© 2022 Fairygodboss. All rights reserved.
What to say to someone who just doesn't get it...
My husband's cousin is getting married in Hawaii this year. I've befriended his fiancee and we've spent time together as couples on several days. When we got married, she came as the cousins plus one. He was a groomsman, but she was the guest. Neither of them offered a card or a gift... She also didn't attend my bridal shower. Now that she's getting married, I'm asked to be a bridesmaid, to attend the Bachelorette party in another state to attend the wedding in another country, to attend the bridal shower... It's a bit much for us especially since we recently got slammed with medical bills. I had to decline the offer of attending the Bachelorette party. We have 3 weddings, (1 destination wedding including this one) in September, which also means 4 more bachelorette/ bridal showers and parties. My salary isn't much but I'm certain she makes twice my salary as a Manager for a large company. When I declined, I was not approached with empathy or understanding. It was just, are you still coming to the wedding?
I said yes. Somehow, I feel as though she doesn't seem to understand that whole I wanted to go, it's a very tough time right now financially. What can I say to someone to help them understand?
Ellen Smith Fagan
Elle Fagan - Elle Fagan Art - ElleFagan.com
333
07/30/19 at 2PM UTC
I have a card someone gave me on my desk - like a coin it flips - with the word " Compassion" on one side and "Intellect" on the other.
Like a coin, they are one - and yet, in shifting things about on the desk, or when I use it as a bookmark, I see and enjoy one side OR the other... which one? FUN
Assume the bride is normal - stressful time no matter how happy, to commit to marriage. She needs YOU to be the intellect and the compassion person. CAN you?
Assume YOU are normal - stressful time with bills etc., creating blocks to the social life YOU NEED. You need the compassion and intellect for YOU too!
Best wishes for both for all...
Ellen Smith FaganElle Fagan - Elle Fagan Art - ElleFagan.com
333
07/30/19 at 1:54PM UTC
I can see Anonymous is very sad that she may not be able to attend an important wedding. I am sorry that my exhortations were not helpful.
Anonymous
07/30/19 at 2:13PM UTC
I am attending the wedding, after all I'm a bridesmaid. I'm not attending the Miami bachelorette party with twenty somethings! Family first.
Ellen Smith FaganElle Fagan - Elle Fagan Art - ElleFagan.com
333
07/30/19 at 2:23PM UTC
YES YES! May the day be the best-ever! Thank you for sharing this happier ending!
Anonymous
07/23/19 at 5:12PM UTC
Thank you Crystal, I appreciate the reply. She actually was okay with the news, as I assured her if the huge medical bill was not sent, i would be able to make it. She was understanding after all so i'm grateful.
Crystal Rhinebergerprofessional rofl nevermind lets just wing it
2.29k
07/23/19 at 5PM UTC
Oh no I can smell a bridezilla possibly happening. While you may not be able to avoid a tokyo shall burn situation, I would politely voice that yes you will be there and you are excited for Both of them, later after all this pressure and the wedding is over is better to approach w look i love your company (tho u might not)
I would love for us to bond better and get used to our differences. Then name your standpoint of the adversity you have faced and while yes this is disappointing for her you expected a little more because of the bond.
This is a tippy ice slab to be on so proceed w calm and clarity dear
Anonymous
07/22/19 at 6:52PM UTC
My health is great, in fact the hospital bills are my husband's. My point is people expect too much when little is reciprocated. I'm joyous for her, having barely known her or anything. We never expected anyone coming to our wedding to give us anything and were prepared for the dent we were about to incur. We are ready to pay for travel, hotel stay, food and transportation, attending the bridal shower with gifts, purchasing the bridesmaid dress, and my comments are "peevy peevy". Make no mistake, I'm a generous person with a heart full of joy for her... Someone I hardly know. And I'm ok with it. It's just this one event I cannot attend because of a huge medical bill. I'm all in otherwise. I do regret not going, but my family and husband's health come first.
Ellen Smith FaganElle Fagan - Elle Fagan Art - ElleFagan.com
333
07/22/19 at 5:46PM UTC
Lighten up:
it is a WEDDING - people make a mess for themselves all the time getting petty when it is time for the GRAND in us.
I am your "auntie" for the moment and I see it this way:
"lighten up" - your reaction says it's not just money but your health that is too down to join the happydance!
A wedding MUST remain Joyous, subtly or with dancing in the streets, but JOYOUS.
