Romance on the rocks

Question

One of my good friends has been with her boyfriend for 10 years. His parents don’t want him with her because of cultural differences so he hasn’t taken any next steps . She claims he’s changed after a brief breakup. I think it’s all a lie and she’s just going to get hurt again. Do I offer more advice or stay out and let her find out the hard way?

Elizabeth Marie · Answer

Question: What other than cultural differences with his parents is the issue?

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah.. how has he changed? What was wrong with the relationship before?

Anonymous · Answer

When it comes to friend's relationships, I think the best thing to do is refrain from advice unless she asks for it. You have to be okay with her choosing to be still be with this guy, and support her decision even though you don't agree with it. At the end of the day it is her choice and nothing you are going to say is going to change her opinion. Just continue to be a good friend and support her!

Anonymous · Answer

This is really tough, and I don't know your relationship dynamic with your friend, because she could either take your advice as helpful and constructive, or as being mean and unsupportive.  I can only tell you what I would personally do.  I would be straight with her and tell her that if the parents don't approve and it's been 10 years already, and if he's not going to step up and make his own choices, that it's not going to happen.  If marriage isn't a deal breaker for her, this could work, except she still has to be okay living with his parents' disapproval.  (Sounds like terribly awkward family holidays).   But who wants to live with his parents never accepting her, and him never making his own choices and standing up to them?  He's a grown man.  If he doesn't choose her now, how will he choose her later in life in other situations?  Overall, I think you should be diplomatic and just lay out the facts, don't make it about him emotionally, just the facts about what's transpired so far, and ask her what she would tell you to do if the roles were reversed.

Support her either way in what she decides, but also be prepared she may be upset with you or not listen to your advice.  At the end of the day, a good friend acts with your best interests at heart, and sometimes as uncomfortable and painful as it is, that's being the bearer of the truth to help your friend see what she is refusing to see, and helping her understand what she actually deserves - which is a partner who chooses her and builds a life with you that both of you want.

Romance on the rocks

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