Sober in a drinking world

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Anonymous

05/01/19 at 5PM UTC

Management

Sober in a drinking world

Our boss likes to take all of her store managers in her district out for a wine night once a month. It's really a lovely gesture and a chance for us to be out of the stores and get to know each other and form relationships. This all sounds great, except I'm sober. To my fault, I haven't been comfortable saying that because I don't want to share that part of my life with the management team, so I normally make up an excuse like I have yoga afterwards or have not been feeling well. When I say I don't play on drinking that night due to other obligations, she still encourages me to join them, but it's always awkward being the only one in the wine bar drinking sparkling water, and while they are all cutting loose. I usually always end up leaving early, but I also then miss out on building those relationships. I've suggested we try other things for team bonding/celebrations, but the rest of the management team loves these wine nights and this is how they like to engage, and I'm just the girl who always has something else going on. We also work in a retail environment where none of us make great money, and our boss always picks up the tab, which is a bonus for them. Should I even address this? I don't know how many more excuses I have left in me before someone asks me why I always have an excuse not to drink.

6 Comments

BossBrandy

1.32k

05/01/19 at 5:28PM UTC

Thanks for sharing. Question for you! Is drinking a temptation if you're around it or would you easily be able to hang out with coworkers while they drink wine?

SierraM

461

Technical product manager

05/01/19 at 6:38PM UTC

I have a friend who was an alcoholic and went through a painful process to become sober. When at a place where there are others drinking, she just says "I don't drink." No involved story. No background. It's a decision, and she doesn't drink. End of story. Sparkling water and lime, please! Now, she's also said it took a LOT of courage and practice to get to this point. There is a strong culture of drinking, and stepping outside that culture is hard, whether or not you've ever been an alcoholic. You are bucking the norms. AND... most people just don't care. They probably don't even notice. They're having fun, you're having fun, and no one cares what's in your glass. While it is understandably forefront in your mind, it likely has never crossed anyone else's mind whether you've had wine at those gatherings or not. I remind myself frequently that no one is paying as much attention to me as I think they are. :) There are certainly undertones of saying "I'm sober" that "I don't drink" doesn't covey. It could be a way of accomplishing the goal without having to tell your management any stories. You do not have to explain your life choices to anyone if you don't want to.

Lady Pele

3.95k

Retired Project Manager

05/01/19 at 7:09PM UTC

Unless the temptation is the problem, I wouldn't say anything and just order a soft drink or non-alcoholic beverage. You can call the wine bar in advance to learn what the options are. If asked why, you can simply say "I prefer not to drink". For me, any alcohol puts me to sleep and I have no problem saying that. A friend readily admits that alcohol doesn't mix with his medications.

Anonymous

05/01/19 at 8:28PM UTC

BossBrandy, drinking is actually a temptation for me as well, but as long as no one is ordering me a drink, I'm okay. I have a lot of friends that drink, but they also know I don't drink, and it works out. I guess I'm more scared of coming clean about it to my co-workers and having to explain that I don't.

Carrie Topolski

2.22k

Empowering women and beyond!

05/09/19 at 8:19PM UTC

This is completely up to you. If you want to have a private conversation with your boss about it then do it. I think you may find a great relief in getting it out and not having to worry about it any more. Then your boss can change up the night out by saying.. it's time to do something different or at least changing it up so not every gathering is a wine night. You should be able to confide in your boss and not have to tell everyone.

Jemia Williams

451

DEI Practitioner | Social Media | Writer

05/14/19 at 7:39PM UTC

100% I believe you should say something. You may not feel it now, but the lack of connection you are getting is going to catch up with you and you are going to feel further behind in relationships with your colleagues. Next thing you know months/years have passed and you might still be in the same spot. This is a challenge I see in our environment as well. Trying to find different team building activities that do not always have to be centered around adult beverages. Yes getting together after work for a "drink" is the easiest and quickest thing to do, but when time and effort is put in to creating a team building event, there is much more value that comes out of that. Have a conversation with your boss. Let him/her know that you really feel disadvantage since every outing is surrounded by something you particularly do not care to take part in. Explain how this affects your well-being at work. Once you lay those things out to your leader there really won't be a choice but for them to work in alternate plans to accommodate everyone. They do not have to change every event, just a few of them. And make sure you are meeting them in the middle. There are times I am fasting from alcohol myself, and I always find away to create a mocktail (tonic & fresh lime) when I am out with colleagues. I even ask for it in a cocktail glass that way no one can tell the difference. I hope all of these great ideas help you!