Does anyone here have any advice on recovering from a toxic friendship/relationship?
I was in a really toxic, romantic relationship (toxicity on both sides) for over two years with someone who I considered my best friend. We maintained our friendship for about a year and a half before that fell apart. It's been well over a year since I last saw them, and even longer since our friendship ended, and I'm still hurting constantly. I miss them so much, despite the fact that every time I look back to what we had, I saw more and more of the things they did to hurt me (consistent gaslighting, manipulation, constantly making me feel inadequate, being, taking part in other toxic behaviors in the friend group (talking behind my back, insulting me, ranting about me, you know, that stuff) and blaming me for every single problem we had, both as friends and romantic partners), but that doesn't stop me from missing them. I know I wasn't great, considering I was scared of them leaving me at all times, basically severe abandonment issues (not an excuse, just an explanation), but I'm still questioning what stuff I actually did to them and what was them just manipulating me (calmly explaining my thought process was constantly perceived as guilt-tripping, I don't know completely if that's accurate or not). I'm really getting off track here. To cut the fat, basically, they were my best friend who I was still in love with, and they were also the reason why I was in that friend group, to begin with, and now it's been well over a year since I had any real-life friends, I'm still hurting, and everything reminds me of them. I went a while without them really being on my mind, but recently they've been in my dreams and it's just been hard to escape that.
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65 Comments
65 Comments
Chanel
49
Customer Experience Leader
02/21/21 at 11:11PM UTC
I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
It sounds like you are not only grieving the loss of your relationship but the friendships with your former partner and the group of friends they introduced you to. My best advice to you is to speak with a professional about handling your loss and overcoming what sounds like a co-dependent relationship. Also, make an effort to find friends that are independent of the old circle which includes your ex. You need to find your own space without any influence from your ex.
I hope this helps you start the healing process and best wishes to you.
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Keisha Jones
127
02/21/21 at 11:41PM UTC
Hi Anon,
I too am sorry you have had to go through this experience. At the same time, I'm glad you had time to reflect on how this person really feels about you. This person sounds like a sociopath. I know the pain hurts but you have to look out for yourself first and foremost. If you are struggling to deal with the pain, I encourage you to call your Employee Assistance Program and ask about free counselors that can help you during your time of need. I have been in this situation and I know it hurts ALOT. But, if you take the time to meet other people and focus on other things, this person will become very distant in your mind. I wish you peace.
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Melyssa
46
Nonprofit admin based in NYC
02/21/21 at 11:59PM UTC
I have been in your shoes--and I can promise you it gets better. After four years of toxicity, my ex/best friend went our seperate ways and it was one of the hardest things I've been through. As Chanel and Keisha mentioned, speaking to a professional is VERY beneficial. But also remember to be kind to yourself through the healing process. The road ahead isn't linear--and that's okay (especially in a pandemic). I ultimately expanded my circle by volunteering a lot, chatting with peers that had the same interests as me via Meetup and Reddit, and finding similar grounding methods that reminded me who I truly am. It's not easy but it is possible. I wish you the very best.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 2:33PM UTC
I too have been through this a few times in my choices of relationships. Through therapy I came to understand that I was selecting people that would only perpetuate my own dysfunction because it was comfortable and I knew how to maneuver it. It took me awhile to not miss these relationships but I'm much happier and positive with life overall. As Melyssa says, you will have to get out of your comfort zone and try new things, but people are amazingly open and welcoming if you put that out there. I was very entrenched - so if I can do it, you can too.
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Anonymous
02/22/21 at 12:42AM UTC
It does get better, but one thing you can do that will put you back on track sooner and healthier than ever is therapy. A good therapist can help breakdown your patterns and shed some light on other ways of thinking about things. It's amazing what we can't see on our own.
The pain you still feel is because it's unresolved. It has not been sorted.. You can't see what you can't see. It's that your stuck in a cycle of thoughts and feelings.
With a little help you can have that cathartic break through. What's even better you can build a healthier outlook based on understanding that will help you not repeat your patterns.
I went through 2 years of therapy that included one on one sessions with a therapist and group sessions with the same therapist. The first year was so amazing and traumatic in unpacking my emotional state and the second year I was able to put together a plan for my dream life. I built a healthier support system and clear accountability for every I filled my life with. From getting debt free, building a plan for my career as well as how I spent my social life. I never would have dreamed 5 years later I would have that life which includes a beautiful converted barn as my dream home, a chocolate lab, a thriving career and an engagement ring from a wonderful man who is healthy and honest and engaging.
I didn't want to spend years dragging all the pain and baggage along with me. I desperately wanted to see clearly and embrace a real life that included all my dreams. Therapy and hard work was how that happened for me.
User edited comment on 02/22/21 at 12:48AM UTC
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4 Replies
Anonymous
02/23/21 at 1:28PM UTC
Unfortunately therapy isn't affordable for everyone.
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Kristen Clancy
36
02/23/21 at 2:23PM UTC
There are many support groups that are available...and free. With everything online these days, people can get help at their fingertips and at various times of the day.
For women especially, it is important to have healthy friendships with other healthy women. Hard but not impossible to do during these times.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 2:38PM UTC
Not arguing about the therapeutic benefits of therapy just suggesting that it's often not affordable for many.
