Extended family

Question

My grandmother recently died and although my mom had been her primary caretaker for 20 years and especially in the last year when my grandmother required special care, my extended family flew in for the funeral to take credit for her care.  I was quite disgusted by their unethical behavior.  I also have a cousin who has increased competition and unnecessary debates with me recently and the side he picks usually involve sacrificing some well-meaning group (for example, downplaying covid risks though he was first to get vaccine and my family got covid due to his downplaying its risks).  I heard he is going through some personal tragedies; I reached out to support him but he seemed to want to compete instead.  I think I just need to forget about him and other more terrible family members and move on but I’m finding that much harder in practice.  Any advice?

Anonymous · Answer

If you can't change your dynamic, 
therapy can help give you perspective and teach you the tools necessary to deal with the dynamics of your family (and just difficult situations in general.)    We play a role in our relationships (actively or passively) and sometimes its difficult to step back and understand what is at play and what we bring to the relationship.     You can learn to engage differently so that you can gain some personal emotional distance without cutting members of your family out.   Boundaries are very freeing and extremely healthy.   It's completely up to you to determine how you engage.

Alison Swerdloff · Answer

First, I am sorry for your loss. Second, as others have mentioned sometimes you need to eliminate toxic people from your life even if it's family. You don't owe anyone any explanation,  just stop contacting or responding.  If someone else asks, just say you are taking care of you and your peace of mind.  Your well being is more important than family pressures.  Good luck!

Cherise Peterson · Answer

Unfortunately, family or not, there is sometimes a need to eliminate negativity from your life like that. While yes you are upset about them taking credit for what your mother has done for your grandmother. I would let her handle it how she sees fit. As for the cousin, if they continue to do this when you have reached out in support them it's time to step away. Sometimes no matter if they are are family or not you have to separate yourself from toxic behavior like that.

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