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Anonymous
03/15/20 at 1:39PM UTC
in
Career

Should I take the offer of help to go up the ladder?

I've been in a manager position being an individual contributor for 3 companies so far. My supportive bosses often have asked me if I'd like to get into managerial positions. I love my work and the problem is, I love it so much before anything else. I enjoy talking about my work and challenges at home. I even find it meaningless to watch a movie or go to a party unless it's job-related. And I foresee myself being true self like this if I go up the ladder, while my partner has completely opposite mindset (he doesn't even work 8h/day somehow - I can't believe how he can leave his office before completing his work!). Should I take the offer of help to be in a true manager? I'm afraid of ruining my marriage again because of my too work-driven mindset.

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BETH HEDERMAN
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111
Marketing/Media professional / Yoga Teacher
03/19/20 at 1:45PM UTC
I think you have gotten some really great advice here. I did put work above all else and it left me unbelievably burnt out and I had health issues as a result. And when I did have a tragic event happen (my husband passed away) the company wasn't there for me like I hoped. Without going into detail (or hacking your post) some colleagues were there for me but not the company....so when I felt it was time I left 4 1/2 years later. And six months later I'm not looking back. What did I do? I found hobbies that interested me and prioritized myself, and my new relationship. I think its fine (and great even) to be driven, but I think you need to find the balance between work and life. And keep open communication with your partner, and your job. It is great that you love your job but as someone else said, the company loves your work until you can no longer do it, then they find someone else. It's harsh but true and its a lesson I had to learn unfortunately. I still think its fine to climb the ladder but with a safety harness :) (I/e/ your interests outside). Best of luck!
Anonymous
03/25/20 at 8:43PM UTC
Beth, thank you for your comment and sorry for your tragedy. I'm glad to hear that you had supportive colleagues. I also had some terrible thing happened to me which made me break down in the office - luckily my company back then was very supportive. Maybe what I'm struggling is why I need to draw a line between work and life. It seems like people tend to think the work is something they do for their employer, but that's not the commitment I take because I'd continue the same level of commitment even if I'm a freelancer or in a volunteer position. And to fulfill my responsibility, I need time to horn my skills further which may have to happen outside of those office hours. I guess I just don't understand how people are doing their job well without investing their time for work-related things outside of work hours.
BETH HEDERMAN
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111
Marketing/Media professional / Yoga Teacher
03/27/20 at 3:28PM UTC
I can ask the why for you, but maybe ask those around you. Do they feel they get what you need from them and vice versa? It's possible that you may not realize the sacrifices you are making for your job...its possible you're not but it is something to consider. Personally, I do believe you should work hard but I think there need to be boundaries. A lot of this comes from experience and observation but a company for the most part will take as much as you give. And when you no longer serve (or someone else can do it cheaper) then you're done (harsh but true). And are they paying you for all the extra work? Again, if its a company you are invested in its a different story...but that's my perspective. Hope it helps
Anonymous
03/17/20 at 2:38PM UTC
Hi, I was like you, but I lost my job several months ago, and I had no outlet to fall back on. The beauty of the loss is that since then, while I'm looking for a new career, I have started to spend more quality time with my husband and volunteer more in the community. This COVID thing has put bigger and greater things into perspective, too. Enjoy your family, work is just work.
Anonymous
03/25/20 at 7:26PM UTC
I was in your spot too for a good year or so. Soon I started a volunteer work in the community and also teaching online. Though neither of them were relevant to my area of expertise (i.e. my job area), both of them became very important to me and I wanted to take more and more time for those, which wasn't the happy outcome for my ex-partner. I honestly don't understand how people think "work is work". - OP
Jackie Ghedine
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5.71k
Coach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
03/17/20 at 11:30AM UTC
Being passionate about your job is a magical position to be in, one so many women (and men)wish they had. Kudos for finding the passion and fulfilling job. There are so many layers here that we could tackle. Are you passionate about the work or are you passionate about the way being successful at work makes you feel? This is a huge distinction because its about where you are putting value and worth. I was you for awhile and I put my job first for a very long time. What I would suggest is to set boundaries for home and at home so you can be 100% committed to your spouse when you are together. THAT is really the key, not the amount of time but the quality of time. Commit to doing something together every other day. Watch a great TV show together and debate it afterwards. (I know you don't choose to watch TV but its a great bonder). Go for a walk after dinner together and talk about something besides work. With everything happening with COVID-19, connection and communication with people will be critically important. Stay bonded.
