I think I have PTSD from work life.

Anonymous

July 7,2023 at 1:22PM UTC

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I think I have PTSD from work life. I have worked on it plenty in therapy, but it follows me to every role, and I fear I have become unemployable.

I worked really hard at my job over a few years, aiming to get promoted into leadership: I took extra classes, I did leadership training, got a mentor, and became an expert. I was lucky enough to get promoted. At every job I've had since, my team and I have had a deep trust in one another and appreciate each other, work through hard things beautifully, and seem to move mountains together. I love that I seem to be the boss I always wanted.

But MY bosses and C-Suite folks are never happy. They don't seem to ask questions or understand our department's work. Our teams get demoralized from their disconnected decisionmaking. Some of these work environments have been truly toxic, misogynistic, bullying. I have quit jobs when it's not right and knew it was the right thing to do. Level-headed people who were in the room have told me these situations weren't my fault.

But all of that has taken a toll and my work baggage is heavy now. I like my current job and my boss is wonderful. But we had a situation the other day (one of several now) where HR did something upsetting. In this case, someone deleted a lot of people's work accounts by mistake. Thinking all my work might be gone, I got very upset and was ready to go into HR and tell them how I felt unvalued by the company and that a lot of other people must be after all that has been happening. My coworker talked me out of it and urged me to take a beat, reminding me my own boss loves my work and I should ignore HR's mishandling of things.

I realized that I was so upset because it was triggering of all the other times I felt unsafe at work. My brain said, "you thought this place was different, but it's not, no place is, they don't care about you or anyone else." It wasn't that big a deal in the end and everything was back to normal the next day, my work wasn't permanently gone. But I still feel like I'm working for a bunch of clowns.

Does it get better? I know a lot of workplaces are just shitty. I feel like I have ended up in a few rough places with bad communicators, but I also realize at this point, I'm sort of traumatized and waiting for the other shoe to drop at any place I work. I came in here confident, and it's being eroded yet again. Do actually good workplaces exist? Is there such a thing as actual accountability anywhere? Do safe workplaces exist? Do I need more therapy? (Yes). Should I work for myself? A work life where I just get to do my job without the BS feels like it doesn't exist. Real talk, folks. I know I have more work to do on myself, but do I have anything good to look forward to in working for other people?

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AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 2:08PM UTC
This happened to me at every job I ever had. I grew up the family scapegoat and had been in therapy for years. Medication has helped but people do sense something in you that hard to hide and they will use that to their advantage. I decided to work for myself making little money cause I think the stress will kill me
AnonymousJuly 10,2023 at 3:19PM UTC
Same! Family scapegoat as well. Makes sense. But I also feel like if you’re a good worker then after the “honeymoon” period of new job was then they reveal their toxicity and start making you the bad guy that can suddenly never do enough or never do anything right. Seems to be a common toxic workplace theme.
AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 2:30PM UTC
Kudos to you for following the advice and taking a beat! Wow. That is growth and improvement for sure. Also that colleague who gave you the advice seems like someone you can trust as well. I wonder the same questions as you do, as someone who also has PTSD from a prior work experience. I am not sure people can be trusted to keep you safe, but being able to recognize the triggers and reset / step away to cool off or to gain perspective is the skill that will keep you going in any workplace. I think you probably know the difference between annoying people and toxic, narcissistic people. It's likely that it's not as bad as your trauma parts are telling you. I keep changing jobs every two years in hopes I can find a better place. But if your boss is great, hold that knowledge close and lean on that. That's the most important. I don't have a great answer for you. I am going to see if I can find a job where I am working for a woman next (seeking to find a boss like I am to my employees).
AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 7:50PM UTC
I felt like you get this on the same level, thank you. Sometimes it's just so grueling to keep at it. I would say that half the bad bosses I've had have been female, and everyone's mismanagement, when it's happened, has been in a unique style. Good luck to you, I hope you find something right for you next.
AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 2:34PM UTC
As a person who has been fired for: closing a door; NOT hanging up on a customer; using the internet for research requested of me; missing a day of work after a DV situation; questioning policy (just asking a question)
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that some folks are power mad when they are promoted. It's hard to not take personally. I'm in therapy and on antidepressants and now watching coworkers be promoted for incompetence. (That person's bad fit, let's give her a raise!) I really think its a form of gaslighting, and I'm both glad and sad that I'm not alone in this!!
AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 4:08PM UTC
I feel this exact same way. Push through it or start your own business seem to be the only options.
Barb HansenJuly 7,2023 at 4:25PM UTC
It gets better!
I have been in a similar situation as you. I worked hard, learned a lot, became an expert, gave everything I had to companies, loved by my team members and direct report and yet I saw others promoted around me, and in some companies I felt ignored or even worse, I felt used.
Over my career, some of my C-Suite's loved me and many didn't, it just depended on the company, and yet I was focusing on the companies, C-Suiters and situations that were negative, even though I had positive situation in my past.
Here is what I did:
I did an audit on my career; What types of companies and their missions did I work best in,? What size of company did I work best in? What type of managers did I work best for? Where did I feel valued? What did I like about the jobs in the companies where I felt most valued?
If I wasn't able to find many positives in some categories, I was able to list a bunch of negatives which helped me learn the types of companies/managers that I didn't want to work for again.
Then I told myself, there are tens of millions of companies in the world (assuming I wanted to work as an external contractor/consultant), and out of those millions of companies, I would be able to find at least 100 companies that were a good fit for me ,
Then I worked hard to focus on what I'm good at (what's my super powers when it comes to work), and I aligned my job search to find companies that would value my superpowers (based on my learnings on what type of companies valued my superpowers in the past).
I'm not a good fit for many types of companies, and there are hundreds of thousands of managers that I'm definitely not a good fit for and I decided that's okay, but for the companies that I'm good for, I'm a really great fit.
I also determined that I being a full-time contractor/consultant didn't work for me. I want to (or perhaps need to) work with a group of people. Working with a team of people feeds me, but I keep the door open to work on side-projects (some paid, some volunteer), which also feeds my need for "learning new things"
I don't know if any of my experience helped you - I hope some of it rings true for you.
Good luck!
AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 7:46PM UTC
Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom. There are some very actionable bits in there. I appreciate it.
Barbara WhiteJuly 12,2023 at 2:25PM UTC
Excellent suggestions!
Sami MacKayJuly 8,2023 at 12:43PM UTC
As someone who was let go from 8 corporate roles in 5 years due to M&A and lost both parents to cancer in this same time frame, take some deep breaths! It’s awful I know! I actually went back to bedside nursing from the corporate roles I educated myself into and discovered that even with 40+ years of nursing experience and I still was having issues. Yes, it is possible to get PTSD from the corporate world. Try to do some work on shifting your mindset into gratitude and then do some work around nervous system dysregulation. It helps immensely, I promise. I know it sounds like social media trending but I discovered that I spent so much time (even in a completely different field!) being defensive and expecting the next awful thing to come along that any little thing triggered me into the “that’s it, I quit” state. Take a step further back from the reactivity and go deep within. Yes, we all need money to survive but life is a gift and there should be some level of satisfaction in what you do to earn that money. Good luck!
Jamie Martin, ACCJuly 8,2023 at 12:57PM UTC
The thing I've noticed in my career and as a coach is that often we end up on similar environments over and over again for several reasons. 1) We aren't taught how to interview in a way that digs up the real culture. 2) We are carrying our past beliefs with us and projecting it on the new (think tainted glasses).
With your therapist are you doing any release work around your past jobs? Really letting it out and letting it go?
Start looking at where you are saying there it is again the toxic culture and do what you did here - pause a beat and ask yourself after you have calmed down - am I projecting a belief onto this situation or is it truly a toxic moment.
