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Resenting my boss' choice to promote my co-worker
I've been at my company for five years and my co-worker who has worked here for less than half of that was recently promoted to a position I'd been hoping for. While I admire my co-worker and I want to be happy for them, I'm feeling jealous, upset, and overall cheated out of the position. My boss has been giving me nothing but praise, especially in the past few months, so I don't know what I've done wrong. Now I feel unmotivated and feel resentment toward him.
Has anyone been in this situation before? How did you cope and move on?
MoneyCareerMotherhood
Smart financial decisions for work & home
175
08/22/20 at 12:45PM UTC
I agree with the others who have suggested asking your boss what you can do to advance in your career. If you did apply for the promotion, I'd also ask which areas specifically were the determining factor in the decision the company made.
And, this is easier said than done, but try not to focus on the person who got the promotion. This and other unfavorable situations will happen a number of times over the course of your career. Focusing on what you can do to be your best and on being in a company culture that values what you value in advancement will always be the best way to career advancement.
User deleted comment on 08/21/20 at 9:21AM UTC
Mandy KiernanDirector of Clinical Development, greater Boston
208
08/20/20 at 4PM UTC
This happened to me early in my career and it ate me up inside. Luckily, my supervisor and department head helped me work on myself during the transition. I was angry, hurt and questioning my capabilities but my boss repeatedly confirmed that my co-workers promotion to my supervisor had nothing to do with me. In her eyes, I was performing wonderfully at my level and my coworker earned her promotion due to experience in the industry over mine. It took me several months to get my "eyes on my own paper" as my boss used to tell me and focus on myself and my own growth.
One thing I have learned several years later is that if my boss had promoted me at the growth rate I really wanted it would have actually hurt my career in terms of longevity in certain roles and experience levels as well as pay raises. Sometimes these things happen for a reason.
If you have relationship where you can approach your boss to communicate your feelings to her, I would. Ultimately, if your boss says it has nothing to do with you, it has nothing to do with YOU.
Anne Camacho
10
08/20/20 at 2:14PM UTC
If you are being overlooked, then maybe you need to look elsewhere. I was at a company once for 5 years where the CEO was constantly giving increases and promotions to the same few individuals all the time. It always made me (and other co-workers) feel terribly demotivated, angry and sad. I eventually decided to leave that job after having a baby. That was the best thing that ever happened, because when I returned to work (at a new job) I was so much happier.
User deleted comment on 08/20/20 at 2:12PM UTC
Barbara BrownRecruiting and brand manager
60
08/20/20 at 1:57PM UTC
I, actually, expect to have to face this same situation before the end of the year. In my case, it will because I am the only on the team working remotely (I work at one of our branch locations vs at headquarters.). I want to be happy for her, but will not be hard as she is a micromanager and that doesn't work well for me. I will need to look for a new job when this happens.
Anonymous
08/20/20 at 1:54PM UTC
Unfortunately, just because you're good at your job, doesn't mean you'll get a promotion or get recognized for your talent. In my experience, the people who usually get promoted are people that engage in the water cooler and have a close personal relationship with whoever is in charge of promoting people.
Also -- to the person who said "people don't pluck you out of your cubical" that absolutely does happen, but generally only to men.
barbg
373
08/20/20 at 1:41PM UTC
I'm a little dismayed at the assumption that the boss must have had some valid reason for doing this - I've seen too many promotions based on social affinity to believe that. My advice: when you can do so calmly and professionally, ask your boss point blank what you can do to advance in this company and let your boss know that you're disappointed at not being getting this promotion. If all the feedback you get is vague and/or filled with platitudes and/or filled with criticisms of you that are either a) irrelevant, or b) you never heard before, then you need to quietly see what else is out there.
Queen N. SmallsQueen City PgM
174
08/20/20 at 1:08PM UTC (Edited)
When you’ve been with a company for five years, you’ve expressed your desire to be promoted, you’ve discussed the actions you need to take with your supervisor and your actions follow suit...if it doesn’t work out, start looking for something else that fits where you want to be and go. Congratulate your colleague and move on. Life is too short to miss your dreams. You can do it.
Jeanne Baade
32
08/20/20 at 1:01PM UTC
Oh, I am so sorry. This happened to me multiple times at the same company. I interviewed and several times got to the last interview and the response was always similar “you blew us away, but we chose X and they would list one thing.” That last time I was so upset! It led me in a journey towards leadership in different areas. Also, I asked the VP to level with me. What were they not telling me about why I was never hired for what I thought was a perfect fit. She gave me brutal feedback that has been invaluable. I was simply too good in my current role, I wasn’t playing the game right, I only bounced back and got stronger in my role each time someone else was promoted.
You have to be ready to hear the reason, even if it hurts/wrongs you. Then change your approach and find a different path to your goal. Good luck.
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