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Anonymous

08/24/20 at 9:08PM UTC

Career

Stood Up for Myself Feedback

The only male coworker on our small 5 person team was trying to belittle me. Our extraordinary male supervisor recently passed away, so my male coworker was trying to take charge of the team, same as he did before when we had a direct supervisor when the supervisor was not around. A temporary supervisor has stepped in for the time being. My male coworker won't try to boss my other strong female coworker, but I needed to stand up for myself this time. All 5 members of our team work each client in a different way. This male coworker and I have different ways of working with clients. My male coworker makes advanced promises and has boundary issues with clients. I never promise clients anything and am working to perfect my boundary setting. The client called the male coworker and my coworker made the client an advanced promise in a single phone call that involved me. I confronted him about the promise. He told me verbally: "The referral is a simple email that can be done today...do you know how to do it? His tone was sarcastic and belittling. I had it. I told him to not talk to me like I was dumb. This small out burst was from built up anger toward my male coworker's sarcastic remarks in the past. As my deceased supervisor said about me; "She does not take kindly to being disrespected" My other female coworkers on my team are not really talking to me, but I am proud of myself for standing up to him. My male coworker, I, and my temporary supervisor had a meeting about it, and my male coworker is not talking to me, which I do not mind. He has made petty remarks, not directly to me, but I think it is because he is immature since he did not get his way. I also called out his lie about making a promise because I heard him on the phone since our cubicles are close. My female coworkers seem so up in the clouds and charmed by this male coworker. I tried to keep this anonymous as possible with giving enough information. What do you think?

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Kimberly Moon

603

Clinical Research Professional

08/28/20 at 1:50AM UTC

Good for you for standing up to him! You should be incredibly proud of yourself! I hope that gives you newfound confidence! Take that bully down a notch!

Anonymous

09/10/20 at 2:51AM UTC

Thank you it felt good to stand up for myself!

Anonymous

08/26/20 at 11:35PM UTC

I will echo what most have said that you are in the right to stick up for yourself. I will also agree with the idea that you should start to look for another job. Your amazing boss may have been the only reason your job was enjoyable/tolerable and now that he is gone that is probably gone too. Not to sound harsh but I have been at a company so long that I had three different bosses and only one made work enjoyable. After the second bad boss I had to go. I moved from that toxic environment to another company. The new awesome boss I had got a promotion, which gave me a new boss that is not awesome. so here I am looking for a new job. I do have a question. When you had your outburst did you yell or just raise your voice? Unfortunately that matters. If you are always a quite mouse and then you scream your head off that makes you look unhinged. Even if your not. I know we all have our breaking points. Take this time to start to practice good come backs. There have been a few people I have known at work who are so funny and charming that they could tell someone do drop dead but they can say it in such a way that person will find them endearing. These people I admired are not bullies but were good at putting bullies in their place with humor. I have been fortunate to have had these people in my life that I observed and tired to learn those skills. Watching shows like who's line is it any way or taking a class in improve can help. If I had more time I would love to take an improve class. These skills also come in handy when your asked questions you don't really want to answer. LOL. Best of luck. Remember 1) you did right so stop questioning yourself on that 2) you work with a bully and the bully has an entourage so start looking for a new job now 3) Work on using humor to diffuse the bully or confronting bullies in a respectful manner. Always go high.

Anonymous

08/27/20 at 4:11AM UTC

I will take these suggestions to heart. I raised my voice and I don’t remember if I yelled because I was upset, but I am soft spoken so my ‘yelling’ might sound like a risen voice. Also I try to keep to myself to process my emotions. I know I sounded upset when I replied to him. I’m not going deny anything because I don’t think people grow from lying to themselves. I have been trying to find ideas of how to make good comebacks, so thank you so much for commenting. I feel like it’s hard to find a course on building confidence or being outgoing, or dealing with workplace bullies because it’s a lot more complicated than a general ‘cookie cutter’ training. Thank you for your help.

