© 2022 Fairygodboss. All rights reserved.
Is it appropriate to ask junior professionals what their parents do?
A mentee of mine ( a year into her career) shared that she's often asked what her parents do by older colleagues making small talk. A question I am personally never asked now but also used to be a theme early in my career. Raised in a very low-income household, this question makes my mentee very uncomfortable and isn't something she'd like to share with more senior colleagues (or peers).
Would love to hear thoughts on how to handle this scenario. Individuals asking such a question clearly aren't considering the discomfort it can cause for many --what can we do about that?
Anonymous
09/03/20 at 4:13AM UTC
Thank you for such a thoughtful response, further illustrates the complexity of ‘small talk’. You do raise a fair point that the question could be a reflection of culture rather than a measuring stick. I’ll certainly recommend your strategies. However, I do think ‘small talk’ is an area that needs greater D&I attention.
Sharon Marks
Unapologetically opinionated
96
09/02/20 at 6:02PM UTC (Edited)
Some time ago I read an article that talked about the art of making small talk. In it, the author pointed out that the types of questions asked were usually representative of the region in which you lived. For example, in some areas where family and community are the driving force, it might not be uncommon to hear questions about who your parents are and what they did. In other areas, the question might be "What do you do?" Whereas in others it's considered taboo to lead with work related topics.
Either line of questioning can create an awkward or uncomfortable situation for one reason or another. Asking about one's parents could open old wounds if there was not a good relationship, if the person is orphaned, or there may be shame about parents' career choices, or in this case perhaps lack of opportunities.
If it's the latter and the parents did not have many opportunities and did the best they could, then perhaps you can help her identify and frame the wins in her story. Her parents persevered and overcame obstacles to help her achieve more than they did. Help her to see that she could praise their hard work and maybe the values they taught her.
If, on the other hand, the parents were absent or made poor decisions, it still means that she put in hard work and effort to achieve her success on her own, in which case she might pivot and say something to the effect of "I'm the first of my family to . What about you?" This gets the point across that she's no stranger to hard work and puts the attention elsewhere.
P.S. Subtlety fails on many people, and sometimes you have to be blunt to make a point. A very pointed "Why do you ask?" might help them see the error and/or open a path for deeper understanding and discussion.
© 2022 Fairygodboss. All rights reserved.