Not all women are comfortable in support groups.
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Christina Mojica
16
02/23/21 at 4:32PM UTC
If anyone is looking for an affordable therapist, there is a site called inclusivetherapists.com. I am a recent law school grad without a job and was able to find a therapist that was willing to create an affordable payment plan for me.
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Lorrie
78
02/23/21 at 1:29PM UTC
I love this reply above. Get to know you. What makes you happy, what you need, what makes you tick, how you react to circumstances today and if any of those reactions are unhealthy - how to identify and change. I think if you really get comfortable with you and who you are and what you need then, like anonymous above, you will find all of these great things happen that you need. It seems like you know you need to move on but are just having trouble getting there. I agree that talking to a counselor will be a great first step.
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Charlene Lakata
14
02/23/21 at 2:26PM UTC
I love this comment! I too have had therapy and you will not believe how life changing it is! I thought therapy was only for serious trauma but I was so wrong. I recommend every one should have therapy it is amazing.
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Anonymous
02/24/21 at 1:01AM UTC
We all have trauma in our lives and one persons' serious trauma may be easy for someone else to handle.
I think its tramatic not to be able to trust men or women you thought were close friends. As a suvivor of alot of trauma, I can say they feed into one another. So toxic relationships of any kind are traumatic and are full of codependency , passive aggressive behaviors and other issues that the writer mentioned.
There are support groups for everything, including codependency. That's a good place to start to heal.
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Tara C.
265
Career Coach/Advocate
02/23/21 at 4:57PM UTC
I agree with this - and with the COVID pandemic, a lot of insurance companies (if you have insurance) are covering co-pays for therapy right now. There are also free crisis hotlines and talk groups, because I do think it would help to have someone available to check in with regularly to express your thoughts, focus on the challenges of the relationship, and try to process your pain.
I've had a number of experiences like this, and trauma is a real issue that needs regular support/guidance.
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Kelly
19
Experienced Professional
02/22/21 at 1:11AM UTC
I have recently gone through a similar situation and the one thing I have learned is that it's not you it's them. They may have unhealed trauma that they don't want to deal with or don't know how. The best thing is for you to face your own feelings & heal you first. Then it will get easier to handle. I hope this helps.
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Shirley Pearson-Jackson
17
I have three jobs. Cancer survivor.
02/22/21 at 3:33AM UTC
Don’t let it define you...you live for the future and learn from the past.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 1:26PM UTC
Had what I thought was a friend until she met someone else...as the fates had it down the road I got a job at her workplace and became her assistant. Totally not my doing or planning but this is a small town. Was a teaching assistant. Years prior volunteered in her class. I lasted 2 years with her gaslighting along with her new friend.
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Heather Macone
298
02/23/21 at 1:33PM UTC
You are definitley NOT alone in this. It is great that folks here are so open to sharing their experience. My advice would be to take a moment to realize that your life will be long, and these people will come and go. A friend is someone you can learn from, who makes you a better person (through your own inward reflection or outwardly) and makes you, your surroundings and existence better. If this person was a true friend, consider this a learning experience in the long timeline that is life, and be grateful for that learning experience. This may make it easier to move on. But, above all else, move on.
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Kimberly McCoid
598
IT Engineering Manager, DoD
02/23/21 at 1:33PM UTC
If you can, I recommend some therapy to delve into the reasons you stayed in a toxic relationship as well as what you can do to heal yourself and move forward. In the mean time, try to find activities you can do alone as well as perhaps some (appropriately socially distant) activities you can join with people - perhaps initiate a zoom happy hour for work buddies, or a book club, or zoom art exhibit - whatever interests you that could bring a group together. Staying busy not only helps with the heartache, but you could meet new people and potentially have new friends to do things with.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 1:42PM UTC
The amount of tears shed by all the people responding who experienced the same thing can probably fill a huge lake and then some. I'm still recovering from an ex "friend" like that. I haven't talked to them in two years, and my heart still aches everytime I hear about them. The lack of resolution sucks big time. Therapy helps if you can afford it. What helped me make the initial break is to write a very long letter to them and never sending it. It was cathartic for the initial phase of breaking. The rest of the time, is getting easier to have perspective. And, if anyone asked me before, what happened, I would get into all sorts of woe is me unloading. Now, if anyone asks, I'd probably say..... yeah, not sure yet. But I'd probably not cry when I thought about it.
In the meantime, I quit using social media, unpolluted them, even changed careers so I don't have to deal with them anymore. I'm much happier by the lack of drama.
Hope this helps! I often come across articles about surviving toxic friendships. I'll post them when I see them.
Please keep reaching out. You are most definitely not alone.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 2:43PM UTC
Funny thing is upon first meeting this person...I had gotten really bad vibes off her. I should've paid attention but when she pursued me, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
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Joycelyn M. Siame
156
Experienced Admin.
