Just to be totally honest: I am the breadwinner in my marriage.

Question

I feel like sometimes it causes a lot of friction. I also feel resentful because my husband still wants to be the main decision maker about family/household issues. Does anyone else have the same issues?

Anonymous · Answer

Someone already left a great suggestion on how to help. I'm offering validation for both you and your husband that our times have no roadmaps or role models for shifting gender roles. It can be extremely confusing if you were, for instance, brought up as I was to expect the man of the house to be the provider. Well, you can own the Provider role, but reinvent it too. You & your husband can distribute your house hold tasks according to your skills, for example. I too have been the major bread winner in my house but I am a lousy bookkeeper, so my husband does that. He checks the homework, I do the cooking. He plans outings, etc. Recognize and take advantage of your husband's talents & put them to use. Good luck & be a proud Provider

Anonymous · Answer

Sharing power is a problem is in my marriage, too - even though my husband and I generally make about the same amount of money (and I have far superior benefits!). Saving money is a priority when he decides it is. Early on in our marriage, he would show judgement on minor purchases I made - like soap or small souvenirs when traveling. I have consistently taken the approach of encouraging him to buy the things he decides he'd like to have - since we are both working and have the money to do so. 

I often have to point this out to him and he does get a little sheepish so I know he knows I am right. He grew up in a household where his dad was a Dr. and his mom stayed home - and his dad was terrible with money so he definitely has some issues. 

It's difficult in my situation because I do often feel I have to justify purchases to him which I hate, and that it seems that HIS feelings towards money and purchase decisions are always the most important. 

If you haven't read John Gottman's 'The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work'I highly recommend. His section on Accepting Influence was profound in its explanation and identification of power struggles. And the realization that this is common among men because they are trained by society at large to have, show, wield power made me feel much less alone. It has also given us an objective starting place for this discussion, which diffuses a lot of the tension.

Hope this helps!

Anonymous · Answer

I'm in a similar situation - though slightly different in the sense that I want my husband to make some decisions and take certain actions when it comes to taking care of the family but he thinks that b/c I'm the breadwinner I should be the main decision-maker about this household matters too (when all I want to do is delegate like I do at work)!  In my marriage we just had to talk it all out -- like literally write down who controlled the decisions in which domains and what things were joint decisions so we weren't operating under frustrating assumptions we had about what the other person should or shouldn't do (either b/c of gender roles or b/c of what jobs we had at work and what financial means we each have).

Just to be totally honest: I am the breadwinner in my marriage.

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