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Anonymous
02/20/20 at 3:31AM UTC
in
Lifestyle & Relationships

Do you have a "broken record" friend?

My longtime BFF has a 4-day week, benefits, etc. and STILL complains about lazy co-workers, not getting paid enough, the brand new office space, longer commute, etc. I've listened and tried to support her, but am now seriously considering telling her I can't be her friend anymore. I have enough challenges in my life (don't we all), but I can no longer take the 24/7 negativity. She doesn't stop. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

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Mimi Bishop
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1.33k
Biz+Career Coach for Modern Gen X Women
02/25/20 at 8:49PM UTC
You've gotten some fantastic feedback here! I can see how being around this kind of energy is exhausting and you want to protect your own energy. So first, I want to point out good for you for taking care of you! Another thing you may want to say is something like, I've been hearing you talk about this over and over for some time and as your friend I want to ask you what's your biggest challenge here and more importantly how can you move forward so it doesn't continue to pull you down? In coaching this is called forwarding the action and getting buy in. If she continues to wallow then you may want that boundary. It is needed! Good luck here!
Anonymous
02/24/20 at 6:43PM UTC
Just another perspective...I'll bet she's incredibly grateful to have a friend like you who will listen to her. Many of us struggle with listening. Maybe no one else will listen to her, and she simply doesn't feel heard by anyone. Thank goodness for you. Does she want you to solve her problems? Suggest options? Or just hear her? Have you said "honey, this is obviously upsetting to you, you seem to mention it a lot, is there anything I can do for you?" And if so, what does she say? I know it's hard. I've had these friends too. And sometimes a break is needed. But if she doesn't have you, who does she have?
Anonymous
02/25/20 at 8:25PM UTC
She has a few other good friends who haven't saved the way she has, so she tends to start giving out financial advice. Oh, boy.
Victoria Cianci
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410
Project structure is key and I have the keys
02/21/20 at 4:06PM UTC
1. It is never easy to give up friendships when subconsciously we want to see the good. 2. I wouldn't complete cut out the person, just create a boundary of how you want this relationship to be. 3. Be honest overall
Corina
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855
02/21/20 at 7:58AM UTC
I would counter that with pointing out the positives that you have just mentioned. If she still complains after 2-3 times you should just tell her what you told us here. You can't take her negativity any longer. I don't think it's a reason to just stop being friends. You first need to try to sort it out and then take a decision based on whether she listens or not. Good luck!
Crystal Rhineberger
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2.29k
professional rofl nevermind lets just wing it
02/21/20 at 12:40AM UTC
I have one of these bffs as well. No matter what is going on shes on the sour lemon side never the lemonade. Its been this was for the 16yrs of friendship. We have actually split a few times because I couldn’t handle it. Currently sometimes I won’t take the venting calls, Sometimes i will hop off the call for whatever reason (usually the cat takes fall here lol) Most of the time I try to send positive texts of thinking about you in this hard time-doing this has caused less weird complaining Mayb your friend is unsatisfied somewhere else in life and work is the scapegoat?
Anonymous
02/22/20 at 2:38AM UTC
You're right in many aspects, Crystal. A lot of it is fear + the lack of a man in her life, but don't we care for ourselves first? And what man is attracted to a negative woman?
Crystal Rhineberger
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2.29k
professional rofl nevermind lets just wing it
02/22/20 at 9:47AM UTC
Absolutely or at least I do. I do feel there some individuals are very scared and reassure themselves by “their” clan. Its a bit like an empty nest syndrome, when that nest is empty dull, angry, negative feelings. Nest is not empty (aka someone to share with) these feelings go away. However I dont think negative attracts anyone You are a great person to stick by your friend!
Anonymous
02/25/20 at 8:24PM UTC
Thank you, Crystal. I appreciate your insight & support.
Anonymous
02/20/20 at 9:14PM UTC
I had a friend who was VERY much this person. I inadvertently pointed out that most of her conversation was negative/work related and she hadn't even realized. Sometimes people aren't aware of what's dominating their own conversation so give her the benefit of the doubt before cutting her out completely.
Anonymous
02/22/20 at 2:34AM UTC
I totally agree. She's aware, but she repeats what's "wrong", and forgets what's right (her health, decent savings, good friends, etc.). Thank u!
Anonymous
02/20/20 at 4:42PM UTC
I have one of those! I pray for her and speak only positive subjects to her. I have even told her she needs to speak to a professional because she may be depressed or stuck in old habits.
Jackie Ghedine
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5.71k
Coach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
02/20/20 at 5:58PM UTC
Not to bore you with brain science (but I'm obsessed), our brains are trained to search out negativity to protect ourselves, it goes back to primal survival. For someone stuck there, they have trained themselves to only look for negativity and when she scans a room, she links everything to a negative emotion or thought. She should seek out a coach or therapist who can work with her to shift her mindset so she can recognize what happiness looks like.
