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Anonymous
04/24/19 at 8:51PM UTC
in
Management

When to be a manager vs. a friend

I am on a team of 14 managers, and only 2 of us are female. The other female manager in my work group, who is also my friend at this point, confided in me that she is being sexually harassed by our boss, and I don't know what to do. I've tried to get her to report it, but she refuses; she thinks it will only result in backlash and having her reputation tainted as a troublemaker. I offered to report it on her behalf, but she has begged me to not get involved and for me to forget she ever told me. This is an ongoing situation, and she is trying to be tough, but I know how much it rattles her and she can't focus at work because she's on edge. She's stopped engaging in team activities or things like drinks after work and makes up an excuse why she can't join us every time because she wants to spend as little time at work as possible to prevent it from happening more. I don't know what to do here. My heart aches for her, and I want to report it for her, and I want to report it for our company so that we can have a better work environment where people can feel safe. As a manager, I feel like I have a duty to report it, except she's begged me not to tell anyone. We don't have any tools or resources like an anonymous hotline or anything I can call. Also, because this only happens in private and I've never seen it, if it gets reported, it will no doubt get traced back to her, and then she will know I betrayed her trust. As a friend I want to respect her privacy and her choice. I am feeling really lost and helpless right now, in addition to how upset I feel for her that she feels helpless, and that this is happening in the first place. How can I help her? How can I change this behavior at my company? How do I balance being a peer manager and a friend?

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Anonymous
05/01/19 at 8:35PM UTC
We don't have any female allies at his level, it is all men. I will see if I can get HR to engage with me and make some suggestions on how we can handle it. Thank you both for the advice.
BeckyB_25
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178
Release Train Engineer. Mom of 2.
05/01/19 at 12:51PM UTC
At your boss's level, does he have peers who you deem to be potential female allys? Perhaps making in-roads with one or more of them will ease your teammates' fear of retribution. Hotline aside, HR could and should have the power to confidentially investigate as well. Good luck. I feel for you both.
Sierra Modro
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465
Technical curriculum development manager
04/29/19 at 2:45PM UTC
I have no answers, but I do suggest you (and your friend) consider this: The man who is harassing her likely is also harassing other women, now or in the past or future. By staying silent, we enable men to continue to harass other women. It’s unlikely your friend is the first, and she’s dealing with this awful situation because some other woman didn’t report this man. The fear of retaliation is legitimate - but... is your friend likely to continue to work with this man long term given how stressful it is? Imagine 12-24 months from now, with this man still there, still being a bully. Or possibly worse still, moving on to a new woman to harass. Sometimes it’s easier to save other people than to save ourselves.

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