personally I would file paperwork in court that you have physical custody, physical custody gives you the right to keep your child in your own home while keeping the other party involved. You will need to check your state laws as to what applies for moving to different states. Also remember anything you establish in your current state may change or have to be renewed in the new state.
The order of trespass is a paper trail start and may need to be moved into restraining order (theres also a more minor paper similar to the restraining order)
Engaging a lawyer to help you through the fiascos is a good choice and definitely if you both never sorted any legal papers on co-parenting.
Keep in mind also your ex is doing this for attention and to keep control over you and the child.
Letting the lawyer and court know that after college you will need to move out of state for a job is the best bet too.
Keep in mind all of this will start a child support agreement, the non-custodial parent will have to pay a set amount by the court.
Also check into a therapist for yourself to keep yourself sorted. Its ugly now but you will come out a positive for your child!

Wendy Ridenour · Answer

Get a lawyer! Based on what i am seeing you were never married to your ex, is he listed on the birth certificate? Have a binding custody agreement in place, especially if you plan to leave the state. You do not want to be charged with kidnapping. Document in detail every weird threat  he has ever sent you and have family members do the same. Apply for a restraining order, even if it is denied it is documented. Be careful and detail oriented. No matter what do not bash him to others, it can come back against you.

Anonymous · Answer

I have been in a similar situation and found a lot of comfort at a local women's charity called Fresh Start Women's foundation.  I didn't take all of their advice but the resources helped me to gain confidence to take control of my situation.  If you family support system is lacking as mine was, try seeking an organization who can help. If nothing else speaking to a neutral party really helped me feel less alone.

Tina Adams · Answer

It seems your ex has some narcissistic tendencies.   a friend of mine has been thru this and wrote a book about it. here is a link to her facebook page.  https://www.facebook.com/BeingMette/?ref=search&__tn__=%2Cd%2CP-R&eid=ARCk6Evq2pySSAYqZlFfOWcn668-89cHr7stA__qy9f6yDevSgO-tAaHtZNr3U4XbO9LbQKfQtZX0rRB

Reading about how to cope may help you find solutions that others have used.  Good luck and know you are doing the right thing.

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