Anonymous
03/25/20 at 7:22PM UTC
Jackie, thank you for your detailed comment. One follow-up question; if I set boundaries for home and at home, where and when am I able to have my own time to study and horn my skills for my work? I have 0 time doing these things during my office hours, and now I feel like my time at home is taken by my family, and I'm thirsty for the time I used to have for studying for exams, taking online courses, reading books & articles for my area of expertise etc. These should not be an occasional effort but ongoing, life-long learning effort. Podcast during the 30 min commute (which I lost because of COVID-19) is not going to be enough for me to excel. - OP
Jackie Ghedine
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5.71k
Coach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
03/25/20 at 8:54PM UTC
Just like you would a meeting, I suggest becoming diligent with scheduling your personal time. That 30 minute commute you lost can be set aside to go for a walk and listen to a 30-minute podcast alone. Things aren't normal now and we all feel a draw to work harder and spend more time with family but losing ourselves in that isn't ok. Do you take a lunch break or work right through? I guarantee you are much more productive at home, fewer spontaneous and unnecessary meetings interrupting your day, fewer colleagues 'stopping by' your work space. Building a schedule of work, self, family will help.
Anonymous
03/25/20 at 9:23PM UTC
Well, my concern is since before this uncertain climate, but you're right, this situation is bubbling up the issues I've been having even bigger. WFH hasn't benefited with me much as I still have many meetings and now that I have to compromise the precious lunch hours that I used to use to catch up the real work. Today is the first day for me to open this website since I made the original post. I'm honestly surprised to hear that people are more productive because random colleagues don't stop by their desk anymore - really, how much time have they been wasting in the office then? Scheduling my personal time is such a challenge. My partner and I go for a walk together so I don't think listening to the podcast is inappropriate. And since both of us are WFH thankfully, I have no room for making my personal time. Sorry if this sounds like shooting down your suggestion. I really appreciate it but alas somehow I can't find the way to make it work. - OP
See other replies
CONNIE CASTELLANO
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77
Community relations & special events management
03/16/20 at 1:12PM UTC
Being a true manager does not mean you have to give up family life, personal time or time to yourself. You have to find a balance so that you can enjoy the best of both worlds.
Clydene H
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217
Passionately helping customers & succeed.
03/17/20 at 4:11PM UTC
This is what I was going to say. Being a manager doesn’t - and shouldn’t - mean you have to work a ton more hours. I’ve found that if it does, it’s probably because you’re probably trying to continue doing things instead of managing them. When moving into management, your it’s hard to stop doing the things that got you noticed, but usually that’s not what is wanted from you anymore. Delegate and give your team members the opportunity to learn new things.
Anonymous
03/25/20 at 7:18PM UTC
Connie & IntentionGirl, thank you for your comment. Sorry for my delayed reply. The truth is, if I ever have "personal time", I prefer spend it for something related to my job. It may not be the actual work task; it could be studying for certifications, taking online courses, or reading some articles. And as IntentionGirl pointed out, the "real" managers need to know how to delegate, and that's another thing I'm quite afraid of. I'm proud of myself building this expertise and experience and I feel like I'll lose opportunities to show it or horn it further. I've seen many management who don't have even basic understanding of how things work and just drawing a dreamy picture, and I hate to be in that position. Sorry for the lengthy rant. - OP
CONNIE CASTELLANO
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77
Community relations & special events management
04/09/20 at 12:06AM UTC
do not fear delegating to other employees. Remember, they have to learn too. But, look for the strengths in those employees and build upon those strengths by delegating work that will enhance these strengths. Good leaders see the potential in others and empower them to become leaders. Good luck, Anonymous.
Summer Bammes
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73
A master of asking good questions.
03/15/20 at 11:08PM UTC
Sometimes an unbalanced life is fine, for a season. Right now, you seem focused on career at the expense of family and leisure, and it's possible that's as it should be. Maybe now is the time to charge ahead in the workplace and enjoy it! As time moves on, your priorities will probably shift, but I suggest there's nothing wrong with taking the sprint if you feel like you want to.
Gina Diamante
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880
News Editor at KPBS, San Diego's PBS/NPR station
03/15/20 at 3:09PM UTC
I don't think the problem here is the work itself. You paint yourself as a person who has no life outside of work. Time to start developing something. The trip suggested above is not a bad idea. Or involvement in some kind of group that is NOT connected to your work. For things to be meaningless outside of work connections does not say good things about your balance. What drew you and your husband together in the first place? Try to focus on the things you enjoyed together from the very beginning. You may need to see a counselor to get some help in figuring out a work/life balance. That's perfectly all right! And when you've got that balance, then you can look at offers like this one in terms of whether they will truly benefit your family.
