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Ranjani Krishnamurthy
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143
Customer Engagement, Operations, Staffing & CMS
07/31/20 at 7:39AM UTC (Edited)
in
Diversity & Inclusion

Those Annoying Small Talks..

I read an article in FGB about some of the sexist things that one accidentally says at work. I am not sure whether what I am writing about here falls under that category and am looking for some guidance from the fellow team members here on how to cope up with them and respond to them without getting annoyed. Whenever I chance upon meeting an old acquaintance or a former team member or senior, non-executive board members and we are having this small talk before getting to the business at hand, I am invariably asked how old my children are, how I am managing to work full time in spite of their choc a bloc schedule w.r.t their studies and even have to hear one of those sinister (in the guise of well meaning) remarks on how they hope I have not left them in the lurch! Since I co-own a business, many of these contacts including a few family members just assume that I am here only during my free time to help out my spouse or keep an eye on him (for God's sake!). Somehow the fact that I am heading an independent business unit and am actively contributing to the company's revenue gets totally ignored. Most of the times I manage to keep myself composed in the face of such derision (intentional or otherwise) but sometimes they really get under my skin and I find myself fuming without knowing how to vent it out. It happened just a fortnight ago when an old friend I was chatting with, who was a mechanical engineer herself until a few years ago asked casually whether I was still assisting at work or had given it up. It is during moments like these that I get confused about what my response should be; whether I should - bare my teeth and bark at her or just carry on as though I did not hear those words.

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AnnFennerSpiegel
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87
08/04/20 at 5:34AM UTC
Perhaps some of the commentators suffer from envy at your achievements, so are demeaning
Ranjani Krishnamurthy
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143
Customer Engagement, Operations, Staffing & CMS
08/04/20 at 8:08AM UTC
Oh Ann, there is nothing to be envious about it. I have slogged really hard over the last 14 years to build the organisation and to bring it to a certain state. If only people wanting to know about my role in it simply asked rather than assuming things. I would never do that to anyone. Thank you for your response.
Anonymous
08/03/20 at 2:41PM UTC
I took a Dale Carnegie course a bazillion years ago. I also read several of his books including, "How to Win Friends and Influence People". The basic premises of his teaching was when dealing with others the best method was to find something in common. Our families, our children are a logical default. Now I realize that this training method was conceptualized before many women where in the business world. Increasingly, this has become an increasingly touchy subject for women in general. In your case you feel slighted. Their are women that have no children and there are those that desperately want child but have medical issues, there's child care and probably angles I haven't considered. My husband started a business and shortly it be came so successful that he needed my help in the business. As the business grew my part grew in the business. I accompanied him to many sale interviews and I have to admit that I was astounded by the detailed information he knew about each one of his client contacts. He knew the contacts wife's name, kid's names and ages, where the went to school and what sports they played. He knew the contacts Hobbies, some health issues and even divorces. My husband explained this was common ground. My husband and contact would spend 40 minutes of an 60 minute meeting in "small" talk. Then they get to making the business deal, my husband always made the sale. He told me that people want to do business with people the like and when you can talk about things that matter to them there is usually a conection. I do agree with the other commenter that one must not assign negative intent to these types of comments, I think that is unfair. However, you can, with intent, teach people what is acceptable topics of discussion with you by leading the conversation.
Ranjani Krishnamurthy
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143
Customer Engagement, Operations, Staffing & CMS
08/04/20 at 8:03AM UTC
Thank you very much for your support. I understand that a bit of personal touch in a conversation has a lot of positive effects. I totally agree with you that not everyone has negative intentions. But I just feel that discussing personal lives in front of a group is, kind of insensitive. Also, about people assuming my role in the organisation, after reading your comment, I realise I am being a little too prickly, I will work on myself on that front. Thank you again for reaching out to me!
Elisa Rickard
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11
08/03/20 at 12:49PM UTC
It sounds like an unconscious bias. I don’t think anyone is trying to be hurtful when asking about your kids and it seems there’s some sort of miscommunication in exactly what your role in the company is. Like someone said above, you can’t control what other people do, only how you react. I understand the frustration you have and my advice would be, whenever someone asks about your kids keep it short and sweet and say “my kids are happy and healthy thank you” and when it comes to comments about your role in the company take the time to educate them that you aren’t support staff but a co-owner and contribute just as much as the other owner
Ranjani Krishnamurthy
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143
Customer Engagement, Operations, Staffing & CMS
08/04/20 at 7:48AM UTC
Thank you for the guidance Elisa. You are right, not all would try to be hurtful but some of these inquiries spring up at such awkward moments that I find myself at a loss. I have never seen a male executive asked such questions, the small talks with them have always been about the new gadgets that they own, a favourite sport or current affairs.
Revonna Marie
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89
Senior Industrial Hygienist
07/31/20 at 1:13PM UTC
I definitely agree with the above comments. Maybe just go into explaining current projects or successes. Talk yourself up and show your enthusiasm and expertise for your business.
Ranjani Krishnamurthy
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143
Customer Engagement, Operations, Staffing & CMS
08/03/20 at 8:14AM UTC
Thank you Revonna! I agree with you; a positive affirmation is the best response any day. I am working on it.
Anonymous
07/31/20 at 1:05PM UTC
I would simply say ... why would I have given it up? Put it back in their hands.
Ranjani Krishnamurthy
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143
Customer Engagement, Operations, Staffing & CMS
08/03/20 at 8:12AM UTC
It would then lead to all sorts of imaginations, assumptions and advices and becomes very tiresome having to explain myself.. But thank you for taking your time out to read my post; I truly appreciate the support.
Jackie Ghedine
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5.84k
Coach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
07/31/20 at 10:47AM UTC
The first thing I would do is separate out the behavior from any assumed intention. Without knowing their motivation, we need to look at a behavior as an act not as an intention in an effort to remove the emotions that come along with it. Unfortunately, you can't control what people say, only how you respond to it. Ignoring it hasn't worked for you because you're writing this post (and that's ok, everyone has to manage situations the way it works for them) and you're feeling like you want to bark. What if you changed your perspective to see the comments as ignorant and uninformed and consider how you would handle an ignorant comment that wasn't about you. What if you thought of these as teachable moments. Your friend asks, "Are you still assisting at work or have you given it up." Your response, "It seems you're under the assumption that this is a hobby for me. Running this business is my career and I'm invigorated by my contribution in its success." Knowing this comes up often, find a few powerful explanations that acknowledge their assumptions are incorrect and then stake your flag in the ground on your contribution, business acumen or whatever you want to showcase.
Ranjani Krishnamurthy
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143
Customer Engagement, Operations, Staffing & CMS
07/31/20 at 11:53AM UTC
Thank you very much for your guidance and advice Jackie! I hadn't realised I had a lot of pent up frustration in me until it all came pouring out.
Jackie Ghedine
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5.84k
Coach for Gen X Women | Jack Russell of Humans
07/31/20 at 12:19PM UTC
And rightfully so! However, it isn't going to serve you well in the long run! Good luck.

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