I could probably go on for ages on this topic, but this is where I'd recommend starting.
AnonymousJuly 10,2023 at 6:50PM UTC
OP here: Thank you, this is extremely useful to me
Sheila PhieldsJuly 8,2023 at 1:06PM UTC
I feel your pain. I chose to be an individual contributor throughout my career after witnessing and experiencing so much bad leadership throughout my career. While I’ve stayed in my chosen field, I’ve done a fair amount of job changes and even consulting. I thought consulting would be my ticket to freedom. It ended up being the worst leadership experience ever! Luckily, I made a very good amount of money, left the contract after one year and took 5 months off, which I had never done in a 30 year career. I’m now in the sunset of my career and just recently started a new job. I have a great boss, salary and benefits. However, the struggles I have experienced throughout my career have always been bad leadership or bad coworkers who can also make your work life a living hell. These people are inescapable and in most cases, they continue to get away with bad behavior despite escalation. Long winded response, but my point is that if you are a sensitive and caring person which you sound to be, it’s going to be a struggle just about anywhere. I enjoy my work, but bad coworkers and/or leadership can really beat you down.
AnonymousJuly 8,2023 at 2:34PM UTC
I do not mean to dismiss or devalue the challenges you are facing. However, please do not use the term PTSD to describe the normal frustration you feel when dealing with these workplace challenges. It undermines the truly debilitating effects from extreme life and death stress events suffered by those in active combat or who live in ongoing physically and mentally abusive environments.
In reading your letter you state a lot of positive things about the work you do and the company you work for. You've advanced on your own merit and your direct supervisors appreciate and value your work. Keep that fact in your pocket and pull it out when you need it.
What you describe here is an overreaction to a mistake by someone under another person's supervision. YOU had no responsibility for what happened, yet your work and your co-worker's appeared, AT FIRST, to be gone. Yes, that's disheartening and frustrating. But it was retrieved, in the end and all was not lost. That's a good thing and a relief!! But what you experienced does not rise to the level of PTSD, by any stretch. This kind of thing happens every day in every workplace around the world.
And yes, upper management often seems totally out of touch and clueless. If you ever work your way up to those levels, you will understand that sometimes there's a valid reason it appears that way. Sometimes, upper management IS clueless, but if you set your mind on BEiNG a problem solver and a solution finder, you will earn the trust of supervisors AND your coworkers. Either way, it's a win-win for you.
Avoid focusing on how "put upon" you feel and remind yourself of how far you've come and the value you contribute. The grass always seems greener, but all workplaces have their pitfalls and weaknesses. Focus on your own STRENGTH! And when talking to HR and the higher ups, don't place blame on anyone. Just state the facts in this order:
1. This happened. Describe the FACTS of the issue.
2. This is how it affected our department and me.
3. In MY view, THIS is how things can/should change to avoid a repeat and achieve XXX and better XXX.
Then you're actually building verifiable achievements you can list on your resume to apply for other positions elsewhere or within your current company.
And really, if you're not cowering in the corner when someone drops a plate on the floor-it's NOT PTSD.
AnneJuly 8,2023 at 3:30PM UTC
I agree with most of your comments, but this is not the place to diagnose a person's mental health condition.
Debbie CachatJuly 9,2023 at 12:25PM UTC
Are you a licensed therapist?
AnonymousJuly 10,2023 at 6:48PM UTC
OP: I appreciate the perspective here, but there is a lot in your response that is more assumptive of my situation than reality. Of course I couldn't possibly have written everything that led me here in one post, but similarly, there's a lot of advice here for things that are just not part of my story. Thanks for trying, this one's just not it.
