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Anonymous
05/29/20 at 3:59PM UTC
in
Lifestyle & Relationships

Why is saying my feelings "sensitive"?

Sometimes my SO says something insensitive--as we all inevitably do sometimes--but when I react saying how I feel, he gets upset and says I'm being sensitive. It just discourages me from saying how I feel when I'm angry! Has anyone else experienced this? I want to talk things out but I'm also too tired to keep putting up a fight.

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Lydia Gershman
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105
Independent Sales Representative
06/04/20 at 4:41PM UTC
I recommend this book: The Empath's Survival Guide : Life Strategies for Sensitive People Judith Orloff, MD
Anonymous
06/04/20 at 6:14PM UTC
Thanks, Lydia!
Kimberly Ellsworth
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41
Creative problem solver + UX Designer
06/03/20 at 9:11PM UTC
It sounds like HE'S sensitive to being called out when he's insensitive. Turn it back on him. Rather than justifying your feelings, ask him to explain his. "Why do you feel I'm being too sensitive?" "What reaction did you expect when you say 'xyz'?" "Why did you expect that reaction?" Your feelings are always valid and it sounds like there is potentially some miscommunication to be clarified. It's important to understand what his intent behind whatever he said, so that you can explain back what the actual impact of his words were.
Anonymous
06/04/20 at 6:14PM UTC
These are great questions, Kim! Thank you!
Anne Knox
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322
CMP
06/03/20 at 5:14PM UTC
It seems like a coping mechanism for you SO. It gets you flustered and stops the conversation. SO doesn't have to deal with the mistake and turns it on you. I would definitely have a conversation about this before it happens again where you both agree on how to handle it when it occurs again. This lets you have a more rational discussion without the emotions of the moment
Anonymous
06/04/20 at 6:14PM UTC
This is a great idea, Anne, thank you!
Chelsea J.
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203
Senior Software Engineer, Frontend
06/02/20 at 9:43PM UTC
I've struggled with this in my own life. In the past I've asked, "What reasons do you have for believing my sensitivity is wrong?" Sometimes it's because I said something accusatory without providing context, and I was out of out of line (and willing to admit it). Sometimes, his personal narrative and story clouded his judgement and he was out of line (and willing to admit it). This might be an opportunity to come up with an agreement on how you both communicate your feelings in a way that is respectful but validating for both.
Anonymous
06/03/20 at 3:21PM UTC
Thank you Chelsea, for sharing! That's a great perspective - I'll definitely use that line in the future.
Lydia Gershman
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105
Independent Sales Representative
05/29/20 at 7:03PM UTC
In the words of Hannah Gatsby, when told to stop being so sensitive, " Why is insensitivity something to strive for? I feel a little bit like a nose being lectured by a fart."
Kerry Alsheimer
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51
Entertainer & Organizer in Buffalo, NY
06/11/20 at 2:29PM UTC
Haha that is amazing!
Anonymous
06/03/20 at 3:21PM UTC
I love that, Lydia!!
Kerry Alsheimer
star-svg
51
Entertainer & Organizer in Buffalo, NY
05/29/20 at 4:08PM UTC
I know how you feel. I've been in this situation a bunch of times, both as a child with family and as an adult with my past partners...and still with family. ;-) From what I've come to understand over the years, we are all born with the ability to feel and empathize, but over our lifetimes we maintain that ability to varying degrees. So it could be that your SO isn't as tuned in to his feelings, and honestly doesn't understand how you could be reacting this way. He could also be using it to make himself more comfortable, and to as you indicated, get you too tired to keep putting up a fight. i am absolutely not a relationship counselor, and I don't have any other context to your relationship, so only you can really weigh in on why he's doing this, but what I know FOR SURE, is that you should never feel like you can't express your feelings. If you're like me, you may need to take some time to cool down and formulate how best to express yourself, but especially in a significant relationship like this, your feelings are SUPER important. Being sensitive is a beautiful thing and should not be weaponized.
Anonymous
06/03/20 at 3:21PM UTC
Thank you, Kerry, for sharing your experience and this advice! This is great insight. I want to empathize but also need to stick up for myself.

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