02/16/21 at 5:25PM UTC
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I am a Director reporting to the CEO.
We are a small office of 5 (CEO, 2 Directors, 2 hourly). For the second time in about 6 months - the CEO has called me aside and told me I was (1) speaking for the others and (2) that I was limiting their participation - the CEOs bigger concern. Both times I have asked for examples and they could provide none. All of us (with the exception of the CEO) are introverts and I do know that we all hesitate in expressing our true feelings to the CEO. Maybe I am trying to give them a little encouragement. I am at a complete loss without examples. As a problem solver I want to fix this and want to ask my coworkers but think that could make things worse if the CEO finds out. Nonetheless, my gut tells me it is something else and I should get out.
39 Comments
Anonymous
02/16/21 at 5:44PM UTC
I would stop commenting, offering advice etc. Learn more about active listening and how to stop responding to others. It feels very unnatural to me, however after going through an executive coaching program focused on this, I have realized that over the last 10-15 years we have changed as a culture to no longer rewarding outgoing or easily spoken people. This is especially true in for women in the business world. Think of the quiet and quaint victorian era women, we now want both genders to practice the "seen not heard" mentality. We are to wait patiently for someone to ask us a question. I was told it comes from Silicone Valley where many introverts have thrived and become CEOs. Their natural inclination is to shun face to face conversation, shun all conflict and to be only spoken to when they initiate. They also prefer to be the only ones in the room brainstorming or bringing forth new ideas.
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 2:50PM UTC
Wow. That doesn't sound like something I would want to be part of. I think companies thrive when they hear multiple viewpoints and ideas. If there is only one person that is allowed to express a viewpoint and no one else can speak unless specifically asked, I guess that sounds like a great way to go out of business to me. I'm a true introvert as well (that is what the person who posed the question said she was) and I have worked hard to be able to be confident enough to speak up. I don't think I'm willing to go revert to a "don't speak unless spoken to" mentality -that does sound like a Victorian idea of women in particular. If that is the future, I guess I will have to become CEO of my own company because I want nothing to do with a culture like that.
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 3:13PM UTC
This is good advice. Wait for others to speak. If no one speaks up, ask someone else what they think and encourage them to speak. After what may be an awkward silence, specifically ask, “This is tough. Sam, what do you think.” Really listen so that you (or hopefully someone else will speak up) can ask a follow up question. Then ask Suzy what she thinks. Keep going around the room if needed. Ideally, the CEO would have been doing this all along. But without examples, it’s impossible to know.
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jenjeneer
11
02/23/21 at 3:21PM UTC
I agree with Anonymous. Sometimes when we speak up too soon, we don't give the introverts who would speak slower a chance to speak. Asking them for their input rather than speaking on their behalf would be a good strategy.
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Jessie AdamczykGlobal Leader of Client Success | Twin Mama
41
02/16/21 at 6:16PM UTC
I would suggest to schedule one-on-one time with each co-worker to ask for professional feedback (about yourself). Ask open ended questions, for example:
• What projects/initiatives do you wish had gone better this year (or month)?
• What are you getting from me that you need? Or what are you „not“ getting from me that you need?
• What characteristic do you value the most in your coworkers?
• What coworker characteristic do you find most irritating?
• In what areas do you feel I could do a more effective job?
DO NOT mention the CEO or any other coworker because it could be perceived as gossip, just keep the convo about wanting to improve yourself. See what comes out! Just write responses down, then take time to reflect later.
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Anonymous
02/16/21 at 6:27PM UTC
While this is a great suggestion....a proactive 360 feedback...under the circumstances do you think she should run this by the CEO 1st....I feel like based on what has been described its more the CEO who is feeling this discomfort than maybe the coworkers.....
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Anonymous
02/16/21 at 9:48PM UTC
I do believe it is the CEO that is feeling more uncomfortable. The coworkers can be very expressive when CEO is not around - which can also feel uncomfortable like talking behind their back and maybe CEO senses that
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Anonymous
02/16/21 at 9:57PM UTC
I like this a lot, but do fear retaliation from CEO even if CEO is not mentioned. Maybe I can find a way to make this their idea
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 1:33PM UTC
I would also ask the CEO if he would be open to providing feedback before scheduling it and if he is open to it, then maybe sending him some questions ahead of time so that it's productive. I would not ask coworkers because it may be about the CEO and his perceptions.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 4:14PM UTC
That is a solid suggestion!!