02/23/21 at 1:48PM UTC
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I had to end a toxic friendship too not too long ago, and though it pained me, I had to do it for my sanity. Every time you feel sadness and anxiety behind it, remind yourself it ended for your betterment, remind yourself that you chose YOU because you are the most important to yourself... no one can take care of you the way you can. Remind yourself that when things get better, you will be able to find other friends and a relationship, just as you did with this one. Remind yourself that this is still a possibility. And lastly... most importantly to me, speak to a therapist. I feel many people ignore this and think they can go at it alone, but the same way as you would get sick and go to a doctor, you are feeling emotionally and mentally unwell, so do not feel ashamed or discouraged from seeking help from a mental care doctor or therapist. If for some reason you do not want to do this, there is something called 7 Cups (https://www.7cups.com), where you can reach out to trained listeners that are willing to be a listening ear. The bottom line is talk to someone... you deserve to be happy.
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Charlene Lakata
14
02/23/21 at 2:30PM UTC
Excellent advice Joycelyn!
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Joycelyn M. Siame
156
Experienced Admin.
02/23/21 at 7:01PM UTC
Thanks Charlene! Experience has proven to be the best teacher...
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Deborah
33
Director of Association Services in Minneapolis
02/23/21 at 1:52PM UTC
I went through something similar years ago. I agree with many above, you need therapy and time. Talking to someone is so important and not family or other well meaning friends, someone who can get you to see all aspects of what was going on. I like that you are taking ownership of your part in this because that is the first step to never being in a relationship like that again. It sounds like you need to start loving yourself and find ways to do that, get off social media and get out there and live your best life. As an older friend used to tell me, you being happy and living your best life is the best revenge! Take care of you and the rest will follow. Best of luck on your path to healing and wholeness.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 2:02PM UTC
Definitely been there. Try a coach if you can afford one. They are there to help you move forward. Another suggestion is to do a pro and cons list. Write done the good of the relationship and the bad. Sometimes seeing it on paper helps to realize why you left and should not go back. Place it somewhere we’re you can view it and like others have said, it does get better
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David Harchenko
127
02/23/21 at 2:14PM UTC
Read up on Narcissism. If the person is a Narcissist, then the entire relationship was "one - sided", being you were the one that was committed. Also helps to focus forward. Develop new relationships with people that trust you and care about you as a person. Good Luck.
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Crystal Rhineberger
2.09k
professional rofl nevermind lets just wing it
02/23/21 at 2:30PM UTC
This creates a void and a mourning period. Try journaling the pros and cons of this person. It will help you narrow down what you can tolerate and how much you have given but not gotten back.
I assure you it happens to even the most prepared of us. Be honest with yourself as well... such as was it really my interest or did I just have fun along the way. Neither is the wrong answer it helps you discover more of who you are.
I am sorry for this loss it does leave a big hole
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 2:35PM UTC
Many of us have walked in your shoes, and while there is some comfort in others having been there, it is still your pain and it is very personal. Something that helped me tremendously was Co-Dependence Anonymous (coda.org). They are free groups which helped me better understand myself and why I allowed myself to stay in that relationship.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 2:38PM UTC
I have gone through ending a toxic relationship last year. Not exactly same scenario - my ex friend lives far away and it wasn’t romantic. But I have been mourning the loss of the friendship ever since- even though I know it was best for both of us. I also want to mention that I’ve noticed covid and isolation has made many people behave in unusual/uncharacteristic ways..
While someone above commented “it’s them, not you”, the only thing we have control over is our own behavior. So- ask yourself- why did you put up with this kind of treatment for so long? (Just prompting you to do some introspection so you can avoid similar people/situations in future).
I wish you a lot of luck and blessings- it WILL get better.
User edited comment on 02/23/21 at 2:39PM UTC
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Krista
89
02/23/21 at 2:38PM UTC
This is a tough situation, sorry you're having to go through it. Sometimes people don't really belong in our lives and this sounds like that case. I went through a similar situation in college where someone I had a very deep (but looking back probably codependent) relationship with ended our friendship with me because he started dating our other friend. Even though we were not 'together' it was just friendship things got really weird because their relationship was super codependent and I was left alone in the wind. If you don't have a more positive friendship/ relationship to fill the void I think it will be difficult to move on. There are groups such as meetup.com for people with similar interests to get together where you might be able to find new friends, though I'm sure this is more difficult in current situation. Try reconnecting with other positive relationships you might have and focus on things that make your life better.
Best wishes for you! We definitely need positive relationships in our lives!
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Milissa Jacobs
30
Mother Business Owner Landlord, who needs sleep?
02/23/21 at 2:39PM UTC
I am sorry that you are in pain. You're going through all of the stages of grief and it isn't easy. Last year I ended a relationship that had become toxic also, I simply sent my friend a note wishing her well and then removed all contact. It was hard, probably the hardest choice I have even made-given that we had been best friends since I was 17 and she was my Matron of Honor and the Godmother to my youngest son, but after I ended it, I felt such a sense of relief. Do I miss her? All of the time, but I know that if I were to attempt to restart our friendship, it would all become the same problems in a short time.
Focus on yourself. Try yoga, meditation, or if you're practicing a Faith, go back to your church. There you will find other people and things that will occupy your mind and your time. Eventually you will realize that years have passed and the person hasn't even crossed your mind. Good luck in your struggle, I have faith in you.
