Why is saying my feelings 'sensitive'?

Question

Sometimes my SO says something insensitive--as we all inevitably do sometimes--but when I react saying how I feel, he gets upset and says I'm being sensitive. It just discourages me from saying how I feel when I'm angry! Has anyone else experienced this? I want to talk things out but I'm also too tired to keep putting up a fight.

Kerry Alsheimer · Answer

I know how you feel.  I've been in this situation a bunch of times, both as a child with family and as an adult with my past partners...and still with family. ;-)
From what I've come to understand over the years, we are all born with the ability to feel and empathize, but over our lifetimes we maintain that ability to varying degrees. 
So it could be that your SO isn't as tuned in to his feelings, and honestly doesn't understand how you could be reacting this way.  He could also be using it to make himself more comfortable, and to as you indicated, get you too tired to keep putting up a fight.
i am absolutely not a relationship counselor, and I don't have any other context to your relationship, so only you can really weigh in on why he's doing this, but what I know FOR SURE, is that you should never feel like you can't express your feelings. If you're like me, you may need to take some time to cool down and formulate how best to express yourself, but especially in a significant relationship like this, your feelings are SUPER important. Being sensitive is a beautiful thing and should not be weaponized.

Lydia Gershman · Answer

I recommend this book:  
The Empath's Survival Guide : Life Strategies for Sensitive People
Judith Orloff, MD

Kimberly Ellsworth · Answer

It sounds like HE'S sensitive to being called out when he's insensitive. Turn it back on him. Rather than justifying your feelings, ask him to explain his. 
'Why do you feel I'm being too sensitive?' 
'What reaction did you expect when you say 'xyz'?' 
'Why did you expect that reaction?' 
Your feelings are always valid and it sounds like there is potentially some miscommunication to be clarified. It's important to understand what his intent behind whatever he said, so that you can explain back what the actual impact of his words were.

Anne Knox · Answer

It seems like a coping mechanism for you SO.  It gets you flustered and stops the conversation.  SO doesn't have to deal with the mistake and turns it on you.  I would definitely have a conversation about this before it happens again where you both agree on how to handle it when it occurs again.  This lets you have a more rational discussion without the emotions of the moment

Chelsea J. · Answer

I've struggled with this in my own life. In the past I've asked, 'What reasons do you have for believing my sensitivity is wrong?' Sometimes it's because I said something accusatory without providing context, and I was out of out of line  (and willing to admit it). Sometimes, his personal narrative and story clouded his judgement and he was out of line (and willing to admit it). This might be an opportunity to come up with an agreement on how you both communicate your feelings in a way that is respectful but validating for both.

Lydia Gershman · Answer

In the words of Hannah Gatsby, when told to stop being so sensitive, ' Why is insensitivity something to strive for?   I feel a little bit like a nose being lectured by a fart.'

Why is saying my feelings "sensitive"?

You're invited.

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