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Awesome new job, but bosses management style is a challenge
I started a new job about 3 months ago. I love everything about it, except for my bosses management style. He seems to be a perfectionist who is resentful that he now has to be a manager. I am his only direct report. He has been extremely critical of any errors, even as minor as 1 letter being incorrectly capitalized in my work. To be fair to him, it’s never personal. It’s always about the work. Still, I spent a day in tears because he snapped at me that he “didn’t care why” when I tried to explain that he’s holding me to a standard no one else in the company is consistently meeting, not even our head of engineering.
Since I started, I’ve learned a new programming language and have really been proactive in my work. The customers are happy with what I am doing. Because he’s so critical of small mistakes, I’m afraid every day that if I make a rookie mistake that actually is a big deal that he won’t have my back and will just fire me on the spot. He doesn’t seem interested in taking about anything, so I hope someone has ideas how I can earn the trust of Mr. Uptight and get him to back off of me a little so that I have a chance to succeed in my new role. I do not want to quit or go to HR because I believe this is just a difference of style and normal growing pains. I hope someone here is a Type A boss dealing with an employee who is less detail oriented and can give me some tips.
Kaleana
Wellbeing Director @ Sequoia
152
12/05/19 at 10:21PM UTC (Edited)
There are some really great comments and suggestions here, but I'll just focus on the basic facts here and play a little bit of devils advocate ;) Your boss is catching mistakes you are making, and while you may view them is small, it bothers him. (Obviously, he is going about discussing with this you in completely the wrong way - NO one should belittle you or make you cry). But let's take a step back. As someone who has direct reports myself - when my employee makes a mistake, it's my mistake - and I have a boss too. If my employee makes a grammar error on a newsletter that goes out to clients, and my boss catches it, he'll get on me and ask why "I" didn't catch that. Technically, I should be overseeing these things, right? As someone who's a new manager, I can see how he suddenly feels like now he's not just being scrutinized for his mistakes, but your mistakes too - and that doesn't feel great. Now - here's how you can help him - figure out the right way he likes to proof things, or if he doesn't have the time - find someone else to fact check or glance over your work. In my example of the newsletter, after finding a few errors, I worked with my direct report to have her print it out and run it by someone in the lunch room a few days before send. Then - I looked it over, gave it my stamp, and it launched. If your boss is as much of a perfectionist as it sounds like he is (I'm a perfectionist too), I appreciate someone who is thorough and at least makes the effort to have a second set of eyes on things, be it a letter, presentation, or even just an email. You don't want to live your life in fear, for sure - but I think talking with your boss on a better "QA" process for your work would at least allow him to suggest someone (even if it's himself) who can help; it's that self-admittance of "hey, I know there's been a few mistakes on my work lately, and I want to make sure everything is up to your standards before approval - I had Karen look this over and thought I'd have you take a glance when you had a second, would you mind?". See how he reacts!
LEANNE TOBIASInvestment real estate/sustainability
4.07k
12/04/19 at 11:53PM UTC
Your boss sounds overly harsh— if these mistakes are minor, his attitude is *not* productive. I’m sorry that you are faced with this situation.
At the moment, I think that the best thing to do is focus on your own reactions and processes:
1. Don’t take this personally. You’re doing fine— this is your boss’s problem. (Understood that this is more easily said than done.)
2. Keep a standard response to the criticism: “Thanks for pointing that out— I’ll fix it immediately.”
3. Submit your work in advance so there is always time to make fixes.
4. Can you submit drafts?
One more point: if your boss doesn’t ease up over time, you might want to consider alternative job options.
Dr. Krisha Hawkins
64
11/30/19 at 4:14PM UTC (Edited)
In my experience, what is not talked out will be acted out. The fact that you were in tears, as a result of an interaction with your new manager indicates that the work is having an emotional impact on you.
To answer your question about how you earn his trust, I don't think there is a clear cut response to that since that is dependent on him. You can only control the part that is dependent on you which is to continue to be trustworthy. For clarity, this does not mean to be perfect because that type of expectation of yourself will only add to the problem. One of those ways to exhibit trustworthiness is to have the conversation with the manager. I understand that he may not be interested in having a conversation. If this is truly the case, then the conversation may have to take place in written form. However, a verbal conversation where there is two-way dialogue is preferred.
In your conversation, try to start out by stating your common goals (to do a good job, to support the organization). Then, progress into the actual facts of the situation. From reading your example, I was not able to ascertain if the other employees directly reported to your manager. If they do not, comparing the expectations of other managers to that of your manager may not be very beneficial. Next, conclude with the impact that this work is having on your common goal(s).