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Temima G Shulman
13
02/23/21 at 2:59PM UTC
I’m sorry for your pain. I’ve been there too. The grieving does pass. It’s the rage and psychic hold that you want to release yourself from. Therapy can help with seeing your own patterns and sources of trauma. The support groups that are free can be a safe and healthy space too. There is also Melanie Tonia Evans program for recovering from narcissistic abuse. It’s a one time fee that’s affordable and worthwhile. You are courageous for being open. You are on your way.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 3:05PM UTC
I'm really sorry to hear you went through that and that it's still hurting your heart. That sounds so hard.
I also went through something very similar a few years ago. This is what worked for me--I'd been in therapy for years but kept finding myself in the same kind of bad relationship. I was pairing up with gaslighters, with toxic abusers who I was afraid to leave no matter how much intellectual knowledge I carried about it. For me what ended up breaking the spell was tackling some of the self worth stuff that got me in that kind of relationship in the first place and kept me there. I had to pinpoint what was problematic in my attraction for the person and what was devastating to me in the relationship (I did not feel wanted or attractive or acknowledged or seen in the end, along with all the self doubt that my partner's lying/ cheating/ gaslighting created in me). When I left the relationship, I also left the city I'd lived in for nine years. The breakup also happened to coincide with a very scary health diagnosis (an oncoming disability) so I was flung headlong into grief for a couple of years (and a real sense of being unmoored from my usual ways of defining myself, which had been along the lines of: "I live in Y, I date X, I am healthy/ not disabled" etc) and had to really assess what I really wanted to do in my life. If you can embrace the grief and feel the feelings (while dropping the narrative/ story line around the feelings), that really helps.
The other thing I did (and I'll preface this by acknowledging that we are really limited right now in what we can do because of Covid, but I think the main tenets still hold) was I traveled, all over the world, by myself, for two years, working remotely. I had casual romantic encounters with whomever I wanted to (taking every safety precaution I could think of)--in my case, it was a string of younger guys who boosted my confidence (and who I met beforehand and who I could tell would defer to me, which helped me feel physically safer). And while I still thought of my ex more than I ever wanted to, and my heart hurt so much about what had happened (and what I'd put up with), I still had so much fun (and real, meaningful intimacy, just not in a way I'd imagined it previously) and rich experiences learning how to relate to the world in a new way and shaping a new belief system that was more supportive (which included spirituality in a way that I hadn't embraced before).
The point of it (which can still apply in Covid times) is I learned to trust myself (which I'd forgotten how to do with all the gaslighting), and I did what I wanted (which was a big change) without shaming myself around it. I boosted my self esteem by showing myself what I could do on my own. I got to know myself better. I contradicted the narrative that I was un-wantable by showing myself that people desired me. By keeping things casual with romantic encounters, I was teaching myself how to say goodbye, in case I needed to learn how to do that in my next relationship if things got bad (a skill I'd previously sorely lacked). By telling the men I met about my disability (which I'd feared would make me seem unappealing), I was deciding not to hide that part of myself and I was learning to see a "flaw" as a real gift (I wouldn't take away my disability now even if I could--it gave me so much and taught me so much and it's part of me, and I learned to love myself). And along the way, without even really realizing it, I was teaching myself to listen to myself, to my feelings, to my alarm bells, and how to keep myself as safe as possible while also taking calculated risks. All of these things are important in romantic relationship, no matter the setting.
Obviously, this was pre-Covid, but I think the advice can still apply. Are there some things you can do that you've always wanted to do (but never allowed yourself)? What were some of the wounds your last relationship caused in you? What could you do to boost your self worth that would also address some of those specific wounds? How can you teach yourself that you can feel good in your own company so that you know, should you ever get into another relationship like the last one, that you could leave that relationship and that you'll be okay and safe and happy by yourself (which should help you be able to leave should the situation call for it).
There's also something called EMDR, which helps heal trauma stored in the body/ wordless parts of the brain, that I think could also be helpful. I've noticed that lots of therapists are trained to do it now (including sliding scale therapists if finances are an issue). Oh, and if possible (like, if you don't share children or a business), having absolutely no contact with the person who hurt you can really help, if you haven't done so already.
I came back to the US when Covid hit in case my parents needed anything, and I ended up starting a relationship with someone, and it is completely different than the ones I had been in before. This person is kind, caring, a good listener, doesn't negate my feelings, warrants trust, and is oh-so-attractive (and makes me feel attractive too!), etc. I still get scared, but I also know myself better now, and I trust myself to get out of a bad relationship in a way I never did before. It took some time (2.5 years) but in the end, even with the scary health diagnosis and all the grief, I had the time of my life in those two and half years, along with getting to know myself and my limits better and setting myself up for more success in future relationships.
Which is to say--you never know what pain can bring. It can look horrible on the surface but if you head into the pain, into the grief, with bravery, you never know what gifts might be hidden under the surface. See where it takes you. You're clearly very strong to get out of such a toxic relationship--healing is a long road but it does happen. I have total faith in your ability to heal and grow from this experience.
User edited comment on 02/23/21 at 3:55PM UTC
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Ruth Ford
159
HR guru/EEO Specialist
02/23/21 at 3:24PM UTC
Great response! As we get older, I think we learn a lot about what we want (and what is acceptable behavior in a relationship, friendship, whatever) and what we DON'T want...or as I like to call it, the non-negotiables. Getting to know yourself and making choices that make you happy and work for YOU can be a process...but it's so worth it.
