I am the director of a non-profit.

37 Comments

1. tamara hurwitzNovember 7,2022 at 2:45PM UTC

   I would tell her that unfortunately she doesn't have the option of declining a meeting with you. I would say that it's important to have a place where people can speak up openly and test your assumptions but if it is not productive I would provide feedback with specific examples of the impact of the behavior. I would follow up that meeting with an email restating your conversation to make sure you are on the same page.

2. Bonnie CoventryNovember 7,2022 at 2:46PM UTC

   Hello, If they have taken all of the required onboarding training, example, code of conduct, I would encourage a touchbase to see how they feel things are going for them. If there's anything that they would like to address on your communication style with them, etc. Perhaps a weekly one on one touch base will help alleviate the stress of this new working relationship. If it continues partner with another leader to help support a tougher conversation. Good luck!

3. Crystal HowellNovember 7,2022 at 3:03PM UTC

   Discuss with HR, see what her actual background is, discipline her at the meetings. Say we can further discuss, at a later date as I am following an agenda, to be respectful of others time. Write her up, and see how she interacts with other employees, there is a Miss Kravitz somewhere in the group. Call her out for her suggestions, if she starts up after your discussion. The other employees must notice too? Who recommended her to the company? Good Luck

4. Shelly EdwardsNovember 7,2022 at 3:14PM UTC

   You remember you are her boss and you shut down the attacks. I don't usually like to pull the boss card, because I think leaders should lead, but sometimes it is necessary to remind people who they are speaking with. You have a private meeting with her. If she starts to speak or attack, you ask her to remain quiet until you are finished. Then you let her know that while her work performance is great, her interpersonal skills and lack of professionalism and respect will no longer be tolerated. You work with her to see if she needs some training on tact and professionalism and if she declines, you lay out very clear standards for communication moving forward. Be very clear that this behavior ends immediately and if she cannot follow this plan, then you are happy to find another candidate who can do the work just as well, but also be a good employee. Then you stick to your guns. If she attacks in a meeting, dismiss her from the meeting and follow up with a private conversation to either discipline again or terminate. Allowing one employee to disrepect you or her teammates shows all of the other employees that this is acceptable behavior. You may end up losing other great employees who do not want to be around her so you need to nip it in the bud as soon as possible.

5. Heather CutlerNovember 7,2022 at 4:29PM UTC

   Best advice of this entire post!

6. AnonymousNovember 7,2022 at 3:36PM UTC

   I don't think you need to pull a total domination power play at all or go weirdly vicious as some suggest here. I'd definitely insist on the meeting with her, as an honest chat about what's going on. I think she's showing you that she has good ideas and wants to be heard, just going about it in totally the wrong way.

7. Kristie WhiteNovember 7,2022 at 4:14PM UTC

   She is grandstanding and upstaging you. That is often acceptable professional behavior in a competitive environment. She is trying to make herself known. I also wouldn’t discount the idea that she is after your job. So meet with her and make it mandatory. Attitude, teamwork, diplomacy and respect are part of her job performance and expectations should match your culture. If that is not how you do business, make sure she knows it. You don’t know if some Board member has her back.

8. AnonymousNovember 7,2022 at 4:24PM UTC

   Are the content of the questions representing valid concerns, considerations, assumptions, decision frameworks? If yes, you can coach her on how to speak more effectively. Be subtle. Have a convo about how “brash some cultures are and one colleague that you worked with spoke in X manner…”

9. AnonymousNovember 7,2022 at 4:26PM UTC

   Have you considered reframing it? She’s new and shes probably trying to show her worth. When I worked in consulting I worked with a lot of new hires. Some admitted imposter syndrome. Consider a few compliments for small wins and she’ll settle

   down.

10. Barb HansenNovember 7,2022 at 4:57PM UTC

    Side note: She's not doing excellent work if she's disrupting meetings by attacking and arguing.
    Besides that fact that she's attacking and arguing with you (her manager), she is attacking and arguing with a fellow staff member (you). That sort of behavior is damaging to any team and it overrides any excellent work she is doing.

    You would not put up with this behavior if she was attacking other staff members, so treat her as such (treat her like she was attacking someone else).

    Schedule a mandatory one-on-one with her, if she refuses to attend, then schedule a mandatory one-on-one with you, her and your manager. If you have to resort to this action, talk to your manager to brainstorm how to handle this situation.

    Assuming she comes to your meeting, you need to treat her like she was attacking another member of your staff. You'll need to keep your feelings out of the conversation.