AnonymousJuly 8,2023 at 2:51PM UTC
Ooo this feels familiar. Sorry, you're going through it! I don't know if such a place exists. I think the issues you outlined are a result of the modern-day work environment, sure some places are better than others but in my experience, it always comes down to the lag. The lag of the company to focus its values on the struggles society is facing and embrace change. People lag behind in ways of thinking and doing. The lag of the whole ship to course correct after a problem is well, problematic. The lag in courage to do the right and just things even if it's hard. I choose to consult/freelance as it allows me to focus on what I'm good at and stay out of the politics of an organization. I also feel like I help people with the lag in my own way and that's helped me feel good about work and provide something unique for my clients.
AnonymousJuly 8,2023 at 3:16PM UTC
First, I recommend working with a therapist to see if you actually meet the DSM criteria for PTSD. It involves having recurring, intrusive thoughts accompanied by depressive and anxious feelings for a specific duration of time. It sounds like what you're going through is a series of terrible work environments, which can definitely cause a degree of distress. I'm also hearing that your experiencing a sense of hopelessness about the future, which could be a strong indicator of depression but I am not a license therapist at all. Is it possible for you to take a leave of absence via FMLA or PTO in order to clear your head and figure out what your next steps are? I have found that it is impossible to heal where you are being harmed. In any of these situations, there will be people who are good and people who have your back but those people cannot make up for an endemic negative work culture. Best of luck.
AnonymousJuly 10,2023 at 6:42PM UTC
OP here: I definitely recognize that PTSD may not be the right term, and meant to mention it. I just don't knowhow else to describe how this has followed me, particularly with specific triggers. I took a long time off after the last toxic job, and am even in another industry now. I have done a LOT of healing in that time, but the internal crap is just not entirely gone.
AnonymousJuly 8,2023 at 4:21PM UTC
I feel like I could have written this post.
FWIW, you might want to task your therapist about DBT techniques, which can help you with your reactions to triggers.
Have you worked in the same industry your entire career? (By any chance, do you work in tech?) I’ve worked in tech my entire career, and when I did a series of exercises with a career coach, we identified that I might have better experiences trying another industry but with a similar role. (Like you, I liked a lot of the people that I worked with and what I do, but had a lot of issues with the work environments at the companies that I’ve worked for.)
AnonymousJuly 10,2023 at 6:39PM UTC
OP here: yes, this role I'm in now is in a different industry. It IS better, actually. And it hard work sort-of starting up a new hill, but I don't think I can go back to my former industry. Every time I try to even do consulting for the old industry, I can't get my head into the game, anxiety keeps me grounded. Thanks for the suggestion for DBT techniques, I'll check it out.
AnonymousJuly 8,2023 at 5:40PM UTC
you are clearly suffering from burnout. Please take some time to repair yourself by balancing work and things that remove you from thinking about work. As women we tend to take things that happen very emotionally and personally which often backfires on us with feelings of insecurity and strife. That is not easily repairable unless you add weights to what you are experiencing. So for instance think about the error give it a physical weight and then decide a few ways to address it based upon the heaviness of it. This sounded bad but ultimately it was human error and people do make mistakes. If you don't allow others to make mistakes and then shrug it off if no one died from the mistake then you give it more weight than it actually deserves and you carry it with you. Learn to release because if you don't that weight and the weight of all the other baggage you carry from past work will crush you.
AnonymousJuly 9,2023 at 12:17AM UTC
I am in the process myself of getting therapy for workplace burnout. My company has a great family-friendly policy that is inclusive and will work with you - "every person, every chance". My direct manager does not. He loses his temper and will humiliate me in front of our team over small things. I have more technical knowledge of the system we use than he does, but he has prevented me from working in the system by assigning me other tasks. He never assigns me to work with the other 2 team members. I have had several anxiety attacks in the past few months and I do not feel safe anymore. My confidence is being slowly eroded and I am looking for yet another job. I also wonder what the hell is going on with people... I feel that since COVID the world has gotten a bit less friendly and accepting.