User edited comment on 03/02/21 at 9:19PM UTC
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lguill
11
02/23/21 at 3:21PM UTC
Been there, done that. Sounds exactly the same. It took me over 10 years to break away. I have the same issues, abandonment, co-dependency. It's so hard. Hang in there. As stated above reach out to friends, therapist or use your counseling services if you have them through work. It's a tough situation to be in. It's very hard to get out of, but you can. It's not all your fault. It's not you. Remember that.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 3:33PM UTC
Hi, I am sorry you had to go through this, but for your own sanity and to defend your self worth, I would suggest that you try your hardest best to distance yourself from the friendship and toxicity. It is never worth it. Try doing new things and making new friends, and doing things you love to keep you nourished. To get a handle on what happened, a therapist would be great . If you dont have that option, try journaling about it, what it made you feel, what you think about it, where you think you were wrong, where you think they were wrong- basically write what you feel about the situation. I highly recommend journaling for personal well being. If you love reading, 2 good books to understand this would be Conquering Shame and Co-dependency By Darlene Lancer- and How to be assertive by Darlene Lancer. It will be a starter to make some sense of things. Also a course I highly recommend is a 7 day healing Course by Artie Wu with a one month Live advising by him. It is the best £75 I have ever spent my money on. To sum up, the best way forward is to heal yourself and give yourself love, empathy and compassion. The one thing I learned over the years is that - If you do not value yourself, your time and your effort, no-one else will. Let me repeat that for you. If you do not value yourself, your time and your effort,no one else will. I hope you find yourself out of this.
Edit- Taking care of yourself is an ongoing skill that you will develop and none of these strategies are quick fixes. But it will be the most important thing you are doing for yourself.
User edited comment on 03/06/21 at 4:18PM UTC
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MJ
45
Accounting Consultant
02/23/21 at 3:55PM UTC
So sorry for what you endured.
Best to move on and never look back. What do you like to do or think you might like to try? Could be a sport, community theatre, volunteering for a cause you care about, arts and crafts, traveling group....the busier you are the more people you will meet. Good friends and potential mates don't come when you are looking, they come when you least expect it through common interests.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 3:56PM UTC
And this question has exactly what relevance to a job forum? Next thing you know there'll be questions posted about the best way to clean your shower stall. What's wrong with the Fairy Godboss moderators? Who selected this question to be published? Where's accountability for the moderators?
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 6:07PM UTC
Mental health affects a person’s ability to work well & find a good job that matches their strengths and interests. It’s all related. I don’t see the issue with this being posted if you look at it holistically.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 4:12PM UTC
Hi there,
I am sorry for the lost of this relationship and friend group. Overall it sounds like it was a toxic and negative relationship and it is best to remove these types of relationships from our lives. I am also trying to follow this advice - whether it be personally or professionally. I agree with some advice above about seeking therapy - I think these days there are a lot of therapy options available online. I would also work on making new friend groups and also confiding in family as well. I think sometimes there is pressure to think that we need all of these big friend groups (I have felt the same) but even just a few close people you can confide in is enough - these are where the high quality relationships lie
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Annie Lim
235
Writer/Editor in NYC area
02/23/21 at 4:13PM UTC
On top of what others are already recommending, I would add that you could work on shifting your perspective to yourself. It's time to get to know yourself again. I'd recommend that you befriend/date yourself because a lot of your identity had been previously dictated by others in your toxic relationships. It's important you take care of yourself again and rebuild your sense of self. For example, go to a restaurant and order something you know you like and something new you want to try. Experiment with your style and how you dress. Take yourself on a trip somewhere, even if it's just a new park for the day. Journal, meditate, listen to podcast episodes about others who have been in your shoes, and come to love yourself again. Others may have made you believe you aren't worthy of love, success, etc. but they're wrong. These are likely stories they believe for themselves and have nothing to do with you. To get rid of those negative voices, you need to strengthen your positive one! Best of luck.
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Candace Camarillo
19
02/23/21 at 4:13PM UTC
Give yourself time. And grace. Keep talking about it and you will heal!!!
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 4:30PM UTC
I was a bit confused with the question asked since this is a work/career advice column. I didn't think FB was a love advice column. But, I'll put my two cents in...
First of all, you will leave relationships whether they are friendships, lovers etc. during your life. If the relationship is toxic it definitely isn't good for your health and a person needs to leave it. I look back at old friendships whether they were friends or lovers, and reminisce, but then I remember the toxicity that came from it. I think to myself did they change?
What are the chances of them changing? I know I want better out of my relationships and I'm changing for the better. I know I cannot go backwards, I only will move forward. The past does makes you who you are today, stronger, wiser, and you can become more independent. This will make you able to rely on yourself. You can become your own best friend.
If this is really bothering you which it seems like it is, please seek professional help. Believe me it will be the best thing you can ever do. You'll thank me one day.
