I don’t know what to do.

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Anonymous

01/15/21 at 6:36PM UTC

I don’t know what to do.

I just became friends again with my only sibling ( my sister). We have come together to take care of our uncle. I have chase a relationship with her most of our lives. She doesn’t contact me; I always call and check on her. She told me funny story about her husband being noisy while she sleeps and she got aggravated at him and tuned the TVup loud when he went to sleep. I told my uncle she was mad and funny about turning the TV sound up. She is saying now I have betrayed her trust and won’t speak to me. it was nothing. So, once again I am hurt amd feel guilty and it was nothing. I hate feeling rejected one again. thoughts please.

9 Comments

Anonymous

01/15/21 at 6:50PM UTC

There are people who are inherently angry and always looking for ways yo justify their anger. Anything they can twist into a reason to play the victim is what they live for. Feel sorry for her. She's miserable and wants to spread that misery around to EVERYONE. please know that you are not they only person she does this to. She desperately needs to be the victim. So she spews this vitriol at anyone she can. She is so desperately unhappy that she can't see that her anger and unhappiness leaves her isolated and lonely. You keep reaching out with happiness and good will. She most likely will never return it or be able to see her situation as self perpetuated. But she will take comfort in her victimized mindset and her loneliness. It's sad but these types of people seldom experience joy or happiness and spend their lives building walls to keep people at arms length . She plays the victim to have a reason to explain this sad behavior.

Anonymous

01/15/21 at 6:55PM UTC

The book the 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz may be a very helpful study for you. It may help you break the cycle.

Anonymous

01/15/21 at 7:04PM UTC

Thank you for responding. She treats her friends completely different. I have always chased a relationship with her. I truly believe she would be find not talking to me, it’s me wanting a healthy friendship with her.

2 Replies

Anonymous

01/15/21 at 8:25PM UTC

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle with your sister. The sad truth is there are just some people that are incapable of having a healthy relationship-and that includes family members and loved ones. I learned that I can still be kind, still be civil, still be friendly even to these types of people, but I must do it with no expectation from them. I treat people the way I would want to be treated-whether or not it's reciprocated. Best of luck to you!

Anonymous

01/15/21 at 10:19PM UTC

A healthy relationship is not possible so I'm wondering why you keep chasing the unhealthy one you two have? And if you actually think she enjoys wonderful relationships with her friends I think you should reconsider that. Sorry it's not possible for her. .

User edited comment on 01/15/21 at 10:21PM UTC

Lori Schmitz

100

Girl Friday and much more in SFO Area

01/15/21 at 8:26PM UTC

I am so sorry to hear that your relationship with your sister always feels like a one-way street. Have you asked yourself why you want the relationship; outside of the fact she's your sister? Not to sound callous; but is she someone you would choose as a friend if you weren't related? I would apologize for any slight she might have felt with your retelling the story to your Uncle and let it be. You have value and if there is one thing I have learned after chasing relationships with people who didn't return the effort left me aching and questioning my value. Try loving her from afar; where her actions don't impact you and be ready to welcome the relationship if/ when she decides she's ready to supply the same passion and effort in maintaining it. Much Love xxxxx

Anonymous

01/16/21 at 12:28AM UTC

I have a similar relationship with my sister. It's as though I disgust her. Truth is she seems caring of her friends, but she generally lacks outward empathy (and has shared with others her disappointment with herself). I have a sense that if I didn't seek her validation, she'd respect me more. Ironic that. Soooo, for me there is to hold her accountable for **her** poor behavior, even if just in my own mind and to manage her with calm confidence. It's ok for an incident to be "something" for her and knowing it's not that "something" for you.

Anonymous

01/16/21 at 12:43AM UTC

I’m sorry that your relationship with your sister has been difficult. FWIW, siblings sometimes drive each other crazy— not surprising, because we know exactly which buttons to push. What I’d suggest is that you concentrate on friends and family members who appreciate your company. With your sister, do your best to keep your relationship light, while being a little more distant. As a general rule, let her know that you love her and will be there for her if she needs you, but spend more time going your own way and maintaining healthy barriers. As for the latest contretemps, a good response is “Sorry you feel that way. No harm was intended. Let me know when you are ready to discuss uncle’s care.”

Kori N

Hospice and healthcare Heroine

01/16/21 at 3:21PM UTC

That stinks. You know your heart and it wasn’t meant in a malicious way. Stop chasing her. I know it’s hard, you love her and you want to see that reciprocated- at the very least this is what you’ve done most of your life and it’s a habit. But try to stop - for your own sake. Someday she may realize what she lost in a relationship with you. And she may not. Either way is ok. And either way is normal. Keep being polite for your uncles sake. She may be grieving his decline, or her own unhappiness. Either way it has nothing to do with you. My sister who was my best friend for 45 years, lied to police and had me tossed in jail after I cared for our mom through her death. Jealously is an ugly thing. But you are above it. I’m glad she treats her friends better... she will need them. You sound like a beautiful caring person and I am certain there are many others who appreciate you who you don’t have to chase for approval. Be strong. Being a caregiver is tough work. You don’t need the extra nonsense. And if someday you really want to get her goat.. let her know you forgave her a long time ago for her mistreatment. And mean it. It will do your heart good and you are all the better person!

User edited comment on 01/16/21 at 3:23PM UTC