    Depending on how the conversation goes during that meeting, here are some questions/suggestions for you:
    -ask her if she thinks she is doing anything wrong during team meetings.
    -ask her if she thinks there is a better way to handle objections
    -does she think she's arguing/attacking anyone during those meetings
    -help her create an alternative way to present objections (if she doesn't see that she is attacking team members/you during the meeting

    After the meeting, and depending on how she responds in your meeting:
    -has she committed to do better? Put her on meeting probation to see if she can interact with all team members appropriately.
    -has she double-downed on her actions? Remove her from those meeting. Have her meet with you prior to the meeting to give you her notes and action items, and you present on her behalf.

11. AnonymousNovember 7,2022 at 5:44PM UTC

    Drop a meeting on her calendar. You don't need her permission to set aside time and address these issues. If needed, you could event document all of this with HR.

12. AnonymousNovember 8,2022 at 12:01PM UTC

    They are your direct report. They don't get to decline a meeting or 1:1 with their supervisor. You set a meeting on the calendar, you explain that arguing in the open forum is distracting and disrespectful. You explain your rules of engagement and how you want her to interact when there a a disagreement.

    It's pretty basic leadership and should be discussed so you are both comfortable with discussing conflicting options and ideas.

13. Mark OsemeneNovember 8,2022 at 1:11PM UTC

    I want to agree to the person below, however I suggest you bring your HRBP on such meetings with her and perhaps put her/him on probation to meetings until you notice improvements.

    They are your direct report. They don't get to decline a meeting or 1:1 with their supervisor. You set a meeting on the calendar, you explain that arguing in the open forum is distracting and disrespectful. You explain your rules of engagement and how you want her to interact when there a a disagreement.

    It's pretty basic leadership and should be discussed so you are both comfortable with discussing conflicting options and ideas.

14. AnonymousNovember 8,2022 at 1:28PM UTC

    Hi,

    I am one of the argumentative types. However, I should note I did not even realize it until someone called it out to me. In my view I was being helpful by calling out risks - it never occurred to me that others would find it as being unrespectful or as "attacking" them. It surely was never meant that way. I also did amazing work, so it was difficult for people to talk with me about my "presentation". However, I did finally one day have a manager that brought it up to me in a caring manner and offered to help. Made all the difference in the world. I am telling all of this because the direct report may not really know or understand how their behavior is perceived. Could be why she doesn't ask for the 1:1 meeting, she doesn't know that the questions she is asking should be handled "off-line". Maybe she just needs help in learning how to mange it , or some good coaching. - Just my 2 cents.

15. TiffanyNovember 8,2022 at 1:40PM UTC

    Perhaps your newest staff came from an environment where this behavior was permitted. You should should have a mandatory personal meeting with them and explain how things are operated at your organization and the circumstances if the office moral is disturbed. It also sounds as if you need to assert yourself too. Maybe an anonymous survey sent to your seven employees about your personal performance can show how you can improve your management style to keep people like your newest staff inline. The employee should not come in and try to undermine you especially in meetings. It sounds as if they’re trying to show off to gain positive attention but the way they are going about it is negative.

16. GirlBossanova934974November 8,2022 at 1:50PM UTC

    I think this one is really pretty simple. You control the open meetings. This sort of stuff happens all the time in regular meetings when they are people with differing viewpoints. I was in one of those meetings just yesterday. The solution is to call a STOP to the discussion when things get out of hand or the discussion drags on too long and eats up too much of the meeting. You simply need to say "We're going to SIDEBAR THIS ISSUE" and "MOVE ON" to the next topic. You can look to the direct report and offer to meet directly after the meeting or you can require it. The trick here is to point out to the direct report that excellent work and passion are appreciated but there is a fine line when "things can get out of control". Meeting times are expensive and if there are some issues that need to be explored in more detail, the best thing is to have a ONE ON ONE. There is NO need to come off here as "The Boss". I myself have worked in several companies where there were huge disputes in meetings. The solution was always to get the problems IRONED OUT BEFORE the meeting started. Everyone got their 2 cents in and felt "heard".

17. AnonymousNovember 8,2022 at 1:52PM UTC

    I think there is something deeper going on here.
    When I’ve seen this behavior amongst team members they were feeling unsupported and ignored especially if this is a new staff member. I would dig alittle deeper and see if I had some part in this situation being created. I think this staff person is frustrated about the way things are going. And they don’t feel comfortable doing a 1:1 with you and want to call you out because they probably don’t feel heard. When you reach out to her do so with gentleness and warmth-support. Also it might be good to bring someone else( as mentioned in other comments) into the conversation as they may be able to see what you don’t see in your communication/management style. However it could also be a poor fit overall (your management style and the new employees personality) but there is a lesson in everything.

18. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluNovember 8,2022 at 2:13PM UTC

    When she begins an "attack" during open meetings, respond that you appreciate her feedback, but would need documentation which supports her position. Encourage others at the meeting to do so as well, and that after reading their reports, you would use them to better inform your final decision. This strategy should help you distinguish between her posing these arguments to be a contrarian, or if she and others have valid viewpoints which could help your department reach it's goals in an efficient, evidence-based manner.

    This also fosters workplace cultural practice of openness, transparency, and presenting findings/viewpoints/strategies in a more thoughtful, fact or study-based way, which ultimately should strengthen your team/organization

19. Melissa VerdoniNovember 8,2022 at 2:22PM UTC

    they DO NOT get to decline a meeting with you , that's a write up .... do not let yourself be pushed around, and yes , ask for a report , research .... then they can't say u didn't consider it.

20. AliceNovember 8,2022 at 3:19PM UTC

    Agreed with what every else says. Two things I didn’t understand early in my career: 1. Credibility and 2. Recommendations- it’s your job as the boss to set the rules of engagement. I am someone in meetings who questions ideas and caculates risk. It was some helpful managers that explained to me that I could and needed to make alternative recommendations or have data to support my ideas. And it’s ok to question others ideas in a respectful manner. 2. You need to address this head on bc this becomes a credibility matter if the worker is just a naturally argumentative employee- yours and hers. Public behavior is usually congruent with private behavior. IMO. You don’t want this behavior to turn into something else. We also used to do think tanks which are creative meetings where criticisms are not welcome. Ideas only.

21. Latrice JoefieldNovember 8,2022 at 3:43PM UTC

    It's time to call HR to mediate! Absolutely not!

22. Kerry RoperNovember 8,2022 at 4:40PM UTC

    How new are they? A month? A year? Are these seven reports generally overworked? If she doesn't feel the need to meet 1:1, there is most definitely a bigger issue here. What do the other reports think of her? Do they lean into the arguments or attacks? Do they discount her?

23. AnonymousNovember 8,2022 at 5:11PM UTC

    Tell, don’t ask to meet. In the meeting, acknowledge the good work and let her know that her behavior in staff meetings is inappropriate. She may not even realize how she is coming off. If you think regular one on ones are needed, tell and don’t ask. You’re in charge. I understand she does good work. I also understand that there are plenty of people who do good work who also know how to act in open meetings.

24. Gaby CadenaNovember 8,2022 at 8:20PM UTC

    When dealing with a similar situation, I would consider what type of organizational culture lives in your company and how this may impact the interaction between you and this individual.

    Also, what type of leadership style does this individual best respond to? It is a common assumption that a power struggle is at hand, but it often is a matter of appropriate leadership style applied to various employees.

    Once these are considered, you may want to reflect on how you respond to their behavior. Maybe a meeting at a different time or an impromptu evaluation can start the conversation.

    Sometimes working with a mentor closely to sharpen your skills can be beneficial; after all, these are the situations that help you grow as a leader.

    Good luck. I would love to hear more about your story and the resolution you decided on. This could be a great learning experience for many leaders here.

25. Patricia ThomasNovember 11,2022 at 7:23PM UTC

    Hi Gaby- Thank you for your response. If I had posted anonymously, I could tell you the rest of the story, but alas, I did not and do not want info to go further than this thread! I have been a director here for 32 years and I report directly to the president. The environment is less than healthy and I am unable to make an impact on it. I appreciate your input and will definitely take it to heart.

    Thanks again!

26. AnonymousNovember 9,2022 at 1:35PM UTC

    There is a problem when an employee won't meet with a supervisor. You tell your reports what to do, you don't ask.

    Time for a PIP.

27. B. ChambersNovember 9,2022 at 1:35PM UTC

    As others have said, she doesn't get to "decline" to meet with you when there's a problem. More importantly, you shouldn't be asking and instead telling her that you need to speak with her about her behavior. It sounds like this type of behavior is happening because this person might believe that they can get away with it. Some have stated that it could be that she's unhappy or feeling ignored. I'd take it a step further and wonder if she's attention seeking or narcissistic. These days, it's not outside of the realm of possibility. So, when you have that meeting, I highly recommend making certain, for safety's sake, that it's in an office with open blinds so that others can see the two of you but not hear what is being said. Frankly, this type of behavior with a new hire is a red flag. It shows that they're not in the least bit concerned about making the right impression or losing their job, and that's worrisome.

28. AnonymousNovember 9,2022 at 1:35PM UTC

    Are you sure this person is actually attacking you? Some people like to explore ideas by looking at them from all sides, including those ways of viewing it not represented in the current presentation. This can maybe sound like an attack on the presenter, but the person doing it believes they are collaborating by helping to bring out alternative perspectives.