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Rebecca Gale-Gonzalez
25
Going places
02/23/21 at 7:48PM UTC
When folks are upset in their personal life it reflects their work life. We've seen some real disasters in this country. If it doesn't interest you, you don't need to comment. But I appreciate that you came looking for work advice and skills, one the lessons from this particular situation is that people can't be separated from their feelings and as a leader you will often be faced with employees struggling in their personal lives. Many employers offer EAP or Employee Assistant Plans and they include free personal counseling and referrals as well as self help webinars and other social group activities.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 4:30PM UTC
Agree about therapy. While some therapy costs can be out-of-pocket, you'd be surprised that some insurance companies allow partial reimbursement for this. Even going 1-2 xs a month would be helpful.
Also, some companies offer anonymous therapeutic services. If you're in a company that has a Human Resource portal for benefits and paychecks, review it to see if it has a section on this. You might be able to get the help you need for free anonymously.
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Janine
11
Benefits Director in New Jersey
02/23/21 at 4:31PM UTC
I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I believe I've been around many narcissists so I understand what you are going through. Someone above mentioned Melonie Tonia Evans. She does have a program and a million youtube videos which I find helpful. She explains how to move forward with your pain in the youtube videos. Also, she explains why people are attracted to narcissists and how to spot them. Also, I have heard many good things about the book, "Prepare to be Tortured" by AV Jamieson. I bought it on Amazon for about $20 and it's about dating a narcissist. Good luck! I'll remember you in my prayers.
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Lisa Bender
11
Service and Detail Master , Relations Builder
02/23/21 at 4:34PM UTC
Yes absolutely... I been recovering myself from a very ridiculously crazy toxic abusive relationship... I have found my Passion again even when we were together I painted... made jewelry but now I am into graphic design and I pour every minute I can into that and building websites I absolutely am so glad that I fell back in love with software that was my love years ago...and it's so therapeutic... oddly interestingly enough as well...worked with a career counselor years ago and she said I should be doing art therapy... well this is my art therapy find something therapeutic that you love dance to music sing create a playlist that you love with music... listen to great motivational talks on YouTube...I listen to Bible verses that play all night long...or a gong bath if you know what that is check it out on YouTube in the evening when I sleep that helps as well... Stay strong and courageous find your Passion and poor your love into it
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 5:18PM UTC
I was in a toxic friendship for 8 years and didn't realize all of that time how toxic it was. It was a slow tangling of emotion and rationalization that really twisted my normally rational mind. After a last straw moment I saw the truth of the friendship. I wrote down everything I could remember about our friendship. It took a long time but helped me to untangle the mess my brain had become. Then I wanted to avoid this happening in the future and started reading about and listening to podcasts about personality disorders and empaths and whatever else I came across to help understand what had happened to me. 3 years later I find I sometimes miss my friend there were good things in with the bad and I pray for them and visualize putting them in a warm comfy basket and giving them to the healing hands of God. I hope you heal and good loving people come into your life.
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 5:22PM UTC
I have experienced this myself with my friend of 30+ years. She was always talking about others and telling me how I should live my life. Talked about my children and when I told her something that had happened to one of her daughters ( daughter confided in my child who told me because he was worried) she refused to believe me and called me names. She was constantly telling me to quit jobs because there was difficult situations because at the time for almost 3 years I had been secretly sending/lending her money behind my now EX husbands back. She couldn't keep a job for more than 6 months or would find a way to get unemployment. Which was a whole other issue, she would talk about my husband at the time to me even when I was trying to make it work but yet she stated she hated her ex husband and would continue to see/sleep with him. But I couldn't say anything about him or anything in her life. It was me that had life wrong......
I haven't spoke to her in almost 6 months and I am now divorced. I started a new job that I love. And now I see that not only was I in a bad place in my life with my marriage but also with my long time friendship. I don't miss her negativity. I felt manipulated by both relationships. I have done therapy in the past, her idea and then she was totally negative on everything the therapist said.........go figure. It was hard to just cut the cord, I kept telling myself that this person has been in my life for so long and they really care for me. And then I told her I couldn't loan her any money and I called upset with my now EX and was crying. And she stated that I just liked to fight with him, so I hung up on her. And I have never looked back. I am in a women's devotional group that meets every morning before work. Yes, sometimes we are in our PJs or getting ready for work but it is awesome. Just do you, it took me a long time to figure that out and also to be brave enough to just do that. Good luck and remember you are not the only one with these feelings. Hugs for support!
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Amanda Johnson
11
02/23/21 at 6:13PM UTC
I'm so sorry about all that you are going through. Moving on after a long-term toxic relationship of any kind is difficult. On top of that, it sounds like you also lost much of your social support network in the form of the friend group your ex/friend at a time that is already lonely in general because of the COVID pandemic.
I personally had a hard enough time recovering from a couple of very toxic relationships with some coworkers, so I would imagine it is very tough when the toxicity comes from a romantic partner or a friend.
Here are some of the tips I have to add (in addition to the great advice you have already been given):
1. Forgive yourself. Even though it is important to reflect on our past choices so that we can learn from them, reflecting on a relationship with a toxic person can keep us second guessing ourselves as if we were still in the relationship with them. So what if there was something you could have done better? The toxic person is still going to be toxic, and their choices/behavior are ultimately on them.
2. Forgive your ex/friend. Not because they deserve it, but because it helps you. When one refuses to forgive, they mentally hold the transgressor to a debt that will probably never be repaid and in doing so, tie themselves (unintentionally in most cases) to the very person that they need out of their lives. The toxic person may "owe" you, but it is often better to take the freedom that comes from letting go of what is owed instead of holding on to what may never be repaid.