Anonymous

08/27/20 at 4:28AM UTC (Edited)

I also don’t yell so when I thought I yelled at my boss at work, she sent me over the edge, I later talked to a fellow and asked if he heard me yelling. He said I didn’t hear yelling. I thought you were just having a conversation (face palm). It’s very hard for me to be mean and aggressive. LOL! I also tend to over analysis my actions wondering if I overreacted. I was bullied growing up so it’s stayed with me. I have also had bully bosses so I started to do a lot of self reflection trying to figure out what I am not doing right to stop the bullying before it gets worse. I was always taught to just ignore but I found that only makes bullying worse ?. I have found it easier to deal with people at the same level In the hierarchy when I have to deal with attitude but it’s a lot harder if it’s a boss. In those cases I would find a new job ASAP. As for ur situation since the others on your team have chosen to turn it into high school it’s time to ditch the means girls. It’s not worth staying. Best of luck! U can do the thing!! ?

Bonnie Low-Kramen

Committed to building an ultimate workplace.

08/26/20 at 6:30PM UTC

Workplace bullying is not going to stop until we break the toxic cycle of abuse and staying silent. Here is a free white paper that I hope helps you. Together we can end bullying. https://learn.bonnielowkramen.com/courses/workplace-bullying-how-to-identify-address-overcome-a-toxic-working-environment

Anonymous

08/27/20 at 4:04AM UTC

Thank you! I’m all about fairness and respect. Thank you again I will look into it.

Michelle Okeke

Marketing Manager at Essence Communications

08/26/20 at 6:16PM UTC

I think we live in a corporate society that protects the so-called "brilliant jerk". It's good that you stood up for yourself, and I also think you should let your temp supervisor know that his treatment of you prohibits you from doing your best work, and needs to be addressed. It's high time we force these jerks to straighten up or fly right, or get booted out of the organization.

Anonymous

08/27/20 at 4:03AM UTC

Yes you couldn’t have put this any better. I almost feel like people don’t believe me, but of course because people commit horrible acts when no one is looking around. I called him out and I know he is upset about it. But I won’t stop defending myself because I’m fighting to maintain my respect and I will no longer let anyone try to tell me what to do. Of course professionally and respectfully. I’m fighting for what’s right.

Lucinda Lechleider

121

08/26/20 at 4:18PM UTC

If all your teammates are subsequently giving you a wide berth, I suspect that they might feel you are being overly sensitive. I might suggest that you and all of your team could take a DISC assessment -(they’re on line for free, take about 20 minutes). The DISC framework really underscores some fundamental differences among folks and can lead to greater understanding. I got my husband to take it recently and now realize that his “nit picking” is a function of his DC personality (directive about details) , compounded by my my Di nature which is annoyed by An allegiance to what I see as extraneous details. Not fixable, but now I no longer expect him to stop it...ha!

Anonymous

08/27/20 at 4AM UTC

Thank you! I have not heard of this and I will bring it up to my team. I’ll see how it goes.

Ladyboss874162

08/26/20 at 4:17PM UTC

Good job standing up for yourself, seriously. You won't regret it. Some environments support poor conduct and you may need to leave the job as I did, but you will leave with your head held high.

Anonymous

08/27/20 at 3:59AM UTC

Thank you so much! I’m so proud because this one of the first times I have stood up for myself in a situation like this. :)

Carmen Honacker

407

Fraud/Risk, Content Moderation, Trust & Safety

08/26/20 at 3:45PM UTC

There are two things I'd look at. 1. Is this bully encouraged and supported? You've stated that the other coworkers no longer talk to you. If you can stomach that, than it's OK, but I'm telling you from experience that bullies have a way to get support, and if that is the case, they'll get worse and will make your life miserable. For that reason, I would not recommend staying in any organization that looks the other way/ignores bullies. 2. Do speak up, but don't fall prey to his games. Because they'll always try to bait you with snide remarks, passive aggressive commentary and actions and once they get that response, they use it against you as in "see, I told you all along that she's a loose cannon/crazy/combative/abrasive," etc. Bullies thrive on the responses they are getting, so ignoring them is your best bet, but that doesn't mean you should take their abuse either, so just be smarter than him in how you come at him. Lastly, document everything! Every little comment, action and snide remark and once you have enough, go to HR and file a complaint. While what he is doing is not illegal, it does create a hostile work environment and that is something good companies don't look kindly upon.

Anonymous

08/27/20 at 3:58AM UTC

Thank you so much yes I will think about these things and document everything. I’m still trying to decipher if he’s being supported because seeing a manager being neutral in a situation like this is difficult. Also my temporary manager said I am sensitive which I think is like: okay, well who would not be upset if a coworker tried to talk down to them!? I am looking to transfer soon.

