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Offensive comments as the only female
I am the only female sales person at a small regional wholesaler. This am with our new Sales VP here's what I heard:
"Well that Son of a B&^%^" and "M (that's me) is on the phone, so I can't say that"
It takes a lot to offend me but I'm getting sick of this. HR is useless and yes, I'm looking.
Wondering if anyone has some good one liners to respond.
Liz Wanic
Cyber Intel and Dection Fusion Advisor in NY
67
09/20/20 at 7:33PM UTC
Perhaps instead of letting that person make ‘you’ the cause of the issue, you can try to reframe the situation with your reply. You can say something like, “There’s likely a more professional way to express your frustration, whether I am on the call or not.” This way you can remind him that the real issue is the choice of unprofessional language, not your presence on the call.
Men like that often want to make women feel uncomfortable or as though they are somehow the cause of a problem. Sometimes it’s helpful to remind them that, in the work place, we all make choices about what we talk about and how we say things.
JenInterdisciplinary Educator
138
09/20/20 at 6:06PM UTC
"Do not speak that way around me. This is the workplace and that is unprofessional."
Another approach I've heard people use is make them explain themselves, particularly after an "-ist" comment. "What do you mean? I don't get it. Please explain." This approach will probably only work if you are serious, not smiling or antagonistic. (I haven't had much luck with this approach because it triggers my sarcasm, but some of my friends have that neutral tone down.) If someone ha to explain an unprofessional comment or joke, it quickly stops being funny.
Marian DyerDon't be a jerk.
208
09/16/20 at 10:55PM UTC
I don't really have any advice to add, but I wanted to add a sympathetic UGH to the list. Just don't feed it for the sake of not making waves, and keep an eye out for allies among all your colleagues.
Krista CouttsMarketing Professional, Cross-Functional Leader
336
09/16/20 at 8:49PM UTC
Agree with all of these comments and pieces of advice! Since your HR department is useless, definitely go "direct" to the offender and share your feedback on their offensive remarks. Sometimes these people don't even realize that they are being offensive...and when someone calls them out, they should stop. If not, might be time for find another company who values you!
Linda M S ThomasChemistry and Systems Engineering intersection
33
09/16/20 at 8:30PM UTC
Ask an open-ended question for clarification: "What do you mean by that?" or "I'd like to understand your thinking, what are your thoughts?"
AJonesSenior Analyst, Athlete & Healthy Food Blogger!
86
09/16/20 at 7:53PM UTC
Perhaps simply stating that you are offended and ask that they not use that language? (Although I am sure its difficult in that environment).
Renee JackmanEconomic and Data Analysis | Infrastructure
90
09/16/20 at 2:04AM UTC
I have found asking questions very useful in these situations.
Example: Why am I the reason you can say son of B but not something else?
I then follow it up with a question that directly calls out their answer.
If the response is related to you being a woman I would ask: what does being a woman have to do with it? How do you know there aren’t any male employees on the call who also don’t want to hear it?
The point is to challenge their assumptions and set boundaries. When I have done this type of exchange at work, I have always done it with a smile (which can feel disgusting but helps maintain a friendly exchange) and kept it short to not dominate the conversation with something unrelated to the meeting but still showing where the line is with what I will tolerate.
Kate RoySales & Business Development
55
09/15/20 at 9:11PM UTC
Ah, reminds me of the time a male coworker got into my nice new car and commented "wow, looks like we're paying you too much!" To which I replied "Hey, I worked very hard for a long time to be able to have this nice car!"
I do think the best solution is to redirect and be ultra-professional and focused. You'll come across as the smart, focused pro that I'm sure you are!
Karisa KarmaliFounder of Self-Love and Fitness
2.13k
09/15/20 at 9:06PM UTC
Some people cannot respect others as they do not respect themselves.
Anyone who is a bully / harasser under the fake guise of attraction / or makes gendered remarks has issues within themselves.
The fact that he said that he could not say XYZ because you are there is wild! But when people are truly unprofessional and want to draw attention to their power and draw attention to things that are wrong, it is 100% on purpose!
Please do not waste time or let them steal your joy, these people love to make others squirm. I am not saying "see the good" where none exists, just re-direct and lead by example.
Totally not worthy of your attention and energy, they thrive off it.
Barb HansenStartup Product, Growth & Strategy
6.65k
09/15/20 at 4:04AM UTC (Edited)
I handle issues like this with a direct flippant comment immediately after someone makes a gendered comment like the one you mentioned above:
"Hey Bob, I guess we haven't talked about the use of colorful language on conference calls but there is no need to change how you speak because I'm here. I don't care about the colorful language you use, as long as you don't care if I join in."
Or
"Hey Bob, thanks for remembering that I'm here, I didn't know that I would be the cause of a change in policy regarding the use of colorful language on conference calls, but since you brought it up, I would appreciate if colorful language was not used on conference calls"
(depending on what side of the colorful language line you fall on)
If the moment has passed (as it has in your case), then I would have a quick individual conversation with that VP the next time you're paths crossed. I would not call this person specially to cover this issue but that's just me.
I have faced this same comment many times in my career, along with many other gendered comments and all of these are direct quotes:
1. "You don't understand my code"
- my answer, "Nice try, I do understand your code, how about you explain the issues you are having instead of stopping at "you don't understand" and "coding is hard"
2. "I'll dumb-down my answer for you because database structures are hard"
my answer, "I would not dumb-down your answer because you're paid to be smart and to be able to communicate what you do. If you dumb-down your answers perhaps I'll dumb-down your contract, including how much we pay you."
3. "You would not understand the complexities of these financial statements"
my answer, "I wrote those financial statements"
4. "Do you need me to explain what XYZ means?"
my answer: "Do you need me to explain the history of XYZ to you"
5. "I can't believe that you did this or you wrote that, it's so good"
or
"Wow, you really know your business model or your numbers"
my answer: "Why are you surprised? I have been doing this for 25 years and I'm good at what I do" (what I want to say if "Why you gagging so? She brings it to you every ball" )
I am a woman in tech and now I work in tech in blue collar industries. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with gendered comments, or fragile male egos. I have the power in my company and in many, but not all, of my past job to stop these comments in their paths.
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