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Alexis GladstoneLeadership, Sales and Change Expert
602
02/16/21 at 7:06PM UTC
I applaud you for listening without being defensive and wanting to address the situation. As you've pointed out, without clear examples it's hard to even start to adapt your behavior.
Maybe you can talk with the CEO, and if you haven't already, express your desire to address the behavior. Then ask them to please note specifics if it happens again so you can then start working on stopping whatever "it" is. There are definitely tactics that can be employed once you have the specifics.
With that said, maybe you can try and start self-monitoring a bit. Here are some things that MIGHT be leading to the comment and ideas to adapt.
- You say "we" a lot in order to be inclusive---If you find you're doing that, one way to change it would be "I think ____, what do the rest of you think?"
- You are normally the first one to speak up. Try waiting to see if others will speak. Since you said people are introverts this might not work.
If you find out more and can share, I'm sure there will be a lot of good ideas from the forum!
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Anonymous
02/16/21 at 9:55PM UTC
Thank you - I will try to do this more. I have been holding back not being the first to comment in both meetings and to emails addressed to the entire team asking for feedback. Team tends to like Slack and it can be very active but CEO is almost never included (they don't like text or slack). And yes in meetings - there is a good deal of silence (I doodle to prevent filling the silence)
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 2:54PM UTC
Maybe suggest to the CEO a "code word" or phrase when he/she sees you doing this so you get an idea of what it is that is being called out. Even a simple, "interesting" or something of that nature could be a cue to you but wouldn't be odd to others where you and the CEO might feel comfortable calling it out without being obvious.
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Jacquelyn LloydHR Consultant
532
02/17/21 at 11:36PM UTC
This is a very savvy tactic. I like it.
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Anonymous
02/16/21 at 8:02PM UTC
I work with some people who are shy about giving their opinions in group meetings. I try to pay attention to their facial expressions & if someone looks like they want to say something, but they don't say anything, then I say: "Anony, it looks like you want to say something. Go ahead if you want to... or feel free to talk to one of us one-to-one later if you don't want to say it in front of the group." I like to give my opinion, so it's hard to sit there & wait for shy people to pipe up. But sometimes you have to let it be awkward & not be the first one to say things.
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Barb HansenAsk me anything about Startups
3.32k
02/16/21 at 9:13PM UTC
Of course getting examples from the CEO would be great but until then I would take your CEOs comment on board and examine your role in meetings and on email chains.
If you think you are helping because everyone else in the company is an introvert perhaps that just your view of your actions. Perhaps you are the person who speaks for everyone not because they are introverts but because you are either the person who always talks.
Or you have become that person for the rest of the team. You may have been "pushed" into the role of the "voice of everyone" not because you wanted it but because others wanted you to be their voice, so stop being their voice. let them talk for themselves. If the staff is coming to you so you can be their voice, then listen to them and respond, "that's great idea, I look forward to you talking about it at the next meeting"
fyi - I have lead technical teams for years and there are many introverts in Dev teams but it's not my job to speak for them, it's my job to create an environment where they will safe to talk. I am not them, my words will never be as powerful or as impactful as their words and every voice is valuable to a company, a product and a team.
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Anonymous
02/16/21 at 10:08PM UTC
You are correct that in a couple cases they do look to me to be the voice and now thinking back that maybe what is hurting me know. We came together as a team a year ago and did personality test so we know each others types. It was suppose to help us communicate. They do have some really strong opinions but again they do fear the CEOs reaction
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Barb HansenAsk me anything about Startups
3.32k
02/17/21 at 4:36AM UTC
Then I say, let your co-workers find their own voices and if they can't, then that's a "them problem" not a "you problem" .
