Coworker never invites me to lunch but always invites a work friend.

Anonymous

November 15,2022 at 7:59PM UTC

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Coworker never invites me to lunch but always invites a work friend. I am not friends with this coworker, but we have a cordial work relationship. Lately I noticed she is inviting my work friend to lunch a lot. I feel like she is starting to hijack some of my work buddies and I don’t appreciate it. While I am all for networking and going out, I am never invited and I am not inviting myself. I am one of those people who will not come if I am not invited.

Ugh, I am over the petty office politics and that’s why I liked working from home.

I have noticed lately my work buddy we will schedule lunch then she cancels at the last minute. She will offer a phone call which I gladly do, but something is not sitting right with that either.

I am putting my ducks in a row to leave this job, so I know it’s not going to be like that forever but it’s annoying to see and hear about. It’s not like I hang out with any of these people outside of work.

I think I am going to stop initiating lunches with my work buddy because lately she seems to have an excuse to cancel lunch with me at the last minute, but always has time to go to lunch with my coworker. My gut is telling me something is off, so I am going to follow this one. Going to dial it back and let her initiate and see what happens.

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AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 8:35PM UTC
Except with the rarest of exceptions, coworkers are not your friends. It’s easy to get caught up in cliques and the politics of them, but it will bury you if emotionally if you allow it. I understand that there are certain people who are just my people and we’ll be friends no matter what. And others are more compartmentalized. Like you hang out at work and that’s it. Ask yourself why you’re so concerned about work friends, at a place you plan on leaving anyway?
AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 8:38PM UTC
Yeah that’s a great point. I am stuck here until Spring/early summer until I get my certification plus I need to have surgery. This company is big on work relationships and I don’t want to be marked down for not being a team player, but screw it. I am planning to leave anyway. Thanks for your feedback!
AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 9:05PM UTC
Hurt feelings are normal and to be expected.
AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 9:19PM UTC
Please choose to extricate yourself from this drama. You complain about petty office politics, but it seems like you're the one stoking this fire! No coworker is on deck to fulfill your social needs, especially in the office. You're there to work, to produce some sort of good or service ...for which you get paid.
Please give some serious thought to the importance you're putting on this work friendship. Frankly, neither of these people owe you anything. I get that your office is big on relationships but they also expect a level of professionalism and maturity which seems to be lacking here.
Your threats to leave this job over workplace relationships not going your way is, frankly, shocking and unhealthy.
AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 11:26PM UTC
I appreciate your judgy comments.
AnonymousNovember 16,2022 at 2:01PM UTC
I’ve always appreciated the constructive nature of feedback on FGB. If you’re only looking for coddling and a bunch of people to help you perpetuate this unnecessary workplace social drama, you might want to indicate that in your post: constructive feedback Not welcome.
Looking for a changeNovember 16,2022 at 8:38PM UTC
I didn’t see the OP state they were leaving because of the work relationship-but even if they were it would hardly be shocking or unhealthy seems like this person is purposely being left out and not everyone wants to stay in that environment
AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 11:02PM UTC
This!!
AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 11:26PM UTC
Another judgy comment.
AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 11:29PM UTC
I see some judgmental comments on here and that’s not very nice. Hopefully none of you are treated like the OP is at work. If you don’t agree, fine but don’t be rude about it. If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. Keep it moving.
Paulla Fetzek, MSEdNovember 16,2022 at 2:20PM UTC
I'm sorry you're frustrated. However, I'm also concerned about some of the things you've said.
You talk about a "work buddy" but then state "It's not like I hang out with any of these people outside of work". The first makes you appear approachable. The second doesn't.
