This is long and really just a vent, scroll by if you hate whining ;).

I'm posting this anonymously because I just don't know where I'm going to run into someone. I have been working for the same organization for almost 20 years. This is my third department. My first placement was difficult - working for difficult people, but I endured it for the benefits. I had the opportunity to make a lateral move when I was there 10 years and took it, and for about five years, I was incredibly happy. Still annoying people to work for (very male-heavy management), but I had a comfort level that allowed me to feel okay going to work. Was offered another position, in a different area of the organization, with a significant raise and bump in "level." So I took it. I am not good at confronting authority - particularly male authority. This was a new position learning new tasks and coming from another side of the organization, my coworkers were not fond of me. I had better and more advantages than they did (the unit I went to was actually absorbed BY the main organization, so I was kind of an infiltrator). Having been trained within the organization on a somewhat "equal" plane as management, we did not use titles, "Dr.," "Mr./Mrs.," etc. when interacting with each other (although when discussing people outside the organization, we always used their proper titles). My new unit is very different. They are deferential to males (referring to them by title), no matter how long they've been there. They are a group of female admins that come from "Mad Men" office environments, which is what this place was like before we "took them over." Not being trained like that, and hey - I have letters after my name too, and probably have worked harder than many of these men that were clearly put through school by their parents. Either way, I am respectful, kind, and no one says anything - but it's been told to me that I don't get along there because I don't "suck up" to the ladies enough. I should say that my position straddles two departments, one in another building, and they are far more contemporary and appropriate in the way we interact. I wasn't there long before I realized I wasn't happy. Along with being considered a snob for thinking I was "equal" to the men, the men I report to (2 of the 3) are cold and curt. I started in June of 2019, and I was poorly trained on many new systems. My first six months was spent sending emails asking "can someone please tell me if I'm supposed to do something, what it is, and how to do it - or direct me to the correct person to ask" and apologizing for not doing something I was never told to do in the first place. Then we went home - and we've been home since March. This has separated me physically from these men, and my job has gotten more difficult in trying to get answers from them in how to do things. Even things I KNOW how to do, because they are procedures from the parent organization, take months because these men don't read emails, jump back with responses, and make snide comments. Of the three men I "report" to, I have never gotten one piece of positive fedback from two of them. At least one of them has made me cry more than once - via email. I am held responsible for not doing things I don't have the authority to do, despite asking for guidance. Yet every little slip up is criticized. For example, I took a day off and forgot to note it on the calendar. I also forgot an out of office message. They emailed me 2-3 times that day looking for me, and I never checked. The next day, I woke up to a VERY stern email letting me know "this can't happen again." Note that NO ONE tried to call me, no one emailed my PERSONAL email, no one wondered "did her internet go out? is she not getting our emails? Is she alive? Did her house burn down?" Nothing - just the assumption that I had blown them off and a reprimand for it. In my old position, I'd have shot back with "thanks for asking if I'm okay" or something familiar like that, letting them know that while I got their message, they could be nicer about it. And it would have been fine. Likewise, I could always email my boss with "I sent this to you earlier," and not worry that he thought I was being insubordinate. I realized this week that THAT is what it is. I don't hate my job. I don't even hate these people. I'm truly uncomfortable in this position. I don't feel comfortable with my coworkers, with my bosses, and going out for 11 months is not helping. I wake up depressed, I can't focus on work, and to be honest, the thought of going back (possibly in January) is terrifying. I am looking for another job in the organization (I can't leave - I'm close to retirement, and if I stay, I can retire with full health benefits), but obviously, right now, the economy stinks. So I just pray and vent. That's really all I'm doing - venting - thanks for listening.