What details should you absolutely discuss before getting married?

Question

I’ve been in a 2-year relationship and this year we’ve talked a lot about getting married. I love this guy and I’m so excited about it but I’m curious, women who are or have been married, what hard conversations were an absolute must before tying the knot?

Lady Pele · Answer

1.	Talk about money.  Are you both going to work?  What percent of your total income is saved, what’s spent on necessities and what are those necessities.  If he wants a new car every year and you want to save for a three-week cruise, does your income support both?

2.	Talk about intimacy and sex (they aren’t necessarily the same).  What are your expectations for both?

3.	Talk about doing things together and separate.  Are there weekly “Night out with the boys/girls”?  One partner might want more personal space while the other may feel ditched or jealous.  One may want to read a book every Sunday while the other wants to go out and do things.

4.	Talk about children.  Do you want them?  When?  How many?  Do you want to adopt if you have difficulty conceiving?  Are there religious expectations on raising the child(ren)?  What about disciplining the children?  Do you agree?  Talk about all of it.

5.	Along with the children and raising them, also talk about family “traditions”.  Did you grow up watching TV while eating dinner and your partner believes everyone eats around the table as a family?  How do you celebrate major holidays?

6.	Relationships with the opposite sex.  What if one or both of you have to travel with a colleague of the opposite sex?  Are you both comfortable with that?  What about friendships with the opposite sex?

7.	The last suggestion I would add is to talk about what the ideal marriage looks like to each of you.  You might have quite a surprise about expectations.

Anonymous · Answer

How you think about whose career takes priority, if you don't feel equally about how important this is. And also if something happens to force you to choose between prioritizing your two careers (family caretaking responsibilities, financial or other unforeseen circumstances), how you will choose.

Amy Olivier · Answer

I love all of these. There is a whole activity surrounding this in the book called 'practical weeding' it covers everything from kids to what would you do in the worst situations where your spouse or family member was deathly ill.

I highly recommend this book - beyond the hard hitting questions it talks through wedding planning with incredibly helpful advice and guidance. 
A Practical Wedding: Creative Ideas for Planning a Beautiful, Affordable, and Meaningful Celebration https://www.amazon.com/dp/0738215155/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_RdNHCb3FKMZE6

Katie Malone · Answer

The above response is spot on! 
I would chime in to add... If it is important to you, talk about religion. I'm Catholic and I knew I wanted to raise my children Catholic, so if a religious upbringing is important to you, make sure it is to your spouse as well. 
Also, values... where do you spend your time and money? Are those things important to your partner? Like do you spend money on lavish gifts or are you more of an experiences (vacations) person? I think those things are important to fully understand about another person before you commit.

Balanced424729 · Answer

Last name. Do not wait until you are getting your license to discuss - it was almost a deal breaker!

Angella · Answer

Also, I highly recommend never marrying before the age of 30! You're still evolving and have a better idea of who you are around 30. Remember, there's no rush! Times have changed! Don't compare your life timeline to your friends and family. There's no reason to feel like you're late to the party because it's not a competition!

Lady Enginerd 13 · Answer

New Bride here!!

Echoing what many ladies above had said. As part of our wedding in the Catholic Faith, it was required to go to pre-cana (a pre-marital workshop). I highly recommend some sort of course/class that does this!

I would also suggest talking about two often missed topics:
1. Expectations and Experiences
-What did your parents' situation look like? What was your home situation growing up? Each of us come in with different experiences that shape what we expect our new marriage/life to look like, and they may or may not match up. This is something that we continually work on. While both of our parents are married, their marriages are very different and this therefore shaped our views of marriage and family life.

2. Conflict Resolution 
-What are each of your personal habits regarding conflict? For example, I tend to bottle things up and say 'I'm fine' while my husband is much more vocal when something is wrong. How do we say 'I'm sorry'? How to we accept apologies? At what point do we need to say 'let's take a break'? How will we resolve inter-family conflicts, ie. not getting along with inlaws..

Best of luck!

Angella · Answer

Credit, debt, and money! I suggest going to myfico.com and take a look at the forum discussing relationships and money. Very useful look at how men and women approach the topic and what other problems people have.

Emily Pehl · Answer

Money, kids, and expectations - talking about these three (continuously, not just once!) will help your overall communication to thrive which leads to a better relationship.

ReadySetGo! · Answer

Based on painful past experience, be sure to discuss how much debt you're bringing into the marriage, and if there is any, how you intend to pay it off - who pays what and by what date it absolutely must be paid off. 
Also, what are each of your attitudes toward debt in general? If one of you is a splurger and the other a saver, this can cause huge resentments on the part of both unless you work out a compromise. (And in general, avoid credit card debt LIKE THE PLAGUE. Once you get in, it's like quicksand: dang hard to ever get back out.)
Credit scores are important. If you really want to buy a house or car in the next few years and your intended has a really low credit score, you'll have to take steps to get it back up toward 800 or you'll pay thousands more in interest than you otherwise would have. 
Last but not least, you have to be on the same page regarding retirement savings. I'd advise both of you to commit to some percentage of your paychecks to go toward 401(k)s, Roth IRAs, or some other investment vehicle. 
This may seem like I'm all about the money, but my fellow FGBers hit the other stuff already. Good luck to you!

What details should you absolutely discuss before getting married?

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