3. Spend time internalizing your better traits and your accomplishments. Every human has weaknesses, but being in a long-term relationship with a toxic person can leave one in a state where all the see are their weaknesses and failings. Try to give yourself a more balanced view by reflecting on your strengths and accomplishments. When someone gives you a complement, write it down. When you acheive even a small goal, celebrate it. It builds your confidence, gives you a more accurate view of yourself, AND is something you deserve.
4. Accept the journey. Recovery is going to take time and an investment on your part. You'll need to make space in your calendar for the recovery process, even if it means saying "no" to commitments that used to be easy for you. You may have to set new boundaries to perseve your personal resources for whatever you find you value the most and can most effectively contribute to, even though it will probably mean saying "no" to other things that you also value. It will not be easy; you will have both good days and bad ones. But you can take hope that, in the end, you will have a deeper understanding of humanity and a structure that can help you acheive your unique potential (which is something that I think few people can say).
Best wishes for your journey!
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Rebecca Gale-Gonzalez
25
Going places
02/23/21 at 7:33PM UTC
So if you are looking for approval to get back into an abusive relationship you won't find it from me. I would suggest that you first fall in love with you and who you are. Understand first what your true needs, desires and life goals are. You have much work to do before you consider another relationship and you already recognize what was going wrong and your reaction to it. How your mind thinks you deserve to be treated is what you will accept. I think you have to let go of the past and realize healthy relationships can easily form when you are well emotionally. You can hold onto the good but disgard the rest...baggage in a knew relationship will start the process all over again. I once herd it takes at least one year for every five years you were in a relationship, to recover from that relationship. Look at some healing methods, positive affirmations, prayer, online social groups, and start to develop a resume of self help...maybe even to the point of helping others. Sometimes the simple act of helping others and seeing your ability to make positive change and actually hearing positive things from those you help can help you rebuild self esteem. One thing if for sure...in our society we focus too much on ourselves, we are somewhat selfish in our desires for worldly goods, the attention of others, praise, recognition and we loose the sense of pleasure of helping others. Also, nothing is more restorative than nature. Plan trips to beaches for long walks, join hiking groups for walks in the woods or other nature trails, visit local hot spots, learn a new skill. Dine alfresco in your own back yard. Make a list of something new to do each day of the year and fulfill them all. Read books that inspire, read others stories of triumph, realize that all that you need is already within you, and that nobody on this earth is responsible for your happiness but you. Life is gift, fill the box with people who love and honor you, things that serve you and beauty that restores you. I hope this helps. Please feel free to reach out directly. You could have a friend in me...but I'll let you know when you cross the line. Friendship isn't a season, it isn't a reason, its a relationship. Demonstrated by respect, honesty, support, caring, acceptance, kindness, helpfulness a.k.a Civility and it builds lasting love.
User edited comment on 02/23/21 at 7:38PM UTC
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 7:39PM UTC
Sorry you are going through this and therapy will definitely be helpful to help recognize problems on both sides. It may be our own past issues that we carry into new relationships that it surfaces. It would be good talk it all out with a neutral party
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Anonymous
02/23/21 at 8:12PM UTC
Your story is super relatable. I escaped a toxic marriage a little over two years ago, and with it went much of my friendship circle. To be honest, I'm still reeling.
Mindfulness has been a godsend for me. It probably helps that I score high in neuroticism in the five factor model because I have no trouble dissociating enough to imagine a little disinterested observer in my brain looking at my thoughts. "Really? So you're a hopeless loser who will never make friends on her own. Okay, that's interesting. Only what about before you met your ex? You knew people then..."
It doesn't always work, but I try to bring that internal lady on stage anytime I start to feel the panic response rising. You know, the one that makes my heart palpitate and my body get all weak and schweaddy (ew).
My anxiety sometimes leads me to embarrassing decisions and behaviors I regret. However, my anxiety gives me two speeds: full steam ahead or full-stop. Instead of acting impulsively, I now try to either make myself stop and either take a nap or go for a run or hike first, depending on where my internal fuel tank sits.
I'm far from perfect, and I'm probably the last person who should be giving advice. However, these little tricks have helped me tremendously when the temptation to send that lonely text message strikes. It does get easier with time, but my lord, is it difficult when you are going through it. I'm still not out of the woods, so when I encourage you to be kind and patient with yourself, I'm really reminding myself of the same thing.
Take care and learn to explore and love the glorious you. Bask in all those things you can now do without any fear of reprisal. I'll tell you what — it may not seem like a lot to some, but being able to hang fairy lights on my canopy bed without my ex complaining brought a smile to my face. I hope you can find little things like that — things that celebrate your unique spirit and let you express your beautiful soul. New relationships will come with time, and when they do, you'll know what you will and will not compromise to keep them. Stay strong! <3
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Deb Wiley
140
Educating children with cognitive disabilities
02/23/21 at 9:45PM UTC
I'm so very sorry for your pain. I stayed in a toxic marriage for years because I knew I would lose everyone in my circle when I left him. I started developing friendships with women who were strong and secure. I found them at the library, at church, at my children's schools. I specifically looked for strong women who were capable and competent. Then I made an exit plan and executed it. You have to cut the ties entirely, or they come back to haunt you. Today, I am the strong women I needed so many years ago.
