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Helping my Boyfriend Manage Life Changes
Hello ladies.
My boyfriend has just been promoted at his work and about 6 weeks ago I moved in. But it's been a bit rough ever since.
He doesn't clean, doesn't do laundry, doesn't really do much at all anymore honestly. He used to go out with his friends twice per week and now he just has sundays to do that. He just comes home and plays video games, which is a bit sad really. He doesn't do a lot of self care. when I brought up that he might be depressed, he shut it down immediately and didn't validate my feelings. I scolded him about it later and said that I am allowed to feel emotion and notice things and that because i am seeing something, he should be paying attention.
getting him to do anything around the house is a chore in and of itself and to be honest, i'm so busy cleaning up after both of us i cannot do any self care for myself. any tips?
LEANNE TOBIASInvestment real estate/sustainability
4.09k
11/06/19 at 4:10AM UTC
You and your boyfriend have had 2 big changes in a short time. You both need to give yourselves time to rebalance.
At the moment, I’d give your boyfriend some leeway, as he well may be under pressure due to his promotion, Is it likely that he will settle down as he becomes more used to the job?
Are you working, too? If so, it seems somewhat unfair for you to do all the household chores. If your boyfriend can’t/won’t pitch in, do the two of you have the resources to hire cleaning help? That would free up some of your time and ease the pressure.
What you might want to focus on is how to lighten pressure on you both, In addition to a cleaning service, can you schedule regular date nights or other activities that would be relaxing and fun for both of you? And if your boyfriend needs time to decompress by playing video games on some (not all) evenings, can you find some solo activities or things to do with friends?
What I’m suggesting is that both of you need to compromise. Your housework chores should be lightened, you would benefit from some fun together, plus your boyfriend deserves some video game time. How do you get to this balance?
User deleted comment on 11/04/19 at 4:40PM UTC
Kayla VavraConfidence & Mindset Coach
Self-Love Advocate
277
10/30/19 at 4:56PM UTC
Life sometimes rolls in seasons, and I'm not sure how long you two have been dating, so I don't know if you've seen another set of behaviors from your boyfriend (ie. clean habits), although you did mention that his social life has changed. It could be very possible that his behaviors are stemming from depression/exhaustion from overwhelming responsibilities at work.
Is helping him through a season of depression something that you're committed to? Is he the one that you're passionate about spending your life with?
There's truth in what Rose Holland commented: Your boyfriend needs to be willing to talk, shift, and make changes. If you're looking to help further that, try using some "I-statements" to open some doors in the conversation, like
> "I feel overwhelmed by doing all of the household tasks. How are you feeling?"
> "I feel like we're drifting apart, and I'd love for us to plan a few date nights."
> "The dishes and dusting are overwhelming me right now. What if we turn on some great music for half an hour, jam out and clean together?"
Using statements like these guides the conversation in a way that will help him not feel defensive about how he's been coping (ie. video games and shutting down).
Use the way that he responds to these suggestions and olive branches as a guide for what you're comfortable with going forward. If he shuts down about cleaning together, or is unwilling to communicate, is that a behavior you're willing to live with for two years? Five? 25? How will living with it make you feel after ten years?
Be willing to ask yourself the hard questions, and be willing to do what it takes to ensure that you're living a fulfilling life with someone who supports you and is willing to grow alongside you <3
Rose Holland
935
10/30/19 at 10:34AM UTC
You can’t help someone who refuses help. Continuing to reach out is great. Sadly this may be his norm and you have to decide if this is how you want to live.
Deanne Smith
16
10/30/19 at 4:32AM UTC
It doesn't sound like he's ready for the relationship to be where it's at. He's managing his life changes just fine, from where he's at. He's got someone to clean up the house for him.
He's an adult. If he's not interested in going past playing video games, then you really ought to check out now before it gets too unwieldy.
Because he doesn't have to listen to you. You're his girlfriend, not his mommy. And if he's not treating you like a girlfriend, then, you're not a girlfriend.
tl,dr: Bail out.
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