Katelyn Kuehl
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519
Always working to make things better!
02/20/20 at 9:39PM UTC
Jackie you are so awesome in this feed! I really appreciate this reminder though too. As a friend, Anne, it is not your place to be the coach or a therapist for her. You need to protect yourself with healthy boundaries but show support for her by connecting her with resources. Her fear from the position with work could also be manifesting itself into this negative anxiety bubble. You are not responsible or obligated to help her through that. Send a positive quote text message or a funny card in the mail to show your love and support. Send flowers to brighten her day but you need to protect yourself and your health. It might be hard to say that as I am sure you miss your friend but you already pulling away from it is a sign of needing to protect yourself. Just because right now you are not in a place to help her, doesn't mean you can't be a cheerleader or continue being a friend. Just know what the boundaries are you can handle. <3 Rooting for you Anne!
Jackie Ghedine
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5.71k
Coach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
02/21/20 at 12:16AM UTC
Thank you for those kind words, Rialiama.
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Lady Pele
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3.96k
Retired Project Manager
02/20/20 at 2:01PM UTC
I like Jackie's idea of saying "tell me about something good that happened today". Another option is to take a look at https://www.wikihow.com/Survive-a-Negative-Friend. That may help.
Jackie Ghedine
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5.71k
Coach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
02/20/20 at 11:56AM UTC
These friendships, especially those seeded in history, are toughest to decipher in situations like this. Here's the thing, you cannot change who she is and how she complains all you can do is change how you respond and react to it. Not the easiest thing to hear but it's true. Be direct. Let her know that she's been complaining a lot and that the more she complains the more she will just see what isn't working in her life. Then set boundaries and try different tactics. She starts complaining about work and say, "why don't you tell me one good thing that happened at work today?" She starts to complain and you say, "If you're going to spend our time together complaining, then I'm not going to agree to going out together any more." She is set in a pattern of negativity - and just a warning, when you are around negative people too often, you can pick up those bad habits.
Anonymous
02/20/20 at 1:40PM UTC
So wise - and I will incorporate these tactics for sure. Behind the negativity is fear. She’s afraid she won’t have the $ to retire, etc., but won’t change her POV that she’s damn lucky she has what she has. I really appreciate your response!
Lynne Cogan
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858
Career Coach for Realizing Professional Dreams
02/23/20 at 4:04PM UTC
If you think the underlying cause of your friend's behavior is fear of not having enough money to retire on, do you know her situation? Is she investing any money toward retirement--including in dividend-producing stocks, etc.? Does she have any additional streams of income?--Not a second job but leveraged income (usually called passive income)? I ask because if she is depending solely on her job and bank savings, she could be correct in her assessment. That is scary and that is what most people do. That and go into debt, which makes saving for retirement even more complicated. If this is her situation and you want to help her, you might want to find an appropriate way of discussing such things given whatever you know or don't know about finances and connections you have (i.e., financial planner) and where she is. Or learning together.
Anonymous
02/25/20 at 8:23PM UTC
As far as I know, she's done well with savings, retirement and little/no credit card debt. She's way better at finances than I am, but she's the lasts one left of her immediate family. I think deep down, she's scared that no one will "take care" of her. My POV? That's BS. We can't/shouldn't rely on others to take care of us. She's done well. Enjoy life and quit complaining!
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Jackie Ghedine
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5.71k
Coach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
02/20/20 at 5:56PM UTC
Absolutely Ann. I'm glad you found it useful and I think it will help you manage the relationship differently. Good luck!
Anonymous
02/20/20 at 6:45AM UTC
That's a tough one. Does she bring anything good or positive to your friendship? Will you feel a significant loss without her in your life? If not, then I'd cut ties. If so, then tell her it's clear she's unhappy and she should get a new job, if you haven't already. Other options are to establish boundaries such as the one mentioned above or distance yourself.
Anonymous
02/20/20 at 1:41PM UTC
She used to be a lot of fun, but she’s not really “hearing herself” anymore. When she works around toxic people, she becomes toxic.
Lynne Cogan
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858
Career Coach for Realizing Professional Dreams
02/23/20 at 3:49PM UTC
We all do. That's one of the reasons negative people have a more challenging time finding work. Managers don't want to infect their teams with that kind of toxicity.

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