I would like to address that you seemed to label yourself as "less detail oriented". Is this a true reflection of your work or is this a projection of your manager's attitude towards you? If you are indeed not detail oriented then, it may be necessary for you to use writing tools like "Grammarly" or take courses to improve your skills. However, if it is your manager's projection on you then I encourage you to see yourself in a more positive light.
At any case, it is important to make a good impression on a new manager. It is equally important to protect your mental and physical health.
Good luck to you!
Anonymous
11/30/19 at 4:14PM UTC
When I say less detail oriented, I mean than my manager is. My goals in my work are to have happy clients, happy engineers, and a company that is thriving. I am in technology because I love how it helps people solve problems. Many of my colleagues love to be smart and to be right. Those do not matter to me as long as we have a benefit to people.
I’ve talked to him both in Slack and in person. He’s a true manly man, in that he isn’t comfortable talking about feelings. I am very comfortable talking about anything and everything. I hope we can find a middle ground that works for us both, but I am not likely to change him.
D Anne Coleman
98
11/29/19 at 2:13AM UTC
I guess I’m just saying, don’t let your mental health suffer because there are other jobs out there that you will love and that will have a better boss. If you find that you start to dread going there, it’s time to walk away.
D Anne Coleman
98
11/29/19 at 2:10AM UTC
These ladies gave you some great strategies to try, unfortunately when I was in a similar position I ultimately just couldn’t make the job work. I started to dread having to come in because I knew that it would not matter what I did, it would be wrong in some way. You mentioned sitting there watching the others working while your work is taken away... At the job I had that was similar, anytime a mistake was made at the workplace, my boss automatically blamed it on me and/ or made me fix it. She never even considered the other people working there who could’ve made the mistake. I finally quit after she was less than receptive when I finally confronted her about scapegoating me when she accused me of breaking something and leaving it without saying anything, as well as, leaving a mess i none work area all in one day. I suppose the other two who worked there had long since stopped worrying about making mistakes on their jobs knowing I’d be taking the blame for whatever they did anyway. I grew up with an emotionally neglectful parent who only showed pleasure with me when I achieved success at something... so this continual perfection-Serling style is really triggering for me. It took me a while applying, but I finally found a job where I am make about 70k more than I was making at that job. I’m actually doing what I was meant to be doing. And - I’m treated with respect.
Jackie RukaProfessionalHappyologist Thrive in your purpose.
2.07k
11/27/19 at 1:37AM UTC
The best way to deal with a controlling person is to give them a lot of space. Eventually he will ease into having you there and once he knows your capable then you can better communicate. Often managers like this thrive on stress, albeit his own. I consulted for a company with a similar type manager. A great and smart guy however it took him 3 months to finally release the reins and be more of a leader and coach and less of a micromanager. In the meantime, just breathe. Let him be and look at this as a way to learn about the company, the job and your coworkers!
Anonymous
11/27/19 at 3:16AM UTC
My colleagues are amazing. Hard working, nice, very smart people. They make this job worth dealing with the boss.
Jackie RukaProfessionalHappyologist Thrive in your purpose.
2.07k
11/27/19 at 3:31AM UTC
Your saving grace! ????
Anonymous
11/26/19 at 7:14PM UTC
I have had bosses like this and it's tough. Even when the comments aren't personal, it can be hard to not take them to heart, especially when they're piling up like you describe. Really, in the short term, I had to learn to just breathe and remind myself to make the changes but ignore the comments. In my organization at the time, it was possible for me to branch out and start taking tasks under other managers which helped cut time with the pefectionist, which improved my quality of life day-to-day. If you don't have that option and don't feel up to addressing it, I would take extra care with your tasks/let him know you're doing so and send your work over for approval to build trust and hope he lays off a bit. If not, it's time to bring this up – ask someone in your org for their advice/understanding of how complaints like this should work and let the proper person know it's killing productivity.
Anonymous
11/27/19 at 3:33AM UTC
We have set a formal goal of me taking over an entire area from
my boss. I think once I get there it could be the change that we both need
Anonymous
11/27/19 at 1:22PM UTC
Yes!
Barb HansenStartup Product, Growth & Strategy
6.67k
12/17/19 at 4:57PM UTC (Edited)
Here's a different take for you.
Does your company have the ability to provide a mentor or do you think you could get a mentor? Someone at your manager's level or one step above your manager (generally mentors are in a different department but not always), who could help you navigate your career in general, and your career-path at the company. The side-benefit is that the mentor might be able to help you navigate the issues you are having with your manager. Of course, you can't complain about your boss to your mentor, but you can raise the issues you are having with your boss as generalities to your mentor. Every company has a corporate culture (your manager may be reflecting correctly or incorrectly their perception of how to advance in the company), having someone in your corner (like a mentor) can help you understand your company's culture, help you in your career and give you more arrows in your quiver.
