A life erased

Question

What do you do with photo albums filled to the brink with a prior life.....every trip, family event, memory connected to someone you wish could be forgotten.....20 years of memorialized history...how do you move on?   How do you salvage pictures, our human historical record of a life lived.....feels like a life erased.   Thoughts?

Paulla Fetzek · Answer

Hi Gibboma.  First of all, I am sincerely sorry for whatever happened.   To share, both of my parents had passed by the time I was 18.  And my only sibling (brother) passed in 2009.  Incidentally, I'm 52.

I have only one picture of my parents.  Just one.   For the most part, I'm ok with this.  They've been gone so long I can't recall their faces or voices anymore.

I have a few pictures of my brother though I don't have any videos of him.  I've also kept the last cell phone he owned - because it contains recordings of things he said.   He was not only my sibling; but also my best friend.  I still miss him terribly.

I miss my parents the most when  I need someone to turn to for advice.  Such was a situation I was facing in 2001.  At that time, I lamented to God how I wished I could just see my parents.  As I said this, I remember looking down at my hands.  At the same time I felt God speak and He said, 'They're right here.'

At that moment, I realized I have the most incredible - and tangible - memento of my family ever...

Me.

sharriharmel · Answer

It is darn painful, and I know.  I filed for  divorce after 21 years of marriage shortly after I found my son who I gave up for adoption when I was a teenager. My parents couldn't accept either decision and they as well as my siblings, disowned me. That was 2011. It does get better and though it is still painful at times, I try to remember the good and accept the ending. I created a coaching business to women design their own life reimagined, whether from something you are dealing with or just a desire to do and have something more. You'll find your way but never, ever forget that little girl inside you that dreams of wonder and feels fabulous.

Rose Jakubaszek · Answer

Thank you for your questions, Gibboma, and ladies thank you, for all your heartfelt responses.  You’ve given me some more ideas to think about for what to do with all my pictures of people who were a part of my life, but may not be now.  Regardless of whether I view the people and experiences in my old photos as being “good” or “bad” in my life, my main problem is that I have no one to leave my photos to, so what do I do?
Here are some ideas I’ve come up with recently.  At a lunch with some of my professional lady friends, one of the most accomplished ladies said that she was just going to have all her old photos thrown in her coffin with her and buried, when she dies.  I also read about a  woman who sold her photos at a tag sale to some artist type who was going to work them into an art piece; so I guess the memories get a new life as something else, but they’re still alive in a way.  Finally, I recently moved into a house with a big yard and a fire pit, and my boyfriend and I have been contemplating burning our photos and sending the ashes away with our gratitude for whatever the photos meant to us, or a “good riddance, see ya”, kind of send-off.  May whatever works for you, gives you peace, and helps you move on…

Michelle Cranston · Answer

Keep what makes you happy.

DeeDeeDeeDee · Answer

Keep the photos. I lost my husband, brother, mom, stepdad, cousin, 2 aunts, 2 uncles and 3 friends in the past 5 years. On top of that, my remaining relatives have forgotten that my 2 sons and I exist. I had to give up my home and my job ended after 18 1/2 years with an email. I injured my leg and I was in a horrible car accident which has lead to a brain tumor.
My sons and I have only memories to sometimes move us forward. Our photos make us laugh, smile, cry, sob; taking us to  time and places we had forgotten . I have thrown away some but do not want to throw away the past. It is what has contributed to who we are. 
We may be homeless soon. I will rent a small storage space for whatever I can fit in, hoping for a new beginning. A new job would be one great gift and put us back on our feet. Until then, we take photos of our journey and continue to live through the photos and memories of our past.

Janice Ferguson · Answer

I went through the same thing over 20 years ago.  I hid the photos so I wouldn't have to look at them.  5 years later, I hid them again.  10 years later, I looked at them and decided they weren't worth keep and I tossed them all.  I have my memories, just not the photos.

Reaching Goals · Answer

I'm going through this right now.   My mom died in January and I'm going through boxes of random pictures.   I sat down over a few days and pulled out all the pictures of their vacations that didn't have them in it and just tossed them.  Pretty pictures but meant nothing to me.   Then I divided pictures into piles of mom, dad, grand parents, aunts uncles, and their grand kids.   THEN, I got 8 photo albums, one for me, my sister and our 6 kids.   I just started dividing the pictures, everyone got at least 2 pictures of each grand parent and great grandparent (appropriately labeled on back) and then cousins got pictures of each other and themselves when they were little, etc.    My sister and I got more of the historical pictures and our kids can fight over them when we die.    Christmas presents are almost done.

Breanna Fountain · Answer

Perhaps it is painful now and raw, whatever you are going through, but I think every photo of a vacation or a memory was a glimpse in time. If there are triggering thoughts when looking at photos, put them away for a time as others have said and keep busy, make new memories etc. Although I may not like some of the people that have come into my life, I reflect on how they helped me in some way shape or form. This helps me think of the person or experience in a growth mindset and reflect on how I am made better because of everything and everyone that has happened in life. There are many stages of grief so be kind to yourself and don't do anything that you might regret later.

Jan Nelmes · Answer

When my husband of 34 years died unexpectedly, I knew I had to go on as a single, no longer part of 'us.' It actually helped me to reduce visual reminders, so I gave his wardrobe to a charity, did minor redecorating to claim certain parts of the house as mine, and put away photos. I still look at some of those photos occasionally, but taking away some of the reminders helped me heal.

Anonymous · Answer

one photo was easy:  the awful person just ripped off her side of the table, and now I have this excellent photo of the fine person!  And  boxes & boxes of photos . . . our was a semi-civil breakup, altho initiated by Himself, and after a year, I'm more sanguine about the pix; it was good to come across a couple of his son to put in a bag for Himself when the son died recently, too, just anyway.  I guess now I realize there are very few photos of me with Himself it turns out to be a good thing!  Maybe people should be taught to take photos of situations without 'significant others' as well as with, so if the bubble bursts, the life isn't erased . . .  should be taught life exists in and of itself, apart from as well as with a significant other.

A life erased

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