AnonymousJuly 9,2023 at 4:13AM UTC
I don't have any advice but I want to let you know I'm right there with you. I could have written almost this entire post. I hope it helps a little to at least know you aren't alone!
AnonymousJuly 9,2023 at 2:15PM UTC
Hi!!! You and I are two others -- OP is not alone!!
I just wrote about reporting due x/5 and doing the job of two. (Changes in data can be made x/4 requiring a restart and work still due x/5)
AnonymousJuly 10,2023 at 6:35PM UTC
OP here: Thank you. It does help, but it also hurts to know how much this happens all over the place.
AnonymousJuly 10,2023 at 9:52PM UTC
It does happen all over the place. I think that toxic workplaces are pretty much the norm in our late-stage capitalistic culture (in the US, at least).
Jodie JohnsonJuly 9,2023 at 2:45PM UTC
I can definitely tell you this: workplace bullying brings on PTSD. I've lived it myself and it will follow you everywhere because all the therapy in the world doesn't erase the pain. Therapists cannot rationalize away bad behavior of others, which by the way is increasing. The people affected the worst by it all are people like yourself, myself and others who genuinely care. Again, no therapist is going to tell you to stop caring. I wish things were different in the work culture, but human nature is a microcosm of larger sociatal and personal issues among everyone collectively.
Lynn Slater MillerJuly 11,2023 at 3:40PM UTC
I agree, workplace bullying can result in PTSD. However, what she describes does not really rise to that. It seems more like mid-management burn-out and workplaces that don't really have an effective upper management structure.
Yes, that's discouraging, especially when you feel confident about what you do, get good reviews and praise from your superiors. But again, I don't see where the LW is being targeted by upper management or given tasks in a format that is bound to fail.
This is work frustration that everyone goes through at some point in their professional lives. The trick is to get help. Help in understanding the management structure and where one can make positive impacts. Help in accepting that the obstructions are not reflections on you personally. And importantly, help in compartmentalizing work life from everything else.
AyianJuly 9,2023 at 9:38PM UTC
It is important to understand that trauma does not always equal PTSD. If you meet the clinical criteria, I would encourage you to get psychiatric support. With or without clinical criteria being met, look into adaptogenic supplements to support your brain function and reduce anxiety levels in general. Rhodiola is an adaptogen that has proven very helpful for folks with high anxiety including PTSD symptoms.
PTSD has to do with how you process trauma, not the trauma itself. If you do have PTSD, talking through the events that occurred may not be enough. Seek out people who specialize in PTSD support. Even if you are subclinical in symptoms, those same people may have some tools to better help you cope and learn some mental skills to leave the past in the past.
AnonymousJuly 10,2023 at 1:03PM UTC
Me too. I let my negative baggage direct my every move. On one hand, it fueled my desire to do a damn good job. On the other hand, I chalked it off as ptsd. Wrong. They wanted me out all along. I gave them the open door and they jumped to the termination without batting an eye.
saiyangerlJuly 10,2023 at 3:41PM UTC
I have had the exact same experience in all of my jobs! I have never been in a management role but I have experienced that disconnect between middle management and upper management as it directly affects me as a team member.
I had found the perfect job for awhile. The longest job I ever had, nearly 7 years! Unfortunately, it started to gradually become more toxic and 2020 was the breaking point and I had to leave. Unfortunately, I found myself in another toxic job very quickly. After two toxic jobs back to back and the 2020 pandemic I was beyond burnt out.
I have had a good therapist for 4 years now. I also have a great primary care doctor that also supports my mental health as far as medication and leave from work. I was able to go on disability to recover from my burnout.