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Robin Hendricks, M.Ed., CECAmbition Enabler
247
02/17/21 at 10:51AM UTC
Hi friend! From the thread, it seems you are truly interested in working through this. Brava! There's some contradictory advice in the suggestions here, and I trust you'll sift through all that.
For my 2 coaching cents, I'm going to push back a bit and pose a couple of questions purely for your benefit.
1. Are you really "at a complete loss" without examples? That's usually not the case. In some of your other responses, you do hint at why you respond the way you do in meetings, so it sounds like you do know what the CEO is referring to. Could it be that you two just don't agree that you are stifilling contributions as he suggests? Your intention, as you describe, is to encourage participation. So perhaps it comes down to the difference between your motive (encouragement) and his perception. This can be discussed between the two of you and resolved.
2. The larger issue, I believe, is that your "gut tells [you] it is something else and [you] should get out." I'm a strong believer that your body is always right. I teach women how to better understand what it's saying. What do you think yours is telling you about WHY your boss wants you to pipe down in meetings? Why is your body--your natural defense mechanism--telling you to flee?
For what it's worth, I think you have what it takes to work through this. Revisit those DiSC profiles :)
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 3:28PM UTC
Thank you - just a note on my being at a loss - the first mention was prior to an annual review - in which I was told I was doing well, have been supportive and received a raise! Not sure what I did before or after that has brought on the most recent CEO comment. Everyone except the CEO are "C" s.
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Robin Hendricks, M.Ed., CECAmbition Enabler
247
02/17/21 at 6:34PM UTC
Great, so completely expected that the group is going to hang back until they have all the facts and feel comfortable before voicing their opinion. Assume that means you're a C as well, but are probably comfortable exercising your other traits as a well-rounded leader.
So one suggestion might be to broach this with your CEO. A team style refresh for all. This doesn't seem like a 'you' issue so much as a team dynamic issue that can be resolved. Five behaviors of a healthy team might be good, too.
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 12:37PM UTC
Make it a common practice to compliment others jobs in making deadlines or dealing with the odd request. Highlight everyone's effort. I know it sounds mundane but will nip this impression of your rolling over everyone.
Before each meeting find something to compliment someone on. It's a small group and obviously someone is not feeling appreciated by you. Write it down to remind yourself to work it into the meeting with the group. Publically singi the praises of a coworker. Also ask questions in your meetings. Contribute by asking for others to contribute. As in "I'm not sure but Jill always has great input on this." This way you're not monopolizing the conversation but are also not staying silent to avoid your CEOs focus.
Be positive and upbeat. Your CEO has either noticed or been told to notice your behavior. Give him proof of just the opposite.
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Melissa
21
02/17/21 at 1:49PM UTC
Since you all are a small team and it sounds like there are opportunities where the group meets together, I'd suggest that when you feel the need to jump in and comment that you instead gently turn to your direct reports or colleagues and say, "Susan, as someone who works with this client/has done this work previously/etc. I know we'd all value hearing about what your experience has been." If they are your direct reports, you have a responsibility coach them and help cultivate a situation where they can feel comfortable expressing their opinions.
You can't carry the weight for your colleagues all the time - they also have a responsibility to contribute and your boss has delivered feedback asking you to step back to let others come forward. Let them and take it one further by encouraging them to do so - your boss will take notice.
You've got this. :)
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Amy BucciferroConsulting is my profession, equality my passion
94
02/17/21 at 2:25PM UTC
Agreed. You can continue to speak up, but quickly pass the baton each time, and with specific prompts to help your more introverted colleagues get started on what they have to say. And check yourself on pacing. As soon as you have the urge to speak, pause a couple of seconds before starting to give others more chance to chime in first.
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SarahSchirduan"The king is but a man as I am." Shakespeare
13
02/17/21 at 1:54PM UTC
From my experience, I think the CEO might be telling you to "back off", for lack of better terms, because these people are adults. In a professional environment, it is important for people to learn to speak for themselves. I am an introvert myself, but if I let other people fight my battles for me, I will never learn to speak up when needed. What if there was a meeting scheduled on a day you are sick and it can't be postponed? Your team will need to speak up about any issues that they are facing without fear that you aren't there to speak for them. I know in your heart you know these people look to you for guidance, but sometimes the best guidance is to let go and have them grow individually.