You have absolutely no obligation to be friends with your coworkers. The same is true for them. Perhaps your work buddy and this other coworker are developing a friendship outside of work. Since you've stated you don't care to have friendships outside of work, your work buddy might now be gravitating towards the other coworker. If you've not talked to either of them - perhaps they've found a common bond.
In this instance, since you state you're planning to leave, I think it's best you just let things go. From what you describe, I don't see an instance of "petty office politics". I see you feeling unhappy because a work relationship seems to be changing. That isn't politics, that's being human.
You have every right to that too.
I wish you all the best!
AnonymousNovember 16,2022 at 7:54PM UTC
I’m the odd man out in my office. Never invited for anything. It does suck but honestly I’m happy alone.
AnonymousNovember 16,2022 at 8:24PM UTC
Good idea to step back. Not everyone connects as friends.
AnonymousNovember 16,2022 at 8:40PM UTC
I think you are right to step back I wouldn’t initiate anything or do a phone call. Be civil and either find another coworker or eat on your own. I unfortunately had something similar happen to be and I tried to initiate for far too long.
Audrey KirschNovember 16,2022 at 10:04PM UTC
Why don't you try inviting this co-worker to lunch? They may find something intimidating about you that keeps you from getting invited. You need to make the first move to see what's going on.
AnonymousNovember 17,2022 at 1:53PM UTC
I have found a lot of peace in not assuming the worst of people without evidence.
Looking for a changeNovember 18,2022 at 1:44AM UTC
I’m still working on that! Any tips?
AnonymousNovember 24,2022 at 1:43PM UTC
Assuming neutral intent comesfrom Understanding that everyone is walking around with baggage. When people speak, they are speaking from their own psychology that often has very little to do with you other than you offered the situation. Easy to say, hard to practice, I know. Read the book “games people play.” It’s a whole construct for human behavior that shows us people don’t intend to hurt, it’s their psychology at play. It’s a leadership staple that has sold more than 5 million copies world wide.
AnonymousNovember 17,2022 at 2:05PM UTC
This reminds me of anxiety. Constant analysis of people (esp self), future predicting, assuming the worst case scenario, assuming nefarious intent, catastrophizing. I recently discovered that I have been suffering for a long time. When I look at your post I see my earlier self in it. Thanks to therapy I am able to see the mechanism at play.
AnonymousNovember 17,2022 at 2:20PM UTC
First part of my comment was sarcasm but I guess '/s' doesn't show up.
AnonymousNovember 17,2022 at 3:34PM UTC
Find a new work lunch buddy! Problem solved :) Great way to get to know your other teams in other departments. Also another great way of learning what other departments are working on plus it’s networking. You never know what new friendships and working relationships you will create! Time to move on to better work lunch outings :)
AnonymousNovember 17,2022 at 3:50PM UTC
Petty office politics or you just not having a work buddy for lunch anymore? For future reference, to protect yourself and your feelings, make it a business only situation with coworkers. Leave the FOMO at the door and just go there, do your job (and do it well) and leave.
Shelly EdwardsNovember 17,2022 at 3:51PM UTC
Why don't you now invite your work buddy to lunch, but do invite the one who never invites you to lunch? It would be a good chance to get to know each other outside of the office for a bit and then maybe the three of you can find that you have more in common. Or send both a message to have lunch together. I would extend the invitation one time. If they cancel or reject, find a different work buddy that appreciates you more and leave the petty stuff to the petty people.
AnonymousNovember 17,2022 at 5:20PM UTC
So…..you’re mad that your coworkers are friends?
Honestly, that’s what it sounds like, and, frankly, your lunch buddy probably knows it - and doesn’t want to deal with you sulking over not being invited.
Also, If your coworker is offering phone calls instead of in person lunches, it sounds like she’s doing a lot of lunches at her desk, and is doing the work that doesn’t require loads of concentration while on the phone, so she can still “hang out.” Being mad at her isn’t going to change her work load.
AnonymousNovember 17,2022 at 9:43PM UTC
It is never fun to feel left out. We all want to belong and feel included, so I can understand your emotions. And we can't help but feel how we feel. I think we have all felt left out at some point in life. However, not everyone is going to be your friend and not every company is going to be the right fit. I hope you find the right fit for you.