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Anonymous

02/18/20 at 9:13PM UTC

Career

Angry - about interaction

I have had problems with a person attacking me personally during meetings and infront of other people at work. Yelling at me. Saying things about how they had stereotyped me ...and how I can't get or do certain things because they believe I am a certain way. The behavior was getting worse and worse, so I had a one-on-one with the person, and that made it worse. So I escalated it to my and their manager. It was several months of on-going discussions about this behavior before to my surprise the person was much better and more professional, willing to listen to me and allow me to give input without attacking me. At my review time, I was taken down one level, because of my relationship with this person, When I pushed for more feedback beyond that I was told that I handled everything well but but the general perception outside of my department was what brought me down a level. Now, this persons behavior sometimes is getting to be borderline again, when I voiced my opinion today in a meeting they get upset and tell me they have more senority then me...etc. And therefore my opinion on a technical topic isn't valid? I am struggling really with not feeling angry about this, about how their behavior is escalating again, how my boss does nothing, how if I say anything again I might be docked next year about it. I just don't know what to do. **Trying to be vague here about the interactions while still getting the idea across.

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Dr. Sarah Ratekin

123

Making Work Happier with Science!

02/29/20 at 11:47PM UTC

Have you read either (I recommend both, actually) "Crucial Conversations" or "Nonviolent Communication"? They're actually both very applicable to scenarios like you're describing. I'm not excusing the behaviour you're experiencing, and I'd for sure be having a long chat with HR about the situation, too, but those books offer some tools for intercepting some of that ugliness and helping de-escalate it.

Marian Skupski

Analyst and Agile Coach

02/27/20 at 10:52AM UTC

I'm sorry that you are going through this. A few things to thing about -This kind of attach often comes from fear or jealousy. As others have suggested, can you learn more about this person to understand where they are coming from and what might cause the behavior? That might help you empathize. -Learning more about them might bolster your points and make it clear when you have more expertise than they do. I would be careful not to respond in kind by attacking. -As others have suggested, it may be time to find a new position (if only it were that easy!). If the company and your manager are willing to decrease your level on your review, even though you handled everything well, that does not say good things about the company culture (or how your manager is handling this). -I've become a skeptic about the ability of corporate HR departments to help in situations like this, but it may be worth checking to see if there is help to be found there. Some companies do have policies and procedures to handle this kind of thing.

Miranda Wilcox

163

Helping women thrive at work and in life

02/26/20 at 6:36PM UTC

It sounds like this person is very challenging; it's not likely that you (or anyone else) will be able to change that. You can, however, modify how you respond. This is easier to say than do, but it's absolutely possible. Managing your response can show others that you are more mature and emotionally intelligent than this other person. It shows that you are confident and resilient. Each time they lash out, they are giving you an opportunity to rise above them.

BETH HEDERMAN

111

Marketing/Media professional / Yoga Teacher

02/25/20 at 7:08PM UTC

I'm sorry that you are going through this but there are a few things to consider: - Not excusing this person's behavior but there could things they are going through which could be causing some of their behavior. And its possible the company is aware but there is confidentiality concerns, I've had a few situations like this recently where there were major medical/personal problems which we making someone's behavior not as professional as they have in the past. Compassion may help - Are you the only person having issues with this employee or it is a larger team issue? If it is just you perhaps some self reflection on how you may be reacting to the situation? Are you reacting, or yelling back? Perhaps both of you are part of the problem as well as the solution. - If it's just you perhaps you see if one of you can move to another team/position? - You mention you spoke to manager but you should also talk to HR, especially if it is affecting your review. Make sure you are documenting all interactions for your protection. - Regarding the review - I would push for more information here. Is this person talking about you to other people? Or are other teams witnessing the interactions and siding with them? Perhaps you can talk to someone on the team to get more feedback. As others have mentioned, it may be best for you to look for another position or another opportunity elsewhere. While companies so protect employees to come extent, you need to look out for yourself. And sometimes that means moving on. Best of luck to you!

Anonymous

02/24/20 at 6:03PM UTC

Is this endemic to the company's culture? Do you find similar reviews on Glassdoor about this employer, or even from colleagues at work, whom you can trust? I do find that companies do not seem to care about harassment in the office. They don't believe anyone would ever take legal action. And most people won't for fear it will tarnish their reputations for any future opportunities. If you have a legitimate legal action that violates a protected class, you could consider it. Regardless, I hear this sort of complaint all the time. I've had these experiences too. With our relatively new anti-bullying culture, you'd think they'd watch it, but they don't. Companies that allow this behavior, and that blame the victim especially when it comes time for review, are seriously dysfunctional and sick companies. It won't get better. Seriously, find something else. I know--easier said than done. The economy is good right now. Start looking, read Glassdoor reviews. Network, find a company that has a healthy culture. I wish you so much luck.

KATRINE CHOW

236

Tech Enthusiast | Woman In Games

02/24/20 at 4:09PM UTC (Edited)

This part concerns me - "When I pushed for more feedback beyond that I was told that I handled everything well but but the general perception outside of my department was what brought me down a level." I don't have enough information here, but it seems rather strange to me that your performance review was based on outside perception of what went on in your department instead of your own individual merit. Speaks a bit about the company culture and your team's priorities. I personally wouldn't stay in this type of toxic environment. It's up to you to decide if it's worth fixing the relationship with that particular coworker. Finding a new job can be difficult, but the effects of toxic people last a lifetime

Kira Nurieli

Empowering clients from conflict to resilience

02/24/20 at 2:42PM UTC

Turn to a conflict coach to evaluate what you feel could be your BATNA's or OptionB's. Not likely that the current situation will miraculously heal itself.

Anonymous

02/24/20 at 1:57PM UTC

My suggestion is going to be tough to execute but perhaps worth it.... find ways to (verbally) shut the person down. The important thing is to remain calm, professional and collected - even if you are boiling inside!! This will help to ensure any fault is on the other person (so they cannot claim your behavior has been negative in any way). Also, talk to HR if you can about how you should be approaching the issue. Ugh the energy to do this is the worst but I realize how hard it is to find a new job and maybe it's not worth it....

Anonymous

02/24/20 at 1:17PM UTC

I would look into this person and see for myself what credentials they had. Most people are all mouth when they bully like that. After I found this out, I would announce it in the meeting, while they were attacking and abusing me. You need to fight back. Can you look them up on LinkIn? Gather your information. It also looks like to me that that person may be trying to get rid of you. I would go to personnel and file a harassment papers about them. There is no need to go through this. Also, if possible, record what they do and say and play it to personnel. Let them heard this. If it is not appropriate then they will take steps. I think, this person is on the way to getting rid of you so why not- put a mark on them. People who are educated and done well in school usually do not do this because they are confident in themselves. They state facts in an authoritative, confident manner without attacking anyone. They present the facts and conclusions. They can say the same thing without the abusive behavior. It is unprofessional and uncalled for. I would also look for another position and take days off for your interviews regardless of a meeting. I would do this as soon as possible too. Surely there is someone who likes you, who you could find to get a reference for you. You are in a very toxic environment. You need to get out.