Anonymous
03/15/20 at 3:55PM UTC
Thanks for your comment. Though your advice is really sound, I already tried and didn't work out. For instance, having involvement outside of work. I used to help for a local non-profit, and as I took my commitment seriously, I ended up becoming the President, spending almost every day in the office after my main job. I also taught something unrelated to my main job, and ended up teaching 10h/week on average. It's somewhat counterintuitive to me to stop something I really enjoy doing, unless it's harmful like excessive drinking. I did spoke with some counselors and they all said I should follow my passion - well my passion is the job I'm doing. I I guess I'm too honest with myself, almost being selfish to follow my passion? I wish this COVID season would be over soon - I would be skiing with my partner, with zero time thinking about this dilemma. Thank you again for your thoughtful comments. Sorry if my response sounds like shooting down your advice. --- OP
Gina Diamante
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880
News Editor at KPBS, San Diego's PBS/NPR station
03/15/20 at 4:28PM UTC
It doesn't, actually. And you pointed out something you'd be doing if you could right now. That's good. And sometimes being kicked upstairs into management is the WORST thing that can happen to a person because they're no longer doing the work they really want to be doing. Examine the differences between the management jobs being dangled in front of you and what you're doing right now; will you still be able to do the things you really want to do or are you going to be buried in other tasks that don't fulfill you beyond giving you a paycheck? If the latter, I wouldn't feel guilty about taking a pass.
User deleted comment on 03/15/20 at 3:46PM UTC
BansheeBailey
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918
Former law firm accountant, now retired.
03/15/20 at 2:11PM UTC
I was reading this, thinking “the more job functions you’ve performed, the more options you’ll have,” UNTIL I read about your marriage. You know yourself better than I do. You know you don’t have to say yes to your managers. If you have a good marriage, don’t take it for granted. Have you discussed it with your husband? That’s partly what spouses are for. With respect, a nice off-the-grid vacation may be in order. I didn’t work as faithfully as you, but I still ended up burnt out. Jobs come and go, but our relationships are what fulfill us in the long run. I don’t think burning the candle at both ends is productive for long. Congratulations on having the self-awareness to think twice about this before automatically saying “sign me up.” Not everyone does. I didn’t.
Anonymous
03/15/20 at 3:35PM UTC
Thanks for your comment. I already discussed it with my partner; he's confident that I can do the higher level of jobs, but he didn't mention how we could tackle the foreseeable "unbalanced" life. We do love traveling so once this COVID thing is over, we'll plan something. I hope I don't feel bored again during the trip. - OP
Nathalie DB
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18
Owner of SOCRATE Consulting Mediator for WFP
03/17/20 at 5:06PM UTC
Don't wait until Covid-19 is over to enjoy being with your husband! It may be the right opportunity for both of you.
BansheeBailey
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918
Former law firm accountant, now retired.
03/15/20 at 3:45PM UTC
Well, I don’t even know you and I’m confident that, with your work ethic, you would do well, but if I understand you correctly, that’s not the main issue. Go to a place you’ve always wanted to see. Spend time researching the trip. Maybe some of the intensity you have toward work will carry over to planning the trip. I LOVED planning my honeymoon. If I had the money I’d go see the Taj Mahal. You must have a “Taj” of your own in the back of your mind.
Barkerslh
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17
Leading purposefully/Helping people
03/15/20 at 2:08PM UTC
That’s a tough spot to be in! I once had a wise woman ask me this question—if something happened to you, who would be most impacted?—your work place or your family? Stopping and reflecting on that question has always helped me in my decision making. I will be thinking about you as you wrestle with this decision. Take care!
Anonymous
03/15/20 at 4PM UTC
Thank you for posing such a deep question. My initial thought was "if that "something" makes me unable to work, my team would just find another person to fill my role, while my family would suffer from the financial impact. " I'm sure this is not the intention of the question. What's wrong with me... -- OP
Nathalie DB
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18
Owner of SOCRATE Consulting Mediator for WFP
03/17/20 at 4:56PM UTC
Nothing wrong! Just maybe some confusion between your roles. Don't be harsh to yourself. I understand you so well: it's so great when ones loves her job. . Just let me ask you some more questions: What is the good side of your actual commitment to work? and to the family? Would you family only suffer from financial impact? What are they maybe suffering from the present situation? You said your husband is also working. What is the good side of his mindset? Now if you could build a bridge, how would it be?
Anonymous
03/25/20 at 7:13PM UTC
Natalie, thanks for your comment and sorry for my delayed reply. The good side of commitment both to work and to family is the sense of filling responsibility in the society, or making positive impact to the society. And this is applicable for the commitment to family as well, as I believe family is a smallest group in society. And my family (for now my partner and cat) would suffer from financial impact if something happens. Who's going to bring bread to the table (or food into the cat bowl). People may say my partner is just laid-back but I find him just uninterested and indifferent with his work. And because of this indifference or zero motivation to his work, I'm unable to find the possible bridge to fill the gap. - OP

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