Colleague who badmouths others

Question

I have a colleague who I've been friendly with who works in a different department and recently, she's started really criticizing others we work with (none of whom I'm close to, personally) but the tone of our coffee break chitchats has gotten very negative and I'm not sure what to do because I really am feeling uncomfortable with the negative gossip. I am not really sure what's behind the gossip since some of the people she's talking about don't really seem to be close to her but we don't work at a large company and so I do run across the people she talks about from time-to-time and its starting to color the way I look at them. How do I tell her I'm not comfortable hearing this stuff? How do I get her to stop? I really don't care about people's personal lives in a workplace context.

Jess Waldschmidt · Answer

I've spent a lot of time around people who seem to enjoy talking ill of others. My experience has proven that more often than not this is a direct result of the gossiper's own insecurities. It's not OK to project your negativity onto others and she needs to be aware she's doing this. One graceful tactic you can try is to simply question her tone in a truly authentic and empathetic way. You are curious about why she's doing this, so ask. For example, let's say this is how the conversation goes:

'Can you believe Stacy got a promotion? It's so surprising considering some people are saying she might have a drinking problem.'

'Good for her. I can't imagine the difficulty in balancing a challenge like that with your professional life. Do you really think she has a drinking problem? I'd be hesitant to bring that up without any evidence... nor is it really any of my business.'

'Well, I'm sure sucking up to the boss got her what she wanted. I mean, she's always at the office happy hours - she's the first there and the last to leave.'

'I guess all I have to say is that if my colleagues thought I was struggling with something like that, they'd reach out to me out of concern. I'm not comfortable discussing others' personal issues if the intent isn't to help them out. What do you think we could do to make sure Stacy is doing OK?'

And then sit back and watch her squirm as she decides whether or not she wants to jump onto the compassion train or continue to be a negative jerk. If she chooses to continue to be a jerk, she can't be mad if you turn down her next offer to coffee... you've made it pretty obvious how you feel.

Good luck! I hope this helps.

Focused721350 · Answer

Just be straight up! Tell her your not comfortable and Please stop! To me when people gossip it's usually cause they feel left out. Attention getter!!!! No time for NEGATIVE!!!!! You can pick and choose who to be around.

Kate Singleton · Answer

Be wary. You don’t want to be identified as being part of a negative crowd.  Stay friendly but redirect the conversation.

Tiffany Gallehugh · Answer

I would tell her the negativity your not keen on.  Say your are trying to reflect on more of a positive outlook on people, topics and the general day.

LEANNE TOBIAS · Answer

You do not want to continue in this colleague’s circle for the following reasons:

1. It causes you to view those she criticizes negatively, as you mention.
2. You run the risk of becoming identified with your colleague’s mean-spirited views.
3. If your colleague bad-mouths others, she could readily turn on you.

You can gently try to guide your colleague away from criticizing others at your workplace, but I doubt that she will change her ways unless others back you up.  The next line of defense is to gradually detach yourself from this colleague’s social group without comment.

Alyson Budde · Answer

You mention that your coffee break chats have changed. If you consider her a friend you might ask her what has changed for her.  Is she suddenly less satisfied at work? You could tell her you  are concerned about her and support her positive exploration into what would make her feel better.  Listen and make it about her.

Ladyboss709969 · Answer

Not only would I tell her that your don't feel comfortable discussing fellow colleagues in a negative manner, but I would start finding excuses not to have to spend time with her (ie running an errand, not available due to work, etc.). Be prepared as she may create a ruckus, and turn on you. It happened to me, but after a few months, the people (yes, it was a group headed by one woman)  in my case moved on to a new person. Good luck!

Colleague who badmouths others

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