29. Patricia ThomasNovember 11,2022 at 7:14PM UTC

    Very good point! In retrospect, this may be exactly what is occurring. She is passionate and always thinks outside the box. I will work with her to find different ways to express herself that do not end up in an argument with her coworkers and eventually with me. Thank you!

30. AnonymousNovember 9,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

    I worked at a nonprofit for awhile, one that helps to lift underprivileged youth, and I did notice that there are people who are so caught up in the cause (or causes in general) that they get angry easily, and behave in a way that indicates we are in crisis. So, arguments ensue, they feel they are righteous and should be heard. These people are often those who feel a bit lost and find themselves attracted to social justice causes to find a place to belong, and they play out their own frustrations and isolations. I don't know if that's going on here, but just thought I'd throw that out here. Not all nonprofits are the same, or this way, as you know. So it's hard to say.

31. AnonymousNovember 9,2022 at 2:43PM UTC

    I've worked in a small nonprofit (team of 10) before so I can only pull from that experience. Oftentimes, I find that nonprofit are filled with people who are there for the right reasons and passion but they don't have the professionalism to maintain INTERNAL relationships. Emotions are always flaring up because "my project is the most important because it will impact X people."

    If you've asked her for meetings 2-3 times now with no response, it's time to have mediated discussions and PIP. In my role, we had a situation where the person was ultimately let go because she refused to be on PIP.

32. AnonymousNovember 9,2022 at 4:25PM UTC

    I have been an executive director for over 30 years at various non-profits. A common error leaders in non-profits often do is confuse enthusiasm with competency. Sounds as if this direct report may not have the professional skills to conduct themselves in a leadership role. If this direct report is arguing with you in a open meetings and refusing to meet with you, is she really doing "great work"? From my experience, if you no know address this quickly, you will undermine your leadership abilities with your team.

33. Patricia ThomasNovember 11,2022 at 7:12PM UTC

    Hi-

    Thank you for your response. I know that she is doing 'great work' by the feedback I get from stakeholders, funders, and contract agencies. She is young and new to her role. I promoted her, in part, because of her enthusiasm and attention to detail. I agree with you, she may lack the professional skills to do her job and effectively communicate issues that are important to her. That is an area I can focus on. Thanks again-

34. Valentina Huang, MBA, SHRM-CPNovember 9,2022 at 7:46PM UTC

    If she's the direct report, you can set the tone and schedule a meeting to discuss what happened in the 'meetings'. Its better to talk to her earlier rather than later - especially if they are still in the 90 day window.

    Is it also possible that she's not aware of her behavior? Some folks just don't know how they sound until someone brings it to their attention. Is this individual entry level? new to the professional world? Give grace but also make them aware of what your expectations are. Be clear and communicate them now.

35. AnonymousNovember 10,2022 at 7:07PM UTC

    I have worked for a nonprofit and before that worked in the private sector. I saw many positive things when I made this move but your experience is similar to my interactions with many of my peers!

    I find that in the nonprofit world, everyone is trying so hard to be inclusive that the decision-making process often gets hijacked and then relitigated over and over. I agree with others to speak with the employee but also setting standards with everyone moving forward. Some of the ones that I saw working were:

    1. Really being clear in meetings about whether you have a voice or a vote. Sometimes it's a thin line and a voice does not mean you have a vote - even when you really want one!
    2. Explaining that just because your idea or objection is not acted on is not because it's not a good one but rather it's not right for the organization right now. It might be at a later time but now is not the time.
    3. My boss at the time listened to a relitigation at exactly 2 meetings. After that the statement is "asked and answered, let's move on." Then there was a conversation with the direct supervisor unless that was her. Then she had a conversation with them.

    Last, remember that sometimes when staff does not feel like you are doing what they want because they are very committed to their cause, they can see any negative after they speak up as punishment or sad, to say, retaliation. Ensure that you document the good and the bad to ensure that should this happen, you have your ducks in a row. As a nonprofit, standards feel much higher and you don't want to be caught in the crossfire.

    Good Luck!

36. Patricia ThomasNovember 11,2022 at 7:08PM UTC

    I love this answer and the suggestions you made for me to try. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond!

37. AnonymousNovember 12,2022 at 2:35PM UTC

    Very insightful! "voice or a vote", "voice does not mean you have a vote". THIS! Its the misconception of "buy in" - most times the decision has been made and you are expected to agree. Being clear with people that you want to hear their concerns, but the decision has been made can make all the difference.