If your medical bills are respectable, and your spirit low, it may be a health issue: complain to your doctor about your spirit NOT soaring, even for a wedding, when it should be filled with love and NOT peevypeevy complaints.
To respect your comments:
You state that your husband's cousin brought her to your wedding as a plus one, and you complain that she did nto gift or thank you. HOWEVER: she was not even his fiancee at the time....just a date. She had ZERO obligation to gift or thank you - she did not even know you.....GUESS WHAT? gifts/thank you....that was your husband's cousin's job.
2019...men are supposed to be responsible for their social graces and NOT leave it to the women. And yet, it is often considered just fine for a guy to commit sins of omission in social moments ....and it is ....WE ARE ALL JUST HUMAN.
My wise and wonderful message of best wishes:
LOVE IT ALL ! Tell the bride you are thrilled and will participate as best you can financially and healthwise. She is getting OMG married....she NEEDS your reassurance, not your stress at her. BLESS her and the Groom and for goodness' sake
HAVE FUN! IT'S ABOUT LIFE!
Anonymous
07/22/19 at 12:36PM UTC
Just remember this. Having been married twice with medium sized weddings, I am now only friendly with one of my guests from the first wedding and none from the second. I am about to celebrate my 40th anniversary and have a bit of a long term perspective to share. Life goes on, circumstances change. People move in and out of your life. Family matters first. Do not over extend your finances to be an actor in someone else’s play. Give a small gift from her wish list and take care of yourself and your family.
Anonymous
07/22/19 at 6:53PM UTC
So very true... I agree, I am putting my family first! Thank you!
Anonymous
07/19/19 at 6:53PM UTC
I'd suggest to be honest, but not too many details (not anyone's business actually) . Sometimes people do not get a lot just because they care of themselves only. So, if you tried and she didn't get it it's not your problem!
Olivia Oz
846
07/19/19 at 5:51PM UTC
Being in weddings can be so expensive! I'd be upfront about it and let her know that through getting slammed with medical bills and having other predetermined events you can't back out of, you just can't make it all. That's should be completely understandable! But that is also hard when money isn't exactly an issue for her. Best of luck!
Anonymous
07/19/19 at 6PM UTC
Thank you ALL for your comments!
Update: We had a conversation about this and while she was disappointed I couldn't make, she completely understood. I expressed that my husband and family are Priority #1 and cannot always please everyone especially with so many weddings, showers, etc. going on. I was surprised at her response and very happy with the way the conversation went. She's excited that I'm still attending and will be the bridesmaid... but now the question remains - does being part of the wedding party mean I still have to give a shower gift and monetary gift?
Bosslady200542CTO & Software Engineer=REACT+Angular
54
07/22/19 at 1:47PM UTC
I'd think about some way to give her a meaningful gift -- something with more heart than expense. A letter, a marriage journal, recipes, etc. Compliment it with something practical. For example a small instapot and some recipes. OR a beautiful journal for newly married couples and something about your story as a couple. A gift card suffices if the meaning is carried some other way.
The best gift I received at my shower was a necklace given to me originally by my parents and then lost, that my sister found in a suitcase while packing to come to my shower. My husband had actually purchased the same pendant as a replacement, so I gave him the original and he gave me the new one. Everything else I received was practical, but nothing was a meaningful -- so this is the gift I remember 23 years later.
Goalsetter498760
11
07/23/19 at 12:23PM UTC
I had an out-of-state wedding that happened right after I moved. 2 of my bridesmaids gave me very nice gifts. 1 gave me: her help with save the dates, a handmade veil, a very cool handmade Christmas ornament (she made one for each member of the wedding party and my husband's and my parents) and her arrival 3 days prior to wedding day to help with last-minute stuff.
I honestly feel like if you do enough helping (based on your ability), you can forego a gift, especially if you've travelled thousands of miles to get to the wedding.
Also, there is nothing wrong with giving a gift later.
Anonymous
07/21/19 at 3:50PM UTC
I’d give a small shower gift and medium wedding gift. No monetary gift.
J.S. RomanI Love Challenges & The Hustle!
384
07/17/19 at 1:49PM UTC
Thank you LadyPele, I have tried that type of response... I guess to some when money is no object, they are not interested in finance excuses but have this expectation that everyone should be able to pay!
I let my husband know that since i'm in the bridal party, I do not anticipate offering a gift.
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