Carmen Honacker

407

Fraud/Risk, Content Moderation, Trust & Safety

08/27/20 at 7:36PM UTC

Well, you've just answered it. Calling someone "sensitive" tells me all I need to know. It's a passive aggressive response and I wouldn't put much stock in it.

Anonymous

09/10/20 at 3:05AM UTC

Thank you yes I agree. Thank you for validating my response.

Colleen Ferrary

130

Our biggest mistake is undervaluing our ability

08/26/20 at 3:45PM UTC (Edited)

I completely agree that you MUST stand up for yourself, but... how you do it is really important as well. Based on your story, 5 of 5 co-workers are 'not talking to you' now and 'you don't mind.' If I'm reading the tone of your email correctly, it sounds like you really do mind and you feel alone and are questioning your decision. That's natural. Reading the male pseudo-supervisor's comment and your deceased boss' comment, I can take two very completely different meanings from both. What I'm reading is what you said is exactly true OR that you struggle to build alliances and I worry that at times your tone (as well as the one you infer from others) may be slightly misaligned. Indra Nooryi said the greatest gift she had ever received was from her father. He had challenged her to always assume positive intent. Everyone is just trying to do the best they can. Culture, parents, situations all affect how we hear and share information. Imagine the pseudo boss just hung up with his ex-wife and she was screaming at him for something he said to his kids? Maybe he's getting insane pressure from above to drive results in the department (which based on your story, I would assume to be true) so they can promote him? Worse yet, maybe he's hanging on my a string financially and really needs a promotion before he loses his house? Maybe he's trying to save your job? Two seconds after hanging up from his ex-wife he picks up your phone call. We all show up each day with baggage. When we go into conflict assuming the other person has an agenda, is out to get us, is a misogynist.... that's what we will leave with. Nothing more. Sometimes it's our loss and sometimes it's theirs. Either way, learning to handle bullies effectively and building alliances will help you forever. I promise you, 90% of bullies have no idea how they sound and that what they're doing landed poorly. There will be more bullies-- this I can guarantee. Before you leave--and it may just be the right thing to do--I would revisit your conversation with this guy.

Anonymous

08/26/20 at 11:46PM UTC

I believe I handled it the best I could. I think it's only natural to question my decision of standing up for myself due to being raised in a world where it's looked as foreign for women to stand up for themselves or seen negatively for doing so. Yes I do not mind if my female coworkers are not talking to me because they did not care to find out my side of the story. This is not about sex, class, or race. I do not have preconceived notions about my male coworker. My male coworker belittled me when no one was around to hear it. He is not my supervisor, we are all equal. He will not be promoted due to the nature of our work. He was confronted about his behavior towards me, he denied it, so no I do not have empathy for people who mistreat me in the workplace. I am still doing my job, but I will not allow anyone to talk down to me.

223

Marketing Technology Leader

08/26/20 at 2:23PM UTC

way to stand up for yourself. he's obviously not going to back down easily, so make sure he knows you won't stand for it. not sure i understand why your other coworkers aren't talking to you, but i'd watch your back just incase they're having side conversations w/ that male coworker that are not representing you well.

Anonymous

08/26/20 at 11:50PM UTC

I believe they are not talking to me because they do not want to get involved in the situation. I would think that they would ask for my side of the story, but they have not. I feel like this is a sense of being a bystander, but it's difficult. Thank you I am glad for your support. I was thinking about that too which is why I am extra careful now. I know who my allies are and will consider transferring to another department.

Anonymous

08/26/20 at 2:21PM UTC

If there is harassment in your work place, you need to keep a record so that if and when you do come forward with this, you will have a list of dates and times and what was said. Email yourself a note on your personal email each time it happens. Then if you have a he-said/she-said with HR down the road, you can show them the emails to show that your complaint isn’t a recent fabrication and that you didn’t make it up in response to the latest blow-up. This is particularly important if there are any elements of discrimination (age, race, disability, gender). Often the way this plays out is that the discriminator starts insinuating that you are a bad worker, and that you’re just claiming harassment to distract from that. If your emails to self go back farther than the bad reviews of your work, they can’t claim that you’re fabricating in response to the bad review.