Anonymous
11/27/19 at 3:15AM UTC
I have someone in mind! I’ll hit her up when I visit her location for the holiday party so I can ask her in person at work.
User deleted comment on 11/27/19 at 3:14AM UTC
Anonymous
11/26/19 at 6:11PM UTC
Hrmm, so I've worked under someone like this before. If you can't have a conversation about his management "style" as in "please give me some space to learn and get through my work" then there's a tactic that is SO annoying but works. Every, single, thing you do, send it his way to check over, BEFORE he asks for it so that you 1. bombard him with all your work until he's a little overwhelmed and 2. once he realizes you're not making huge mistakes/are up to his standard he leaves you alone. This works most of the time because it's such a timesuck...BUT if he really is super super perfectionist, he may actually LIKE you doing it so there's that warning too. So sorry to hear he's this way. When someone is very used to doing things ONLY their way, it's really hard for them to cede control (and they often don't want to).
Jackie RukaProfessionalHappyologist Thrive in your purpose.
2.07k
11/26/19 at 6:20PM UTC
This does work however, you have to be 10 steps ahead of him and be ultra prepared. Eventually he will get the message and hopefully ease up and realize his way is not realistic.
Anonymous
11/27/19 at 1:29AM UTC
He has forced this to happen by automatically routing all of my work through him in our system. Literally micromanaging every single email and thing I work on. Also, if I do anything imperfectly, he takes back all of the work as punishment & I have to sit there doing nothing while everyone else is busy. It’s a bit like working for a Drill Sargent from a movie. A few times he complimented me, but it seemed like it was hard for him to do. “Good idea” or “sounds good” is high praise from him. Still, I think this idea may work eventually, if he doesn’t have a heart attack from the stress first.
Anonymous
12/24/19 at 7:28AM UTC
All good suggestions / ideas. However, this guy is a retired Marine, has poor people skills. Where I have 29 years in civil service, he has 5 years. We’ve seen the micro-managing & mentoring is allowed in our agency usually with some one 2 grades higher or up., but that only if your in the good ole’ boy network. So, he pulled a stunt with me the other day that took him to the EEO office for what he did. I told him it was in the past & it’s best not to throw me an ultimatum & I'd start the process to get my situation fixed & I had done so. If I’d been ~15 years younger I’d have been much more reactionary in how I’d handled the situation. There are 2 other people that sit in my office that have seen his “antics” . After my EEO action, he now walkes on eggs shells when he’ll comes into the office now as if he’s walking on egg shells. We have specifically to him that we are NOT Marines & would not be treaded as if we, were enlisted marines that he’s used to dealing with.
Anonymous
11/26/19 at 5:52PM UTC
This strangely reminds me of a child with a perfectionist parent. No shade. You've said a lot of positive things about him, and yourself, and it seems you want badly to be perfect for him because he wants to be perfect too. Maybe the only way to get ok with this is to accept that this is your dysfunctional but loving parent/child relationship. He is who he is and will react the way he reacts. Accept him for how he is, embrace it as his "crazy" and keep working on being perfect ;)
JessicaViolett
117
11/27/19 at 1PM UTC
I agree with this strategy. I think thats the approach and honestly, if this guy is going to point out every single detail of flaw, it’s going to be a tremendous learning experience and if it doesn’t make you break, it will make you GREAT! You will be in tune with the minute details of your work, and start to recognize common themes in your error that you can correct, equaling Nothing less than perfection.
Anonymous
11/27/19 at 1:31AM UTC
If I can stop this from making me cry, ruining my confidence, or undermining my performance, this job could be the best fit of my career. Really! That’s why I want it to work so badly.
Keri WilsonBusiness Excellence Consultant
792
11/27/19 at 4:22PM UTC
You can flip the way you perceive this. (I know it sounds impossible, but I've done it). That thing he does is his insecurity coming through. Next time he faults you for a capitalized letter, correct it and smile to yourself ("ha ha, that again, you silly guy, smh"). Play a game with yourself - "today I think he'll find 6 things wrong" and when he does, you win!! It's you trying to figure out the best way to work with him, not you trying to make him change. You will not make him change. But you can change how you view this. It upsets you because you perceive it as criticism (which probably 99% of us would do to). See if you can flip it to something else. And seriously, you might consider calling the EAP just to get some coping mechanisms, or ideas for different ways to change your perception.
HannahRPhigher ed/ non-profit consultant
42
11/26/19 at 6:32PM UTC
This is exactly right- I am in a similar situation at work, and when sharing with my therapist she was able to talk me through the parent/child relationship that this management position really is- almost like he got a kid that he never wanted, and now doesn't know how to parent.
Hopefully you'll get to a point where you're independent enough so that your value comes not from meeting his expectations but the work you're doing for the team/company.
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