I was in a really toxic, romantic relationship (toxicity on both sides) for over two years with someone who I considered my best friend. We maintained our friendship for about a year and a half before that fell apart. It's been well over a year since I last saw them, and even longer since our friendship ended, and I'm still hurting constantly. I miss them so much, despite the fact that every time I look back to what we had, I saw more and more of the things they did to hurt me (consistent gaslighting, manipulation, constantly making me feel inadequate, being, taking part in other toxic behaviors in the friend group (talking behind my back, insulting me, ranting about me, you know, that stuff) and blaming me for every single problem we had, both as friends and romantic partners), but that doesn't stop me from missing them. I know I wasn't great, considering I was scared of them leaving me at all times, basically severe abandonment issues (not an excuse, just an explanation), but I'm still questioning what stuff I actually did to them and what was them just manipulating me (calmly explaining my thought process was constantly perceived as guilt-tripping, I don't know completely if that's accurate or not). I'm really getting off track here. To cut the fat, basically, they were my best friend who I was still in love with, and they were also the reason why I was in that friend group, to begin with, and now it's been well over a year since I had any real-life friends, I'm still hurting, and everything reminds me of them. I went a while without them really being on my mind, but recently they've been in my dreams and it's just been hard to escape that.