Do you have a 'broken record' friend?

Question

My longtime BFF has a 4-day week, benefits, etc. and STILL complains about lazy co-workers, not getting paid enough, the brand new office space, longer commute, etc. I've listened and tried to support her, but am now seriously considering telling her I can't be her friend anymore. I have enough challenges in my life (don't we all), but I can no longer take the 24/7 negativity.  She doesn't stop. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Jackie Ghedine · Answer

These friendships, especially those seeded in history, are toughest to decipher in situations like this.  Here's the thing, you cannot change who she is and how she complains all you can do is change how you respond and react to it.

Not the easiest thing to hear but it's true.

Be direct.  Let her know that she's been complaining a lot and that the more she complains the more she will just see what isn't working in her life.  Then set boundaries and try different tactics.

She starts complaining about work and say, 'why don't you tell me one good thing that happened at work today?'

She starts to complain and you say, 'If you're going to spend our time together complaining, then I'm not going to agree to going out together any more.'

She is set in a pattern of negativity - and just a warning, when you are around negative people too often, you can pick up those bad habits.

Anonymous · Answer

That's a tough one. Does she bring anything good or positive to your friendship? Will you feel a significant loss without her in your life? If not, then I'd cut ties. If so, then tell her it's clear she's unhappy and she should get a new job, if you haven't already. Other options are to establish boundaries such as the one mentioned above or distance yourself.

Anonymous · Answer

I have one of those!  I pray for her and speak only positive subjects to her.  I have even told her she needs to speak to a professional because she may be depressed or stuck in old habits.

Lady Pele · Answer

I like Jackie's idea of saying 'tell me about something good that happened today'.  Another option is to take a look at https://www.wikihow.com/Survive-a-Negative-Friend.  That may help.

Anonymous · Answer

I had a friend who was VERY much this person. I inadvertently pointed out that most of her conversation was negative/work related and she hadn't even realized. Sometimes people aren't aware of what's dominating their own conversation so give her the benefit of the doubt before cutting her out completely.

Anonymous · Answer

Just another perspective...I'll bet she's incredibly grateful to have a friend like you who will listen to her.  Many of us struggle with listening.  Maybe no one else will listen to her, and she simply doesn't feel heard by anyone.  Thank goodness for you.  Does she want you to solve her problems? Suggest options?  Or just hear her?  Have you said 'honey, this is obviously upsetting to you, you seem to mention it a lot, is there anything I can do for you?'  And if so, what does she say?  I know it's hard.  I've had these friends too.  And sometimes a break is needed.  But if she doesn't have you, who does she have?

Victoria Cianci · Answer

1. It is never easy to give up friendships when subconsciously we want to see the good.
2. I wouldn't complete cut out the person, just create a boundary of how you want this relationship to be.
3.  Be honest overall

Corina · Answer

I would counter that with pointing out the positives that you have just mentioned. If she still complains after 2-3 times you should just tell her what you told us here. You can't take her negativity any longer. I don't think it's a reason to just stop being friends. You first need to try to sort it out and then take a decision based on whether she listens or not. Good luck!

Mimi Bishop · Answer

You've gotten some fantastic feedback here!

I can see how being around this kind of energy is exhausting and you want to protect your own energy. So first, I want to point out good for you for taking care of you!

Another thing you may want to say is something like, I've been hearing you talk about this over and over for some time and as your friend I want to ask you what's your biggest challenge here and more importantly how can you move forward so it doesn't continue to pull you down?

In coaching this is called forwarding the action and getting buy in.

If she continues to wallow then you may want that boundary. It is needed!

Good luck here!

Crystal Rhineberger · Answer

I have one of these bffs as well. No matter what is going on shes on the sour lemon side never the lemonade. Its been this was for the 16yrs of friendship.
We have actually split a few times because I couldn’t handle it.
Currently sometimes I won’t take the venting calls, Sometimes i will hop off the call for whatever reason (usually the cat takes fall here lol)
Most of the time I try to send positive texts of thinking about you in this hard time-doing this has caused less weird complaining
Mayb your friend is unsatisfied somewhere else in life and work is the scapegoat?

Do you have a "broken record" friend?

You're invited.

See what women are sharing on Fairygodboss.