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Anonymous
08/10/20 at 5:42PM UTC
in
Women In Tech

Advice on not getting steamrolled by my male coworkers

I work on a great software development team, with 2 male developers, and 1 other female developer. With equally fantastic managers, product owner, and scrum master. However, since going remote this spring, the 2 male coworkers have started completely steamrolling me. I have really struggled to work on meaningful tasks. An example is in a meeting, one male coworker suggested to the other male coworker that if he needed more work, he should take over my assigned task. Without even acknowledging me. We're all at equal levels, and this project has been new to all of us. So there's no reason for these two to be allocating tasks for me. This has happened again and again. These two go to meetings without me, and do not share the information. When I do speak up and take on tasks, they will email people about my projects, without asking if I need help. There's a lot of other instances of them just forgetting me, or taking over my tasks. The men are not malicious, or taking credit for my work. They just have 0 boundaries, and want to be involved on every single detail. I have the support of my manager, and srum master, who step in when they can. How can I speak up for myself, and tell them to stay in their lane without sounding territorial or selfish? How can I speak up via video calls and take tasks, when they've already started and shared none of the information needed? I didn't have as much trouble when we were in the office!

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User deleted comment on 08/13/20 at 5:40AM UTC
Lisa Kincaid
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11
Exec Advisor, Enterprise Product Acceleration
08/11/20 at 11:56PM UTC
Everyone has given great advise, so I'll just add...People only do to you what you allow them to do. Even though you have the support of your manager and Scrum Master, your peers will respect you more for handling your business and standing up for yourself; in the kindest but firmest way possible. Change begins with you.
Jackie Ghedine
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5.74k
Coach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
08/10/20 at 7:55PM UTC
Going remote is difficult for everyone and unfortunately doesn't always translate to great work practices and respect. Up the "I need to prove my worth" anti and some people go into protect myself mode. It's almost as if they feel like the stepped into an episode of survivor and formed an alliance without telling you everyone was in the game. This needs to be addressed. First separate out the behaviors from the intention. You can assume intention, but you don't know intention. When you do this, the behavior alone can be seen as just an act. *John, I appreciate your help on this project, however, when you get involved without me it mucks up communication and productivity. I'll take the lead on my projects and will absolutely reach out when I need assistance because I know your strengths and when to leverage them. *John, that's a great idea, and appreciate your feedback. I think we will get a lot more accomplish if we each work on our own projects and when the project lead needs to collaborate they can bring in the correct parties. I would also engage your manager to step in and create boundaries around situations like this so that everyone has clear expectations. Good luck
Sandra Villani
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409
Senior Front-End Developer, NYC-area.
08/10/20 at 6:08PM UTC
I've been in a similar situation before and as a developer I know that's infuriating. In my case, I was left out of technical decisions on code that I ultimately owned. I ended up having a "harsh but fair" conversation with the tech manager about how I don't want other people making decisions on my work without my input. So I think your best bet is to have a similar conversation with your co-workers to nip this in the bud. I've seen this type of behavior a lot with less-experienced developers - they're really eager to get work done, but it doesn't occur to them that they are stepping on someone's toes. Also, you mentioned that your manager is supportive - your manager is responsible for ensuring you all are working together as a team so it should also be on him/her to make it clear to your coworkers that they should not take work already allocated to you without speaking with you first.
Anonymous
08/10/20 at 5:58PM UTC
This is so frustrating! I'm sorry you're experiencing it. Unfortunately, you're not alone in this experience. I'd recommend addressing the issues immediately as they happen - let your colleagues know (kindly) in the moment what they did wrong and how you'd like to be treated next time. If it's not malicious, they should be open to the feedback!
Michele Cresmen-Block
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102
08/10/20 at 7:02PM UTC
This is a great approach! I'll say "yes, and" try to do it privately at first. One way to frame it is "when you...I get the impression that..." and try to have a dialog about the specific thing. If that doesn't work, consider talking to your Scrum Master on how you can broach the topic (safely) in a team retrospective. There may be a retro technique that lends itself to this topic and that's a place where (hopefully) the team is already in a "learn and change" mindset.

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