You can't learn to ride a bike if you always rely on training wheels.
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 2:59PM UTC
Your last sentence says "your gut tells you it's something else".
Listen to your gut. While I agree with many of the replies, especially active listening, maybe it's a be seen not heard culture.
Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's the CEO. I have this same issue, and I have been told by other women to not be so vocal during meetings. I have done that, and am always on guard not to chime in too much. It's a discipline and against my nature, but it has made me better, if not for the position I was in, for the position to which I was promoted.
Try a different approach during your next meeting (without being as verbal) take notes on input from others. If there is no input, make a note of that also. If you're a fixer this may not be the place for you.
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 3:20PM UTC
Thank you I do feel like I am "biting my tongue" often since the first mention - so you might be right. I will be trying some of the suggestions so I am sure.
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 5:13PM UTC
Please remember your position to assist in the vision of the CEO and not to create your own.
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Andrea Tibbetts
73
02/17/21 at 3:11PM UTC
I am not sure if you are a Director or hourly, but I feel the CEO is looking for strengths to be pulled out of the other team members. That person may want to see if they are worthy of their position. The CEO may be testing them.
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Bosslady824658
14
02/17/21 at 3:19PM UTC
First of all I would say listen to your gut. Our intuition is a powerful force and often is guiding us in the best path. One other word of advice however while you are still there though is to look at what you have been doing and change. If twice there has been a comment in six months, change what you are doing. What you are trying to do possibly is just not effective with this group and so trying to approach it differently may get you those results you want without getting pulled aside.
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Mimi BishopBiz+Life Coach for GenX Women (and Millennials)
1.26k
02/17/21 at 3:38PM UTC
It sounds like you really want to make this better -- that really says a lot about who you are as a manager.
Without example, I understand why you would feel you're at a complete loss on how to move forward.
A few questions:
> I am not sure of the context of this feedback, what it kind of off the cuff or more like a directive where it is a formal area of focus for you?
> It sounds like you're concerned about speaking to your direct reports without the CEO being looped in. Is it possible to present this to your CEO that you want to improve the communication here at that you are going to talk to your direct reports and ask for feedback?
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CgEngineering manager
11
02/17/21 at 5:08PM UTC
There's a fairly easy fix to this situation: rotating speakers. You know roughly what meetings are being held and their content and context. Assign a rotating "speaker of the house" each meeting, where that person is the person who gets to speak for everyone. Have them take notes on slack discussions beforehand, collect opinions and have them be the director of the meeting for the period of the meeting.
Ive also found that when I'm getting feedback and the person who's giving it to me doesn't know the instances - it's often that the feedback is actually coming from someone else. It may be that someone else went to the ceo (sometimes this is innocuous, they were having a beer, it came up in a 1:1, etc, other times there is a back channel communication happening) and the ceo doesn't want to rat out who's complaining. I notice even in this forum a lot of very gendered expectations around conversation are being reinforced - but the data shows that when a woman speaks up 30% of the time the world acts like she has dominated the conversation. You may be falling prey to the "women are only successful when they present and act very feminine," crux. The solution isn't to speak up less y'all. The solution is to find smarter ways to speak up that are unimpeachable. It's ok to share the spotlight, but you also get to stand there too. You mention tech, so I am going to assume a very small initial stage startup? Maybe someone is feeling threatened by you?
For more on the psychological data: https://hbr.org/2013/04/for-women-leaders-likability-a
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Jackie RukaProfessionalHappyologist Thrive in your purpose.
1.25k
02/17/21 at 5:31PM UTC
Finding a solution shows integrity. Many have offered great ideas and solutions. So in this case the CEO maybe implying he wants to hear from everyone, when given the opportunity. When in doubt of a person’s words and actions, just step back and observe. You are best to not be reactive or jump in. Let others take the lead or show their leadership qualities. And don’t take it personally, even though it’s hard not to. Just be present, enjoy your work and watch others grow as you grow. The dynamics are set by the leader , the CEO. Let him come to you or ask for input when need be. If by chance, you have outgrown this role, then yes perhaps it’s time to move on.
