Depressed and Trying to Get Motivated for the Job Hunt
I was fired from my last job about two weeks before lockdown. It was an interesting coincidence, but not a direct result of the pandemic. I was fired because I had spoken up about some unethical things I had seen and heard, and then eventually my boss started nitpicking everything that I did in ways she never had before, and there was no way to do anything right. I was at this job for almost a year, and I thought that I was doing well for most of it, and then when I called out something kind of big, that's when things started to go down hill.
Anyway, when this first happened, I had every confidence that I had been doing the right things, that I was a great employee. I had asked for a lot of help in leadership, in managing people, but I never got it. I still tried my best, though. And then when everyone started getting laid off, I started a facebook support group for job hunters. I didn't realize how long and how big and how ominous this pandemic was going to be. The conversations in the group were really active for a little bit, but then they died off. So now I find myself making posts without a lot of interaction.
And I've become depressed to the point where even considering adding stuff to my resume makes me want to hurl. I come on here and try to network and I immediately feel sad and hopeless. A friend of mine mentioned that my last workplace was abusive, and of course I'm not excited to put myself out there to potentially get abused again. I've also experienced several lay offs and crappy jobs before this, too. Maybe I'm just bad at jobs. But do I want to be an entrepreneur? I don't know.
I'm also a musician/singer/songwriter and dancer. My dance troupe has organized virtual shows every week during quarantine, and in addition to performing myself, I have brought in several other musicians and performers. But I find that now I am even losing my motivation for that. Even sending a DM to gage someone's interest in performing seems impossible. To be fair, we're in the middle of a heatwave where I live and I don't have AC. That's probably got a lot to do with my lack of motivation.
Plus the heaviness of uprooting racist systems, and seeing how the pandemic has highlighted the flaws in our capitalist economy. It makes me not want to participate. I know that for right now, this is the system we're in, and I need to play along within my abilities and values to the best extent possible. I know I need to do this. But how do I get myself started? How do I get myself past the hurdle of wanting to vomit when I go to work on my resume? And how can I be a leader for my job hunting support group when I can't even figure this out for myself?