I'm really sorry to hear you went through that and that it's still hurting your heart. That sounds so hard. I also went through something very similar a few years ago. This is what worked for me--I'd been in therapy for years but kept finding myself in the same kind of bad relationship. I was pairing up with gaslighters, with toxic abusers who I was afraid to leave no matter how much intellectual knowledge I carried about it. For me what ended up breaking the spell was tackling some of the self worth stuff that got me in that kind of relationship in the first place and kept me there. I had to pinpoint what was problematic in my attraction for the person and what was devastating to me in the relationship (I did not feel wanted or attractive or acknowledged or seen in the end, along with all the self doubt that my partner's lying/ cheating/ gaslighting created in me). When I left the relationship, I also left the city I'd lived in for nine years. The breakup also happened to coincide with a very scary health diagnosis (an oncoming disability) so I was flung headlong into grief for a couple of years (and a real sense of being unmoored from my usual ways of defining myself, which had been along the lines of: "I live in Y, I date X, I am healthy/ not disabled" etc) and had to really assess what I really wanted to do in my life. If you can embrace the grief and feel the feelings (while dropping the narrative/ story line around the feelings), that really helps. The other thing I did (and I'll preface this by acknowledging that we are really limited right now in what we can do because of Covid, but I think the main tenets still hold) was I traveled, all over the world, by myself, for two years, working remotely. I had casual romantic encounters with whomever I wanted to (taking every safety precaution I could think of)--in my case, it was a string of younger guys who boosted my confidence (and who I met beforehand and who I could tell would defer to me, which helped me feel physically safer). And while I still thought of my ex more than I ever wanted to, and my heart hurt so much about what had happened (and what I'd put up with), I still had so much fun (and real, meaningful intimacy, just not in a way I'd imagined it previously) and rich experiences learning how to relate to the world in a new way and shaping a new belief system that was more supportive (which included spirituality in a way that I hadn't embraced before). The point of it (which can still apply in Covid times) is I learned to trust myself (which I'd forgotten how to do with all the gaslighting), and I did what I wanted (which was a big change) without shaming myself around it. I boosted my self esteem by showing myself what I could do on my own. I got to know myself better. I contradicted the narrative that I was un-wantable by showing myself that people desired me. By keeping things casual with romantic encounters, I was teaching myself how to say goodbye, in case I needed to learn how to do that in my next relationship if things got bad (a skill I'd previously sorely lacked). By telling the men I met about my disability (which I'd feared would make me seem unappealing), I was deciding not to hide that part of myself and I was learning to see a "flaw" as a real gift (I wouldn't take away my disability now even if I could--it gave me so much and taught me so much and it's part of me, and I learned to love myself). And along the way, without even really realizing it, I was teaching myself to listen to myself, to my feelings, to my alarm bells, and how to keep myself as safe as possible while also taking calculated risks. All of these things are important in romantic relationship, no matter the setting. Obviously, this was pre-Covid, but I think the advice can still apply. Are there some things you can do that you've always wanted to do (but never allowed yourself)? What were some of the wounds your last relationship caused in you? What could you do to boost your self worth that would also address some of those specific wounds? How can you teach yourself that you can feel good in your own company so that you know, should you ever get into another relationship like the last one, that you could leave that relationship and that you'll be okay and safe and happy by yourself (which should help you be able to leave should the situation call for it). There's also something called EMDR, which helps heal trauma stored in the body/ wordless parts of the brain, that I think could also be helpful. I've noticed that lots of therapists are trained to do it now (including sliding scale therapists if finances are an issue). Oh, and if possible (like, if you don't share children or a business), having absolutely no contact with the person who hurt you can really help, if you haven't done so already. I came back to the US when Covid hit in case my parents needed anything, and I ended up starting a relationship with someone, and it is completely different than the ones I had been in before. This person is kind, caring, a good listener, doesn't negate my feelings, warrants trust, and is oh-so-attractive (and makes me feel attractive too!), etc. I still get scared, but I also know myself better now, and I trust myself to get out of a bad relationship in a way I never did before. It took some time (2.5 years) but in the end, even with the scary health diagnosis and all the grief, I had the time of my life in those two and half years, along with getting to know myself and my limits better and setting myself up for more success in future relationships. Which is to say--you never know what pain can bring. It can look horrible on the surface but if you head into the pain, into the grief, with bravery, you never know what gifts might be hidden under the surface. See where it takes you. You're clearly very strong to get out of such a toxic relationship--healing is a long road but it does happen. I have total faith in your ability to heal and grow from this experience.