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Carli Garcia
200
Professional Dot Connector
02/23/21 at 10PM UTC
Sorry to hear you are struggling with this. Having dodged a proud, perpetual gaslighter, I can imagine what you've been through. That being said, it seems like you have a good grasp on recognizing the toxicity of all parties and how your own trauma (abandonment issues) informed the relationship.
I strongly recommend listening to the Hey Girl podcast by Alex Elle. She is a writer that focus on writing to heal as a result of her own relationship with her mother. One of the biggest takeaways I've learned from her show is that emotions are cyclic - not linear.
When traumatic events occur, the emotional wake ripples out over time. We therefore experience compound trauma because society moves at a clip that far exceeds the time it takes to unmoor one's self from the quicksand of loss.
One of Alex's guest's put it rather profoundly - we don't "get over it", we "move through it."
With that in mind, we can make space for all of the emotions without judgement (of ourselves). We can hold people (and the self) accountable, set boundaries, love them, dislike their actions, learn, forgive, and be open to possibility simultaneously.
Wishing you all the best on your healing journey. May you recognize and find what you need in friendships and romantic partners.
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Cathy Azzarello
24
02/23/21 at 11:07PM UTC
Just remember all the crap that happened and look towards the future without all that negativity. Look up meet up groups for new friends who have your interests.
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Susan C
15
Sales, Marketing & Training Specialist
02/23/21 at 11:21PM UTC
Hi, I'm pretty sure what you're missing is a relationship, not the person you were with. It wasn't ideal for you. Focus on finding what you want and a person who is willing to respect and admire you. Therapy is good but expensive. I recommend a good self help book. I've used both and while the human connection is valuable, I find books more insightful. Good luck, you're important and the only one who can ensure your own happiness. Cheers to a new path to a healthy relationship!
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Vidya Raja
39
Chemical Engineer in Canada, Dancer
02/24/21 at 1:49AM UTC
So sorry to hear of your painful experience. My advice would be to slowly forget your past and try to move on. This will be difficult at first. Try meditation, yoga, and anything else that you can do whenever you're reminded of your past experiences. Meditation is a strong tool and please try to make it a daily part of your life, especially before bed time. Think about stuff that makes you apply, stuff you're thankful for, or if you're religious just focus on the Supreme power that is always protecting you. You will slowly but surely become a new and successful person with gray vigor and a new zest for life. Wishing you all the best!
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Saji John
12
STAY TRENDY FORGET THE REST
02/24/21 at 3:46AM UTC
Its really easy for anyone to advice from outside...try that ...do this..forget it ..and stuff....Only you know the real pain inside you.
I have been in a similar situation a few years back.
What I would like to tell you are a few things you really need to do. Its difficult to get started but there is no other way out. These are the best advices you can get ...read on..
1. You should realize & be Glad nothing even more toxic happened to you & you are safe now.
2. You always had a big dream, NOW get your focus on it.
3. Slowly & Gradually get away from the toxic circle, before even getting more hurt.
4. Coating as Vidya Raja said, you will always be protected by your creator. JUST Blindly Believe in it & You are good to Go...!
User edited comment on 02/24/21 at 3:49AM UTC
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Ayianna
41
02/24/21 at 3:47AM UTC
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Toxic relationships CANNOT exist if you do not tolerate them in the first place. Take some time to critically analyze where your boundaries were violated, how they were violated, how you presented the boundaries in the first place, and what you did to convey the violation. Ask yourself what you would have told a friend in that exact same situation. Really listen to what you would say to someone else you care about.
Extended toxic relationships are more about you and your relationship to yourself, your sense of self-worth, your boundaries or lack thereof, and the clarity of vision you have regarding what kinds of relationships you want to participate in during life - or lack thereof - than they ever are about the other person.
Spend some real me-time and get to know yourself a little better. Take a vacation by yourself if you're able and get away from the distractions in life that keep you from really thinking about who you are, who you've been, and who you want to be.
Best wishes and all the love from a former toxic relationship excuse-giver.
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Sharon Miller
11
02/25/21 at 2:39AM UTC
Great pain has the potential for great awareness and growth.
I agree with the advice above. Understand why you did what you did.
I divorced my extreme narcissistic husband 11 years ago. It took me therapy and support groups (Alanon is free and the 12 steps can help). Finally I understood how I married my mother to heal my childhood. Once I became aware, it was easier not just to walk away but also to forgive my ex and my mother.
Remember just because you become aware does not mean you will not make the same or similar mistakes. Just means it becomes a choice.
Good Luck!!!
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BethB
55
02/26/21 at 9:52PM UTC
I went through this recently, minus the romantic part. It sounds like they are the same person! Unfortunately her husband and mine are best friends and we have many friends in common. I still don't know how I'm going to handle it when we end up in a group situation. I do know that my life is far more peaceful without walking on eggshells and wondering what in the world I've done now. Look to what you've gained, like your self respect rather than what you lost.
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V. Nunez
49
Service Analyst
02/27/21 at 12:31PM UTC
Take comfort you are no longer in that situation. Work on you and Let Go and Let God.
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