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Carol Maxwell
11
02/17/21 at 7:31PM UTC
Since we're not in the room when this happens, we do have to speculate a bit. Even with good intentions, it is a good idea to listen. One thought I have is to think more about asking questions rather than speaking for the group (or appearing that way). It may be that someone has talked to the boss about this.
Anyway, asking clarifying questions (for example: what will the impact be of the a specific issue, or offering a comment but asking others to share their thoughts as well, could be a way to have your voice heard when you have an opinion, and potentially encouraging others in your team to also share their thoughts.
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 9:09PM UTC
While your intention is good, if you are "trying to give them a little encouragement" by being the first on to respond to a question, this may be what the CEO means. My two observations are:
1. Give your coworkers a chance to grow by letting them break the silence. In the long run, they are better served by taking care of themselves.
2. Allowing silence to continue is challenging. You can exercise your 'patient during silence' muscle and realize the power in doing so. Yes, how we handle silence can be powerful.
After practicing this, you may have your answer to what your CEO wants when he no longer pulls you aside or pulls you aside and asks you to help keep meeting dialogue going. You will remain true to yourself if he requests this. His management and communication abilities are sorely lacking; my sympathies.
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Alisa BlumEnhancing Individual & Organizational Success
67
02/17/21 at 9:35PM UTC
If you have casual conversations with your co-workers to get feedback for your own professional growth, you will better understand if this perspective is just coming from the CEO.
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Anonymous
02/17/21 at 10:31PM UTC
A couple of suggestions:
1. Perhaps you could take on the role of facilitator in these meetings, and it would be your role to elicit the opinions of others and make sure all voices have the opportunity to be heard. I would run this idea past the CEO so that s/he can see that you have taken the feedback to heart and are trying to come up with solutions.
2. I have found it helpful to send out questions in advance of a meeting. Some people need more time to think and prepare their responses. Asking employees to respond on the spot to a question asked by the CEO can be intimidating. Giving employees a chance to think about issues in advance can help them be more confident in their responses.
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Audra HendersonHealthcare Executive.
153
02/18/21 at 2:26AM UTC
I agree with so many of the responses, however I want you to always go with your gut. If you feel something there is some truth to what you feel. Before you do any 360 feedback or anything else I do think you should have a talk with the CEO and get clear feedback. Do not mention the other employees but make it about getting clear clarification about the 2 items that were mentioned about you. On another note I have seen how the person that speaks up the most does get a bad break even if its not there intention to always take the lead and ask questions. I would definitely get clarity from the CEO and also speak with your coworkers. You are in a small group so the team dynamic is important, however if everyone is doing their job successfully I think there needs to be clarity on what position each person plays on the team. The CEO may want or expect something from the other two employees that is not realistic. My bestfriend does a great job as a manager, she likes being a manager and does not want to move from a manager role. She does not speak up often and deals with issues and people with a one on one style. She would be uncomfortable speaking up in meetings but does give great one on one feedback. In your role as director I would think the other employees report to you and you report to the CEO. I think the CEO needs to know that you have a great working relationship with your employees and because they do not speak up does not mean there is an issue or you do not regard their position on things. This would be better coming from them but make sure they are comfortable and satisfied with their roles on the team. Good luck!
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Anonymous
02/18/21 at 3:12PM UTC
I would be proactive with your CEO and come back with an action plan for improving. Any feedback is a gift, embrace it. I would take the ideas that are positive above and integrate them into a simple skill development plan.
Active Listening-Listen to a book on the topic vs. read it.
Tell your CEO you plan to be a leader and do it in a positive way, like Susie you mentioned a great idea the other day about X, can you tell the group what you told me.
Who is a role model for leadership that you know and ask them how they approach this situation...for me, it is all about asking the questions vs. telling people the answer. So in your meetings, ask the questions of the group, get them to give the answer even though you might know the answer. Be the coach.
Life is Sweet
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