I also somehow landed a good non-stressful job. It is way too easy! But
honestly, at this point I am fine with that. I will be grateful for as long as I can have a job that isn’t toxic or stressful. I almost didn’t take the job because of a possible red flag in the offer letter which stated they had this points attendance policy which I have experienced before and found very controlling and toxic. However, I needed a job and decided to take a chance and would just leave if it was toxic. Turns out they don’t even enforce that so-called policy at all. At least for my department. There was another thing that came up a year into the job where something was introduced that I was not comfortable doing at all and I had several anxiety attacks and was thinking just like you that “this always happens.” My supervisor was very understanding and I was also able to get notes from my therapist and primary care doctor excusing me from this task. Even though my supervisor said that wasn’t necessary, I didn’t trust that their supervisor wouldn’t overrule that at some point.
Their supervisor is fairly new and it’s always scary when new management is suddenly brought it and they want to do things their way instead of getting a read on the team and what works for them. They were really gungho when first starting and I get that they are trying to make a good first impression but it was stressful. Thankfully things have calmed down.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to ramble too much but so far so good at this job. I definitely have a lot of triggers just like you. I feel like a lot of people can just brush all these toxic experiences aside and move on easily or they don’t show it or talk about it. But all these negative experiences certainly build up over time!
Best of luck to you!
AnonymousJuly 11,2023 at 5:25PM UTC
I know I do. Since 2000, I have been grabbed, spoken about, bullied, demanded, insulted, blamed with no cause, propositioned, belittled (separately from demeaning), deliberately outcast or punished and more. Mostly because 1. I trusted professional "friends" 2. I didn't pay attention to the outer politics while working on very successful and large projects (multimill profits for companies, sometimes 100s of millions) 3. Because I was trying to be too kind when the boss was using me as a scapegoat 4. My age, gender and race (without proof, but when everyone else claiming items are one race or color, or politics, it is hard to deny (especially when they go to certain political events together that are not aligned with me).
This is a just the mini list. But one of the female bosses went as far as try to gossip that I had mental problems, so there was no way I could seek psychiatrist help without people believing her further. And she did this silently on a domestic scale (found out much later) which set me lots of jobs during the pandemic remotely.
Here is the bigger problem.. after one starts at a large scale, it followed me. No matter how hard I worked, or work, people labeled me as the smart nice one that "can be used" and now it has happened again. No matter how many times I check and am careful, there is always someone else trying to take advantage of me.
The corporate world is a brutal place. It is very hard without a mentor (like myself) or without a starting tribe that you consistently move with. I was a loner who did not have the chance to create either still. And the effects of PTSD do follow you..as I recently learned when a boss took a few days a week every week for 4 months to put me down and accuse me wrongfully or tell me I was horrible at my job, after he had high dollar revenue accounts removed from my portfolio and negative swing accounts placed into my portfolio.
I have learned over the years I can keep my calm. Speaking to lawyers I found out he is legal to do so in at will states as long as other felonies are not committed (sexual, slander, assault, discrimination, etc). So he gets away with all the cursing and belittling and yelling at me and due to remote work, there are no witnesses for me to have any case and I don't have enough money. He even laid me off and claims that I do not deserve any commissions and gave those as incentive to another worker who gladly lies on his behalf.
Sadly, one cannot escape these unless one is the boss. But I no longer have any income, Savings or help and this last boss took full advantage of that. And now, he may have blocked me out of my career forever by taking this to a global level and there is nothing I can do.
I can only hope maybe decades from now there is enough change that men like these go away. But recent politics in 2016 showed us this behavior is celebrated as "strong" (including any lies) so I fear there is no option
maria roseJuly 17,2023 at 6:25PM UTC
The grass is not always greener on the other side because it only looks that way in the view seen. It sounds like your company is going through a transition period of adjustment with changes to their technology system and you are working with a good team of both coworkers and manager but you feel undervalued because something happened that triggered a reminder of being blamed for another’s mistake. Obviously, based on your description your job description involves input into a program and if that input is erased it creates problems for the entire team effort. You didn’t want to deal with that stress again, but it appears that you worried for naught. If you’re still feeling stressed why not ask for some personal time off ( an extra day) to just relax. You will be amazed at how quickly your attitude changes when you relieve the pressure.