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Anonymous

09/08/20 at 6:36PM UTC

Career

Rebounding from a Career Setback

What would you advice someone who exited a toxic work culture and are dreading moving forward due to fear of recurring psychological abuse? I believe they have been mourning what was the peak of their career, months of lost income, and psychological safety. 1- Exit Questionnaire. They are in distress about completing their exit questionnaire months later, but feel they should report what happened to them. Is that wise? Or will they enter in a 'she said/he said' situation. As well, they are fearful that their responses won't be anonymous/will impact their references. 2- Moving Forward. I'm concerned that what they experienced resulted in internalized, harmful beliefs about their self-worth that manifested in (1) severe fear and anticipatory anxiety, and (2) self-sabotage at the slightest hint of returning to a job environment. In the long term, I am hopeful that mentors can support them in better navigating conflict, signs of abuse, as well as organizational politics/group dynamics at senior-level positions. However, in the short term, what would you advice them in order to move past the state of fear toward acceptance, recovery, accountability, and empowerment? They internalized the "you teach people how to treat you" approach and are at a standstill about how to prompt different treatment from others in the future. Since this is about their health/income/livelihood first, and their career trajectory second, I think I'd advice them to consider pivoting to a different role/industry to move away from the trauma. However, they are concerned about how to navigate the mental health conversation with a potential employer, the possibility of a (back door) bad reference, and the possibility of future abuse. Thoughts?

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Sacha Seraydarian

131

09/08/20 at 9:29PM UTC

Hello! I am so sorry to hear about this, I have been through a similar situation. The trauma left behind in a toxic work environment can be devastating . My recommendation is to find a therapist and a career coach right away. I would also have the person write out everything that happened, how it made them feel and add-in some additional color on their feels of injustice. Writing everything out in a personal journal helps you "see" more clearly and helps with moving on. I found writing everything down very cathartic for me and help me move through the emotions & injustice of the abuse. I know that bulling and toxic cultures are not considered illegal at the moment, but I would recommend that the person seek legal council to learn more about their rights. They don't need to take legal action, but it is important to know your rights. Not knowing the company I would have to say that I wouldn't be honest on the exit survey and I would be honest on ALL external facing review platforms.

Anonymous

09/09/20 at 12:10PM UTC (Edited)

Your recommendation on seeking legal council with the intention to learn about their rights is on point. I think the knowledge could potentially have an 'empowering' impact and manage the anticipation of 'what if this happens again.'

User deleted comment on 09/09/20 at 12:08PM UTC

Madhu

Agile Product Management

09/15/20 at 9:55PM UTC (Edited)

I went through a similar work situation where the entire team that hired me either quit or was let go within a span of a month and I was transferred to a different team that quite frankly, didn't want me. In another month I was let go as well. The work politics and the drama that I was faced with was overwhelming and my then-spouse was unsupportive too. I healed myself through constant interactions with my close friends and family and generally keeping myself busy. It took a long while but I got there. Reading about your friend, I feel that they will need a listening ear and constant encouragement and validation to bring them out of the toxic mindset that they have been conditioned into. You, or anyone as their friend must have a lot of patience to be a cheerleader for them during this tough time. Although, it may seem daunting to them now, landing a new job at a reputed company (check FairyGodBoss and Glassdoor for reviews before applying) will actually give them the confidence and show them that they're worthy and nothing can change that.

Cindy Carlson

Shifting Gears........

09/08/20 at 8:07PM UTC

I could have wrote this myself - And I have the "toxic" information in WRITING.......

Anonymous

09/08/20 at 7:10PM UTC

They should seek therapy most definitely. The questionnaire will become a he said she said unless they have written proof. they'd be better off putting neutral responses or lying positive ones for the references, and then leaving a real review on Glassdoor. Have them practice mindfulness and join virtual job seeker groups local to them, try looking up the local career center nearest them for help. As to the back door bad reference, they can provide other references, and say"I worked at TOXIC Co for years, I chose to leave due to wanting a change in working environment, they didn't seem to take it well, and I wanted to give you a heads up in case that comes up when you do a reference check" Just don't address it until it is time to have references checked, most businesses can only say if a person has worked at a place and cannot legally in some states give out any more information. I would also recommend they join some mental health and improving your confidence webinars, or to read a self help book/podcast. If they take even the littlest baby steps towards improving themselves, they'll feel as if they have more control and become more empowered. As to navigating the impasse in regards to the prompting different treatment from others, I will provide the advice from my therapist that changed my life: "You cannot control the actions of others, only your reaction to it." Essentially, they need to act confident even if they don't feel it. They need to react to the situations how they want to. An improv class might be able to help them with this soft skill building in addition to therapy. Even try a TTRPG like Dungeons and Dragons, it seems unconventional, but they could practice portraying the idealized version of themselves and navigating that through interpersonal and other conflicts.

Claudia

667

Current events call for adapting new solutions.

09/08/20 at 7:06PM UTC

I actually went through this. Getting a new job that was good and healthy made me realize how much like leaving a toxic and abusing relationship it can be. I don't usually say this, but be the bigger person on the exit interview. If there is nothing that cane be done through HR in order to remedy the situation, you gain nothing from outing vengeful comments there. Maybe if you were leaving and retiring, but then...I've seen that as well. It changes nothing. The toxic people assume that person is gone along with their influence, and they continue warping things to their own uses once you leave. Also, taking the high road is better for your self worth in the long run, as it will bring you more peace. Unfortunately, this isn't something you can discuss with a potential employer - interview or otherwise. It is too personal, too emotional, and will turn off a great deal of hiring managers. If they interview and get the job, then absolutely I would have that conversation with your manager. I did that with mine and he was very understanding and supportive. Once the offer to hire is out, they typically want to invest in you, and are willing to put forth the extra effort to make sure you are comfortable and safe. If they like what they do in their industry/role, I would say stay with it. If not, or if the abuse is somehow part of the industry normal, then definitely consider a move. I know I did. Some positions you will do the same kind of work with a different focus, and it can be very helpful in expanding your horizons to unknown possibilities. As a more personal side note, I have been out of my personal hell (that almost killed me and made me ill) for about a year and a half. For the first 6 months I was asking permission for things my managers would look at me and say 'why are you asking permission? you have the authority to go do it.' Sometimes, things would happen and I would ask a question if it was okay, and they would look at me a little like I was crazy for asking if it was okay. It takes time to change your mindset after this. It's okay to give yourself patience and forgiveness while you remember what normal feels like. I still have my moments, but now I genuinely know what it's like to be respected, heard, and a part of something. It gets better.

Cindy Carlson

Shifting Gears........

09/08/20 at 8:10PM UTC

Thank you for sharing this....Gives me hope

Barb Hansen

6.66k

Startup Product, Growth & Strategy

09/08/20 at 6:56PM UTC

My advice to your colleague/friend: Wake up every morning and tell themselves that they had nothing to do with the sh*t they went through. Get some mental health support, immediately. If they are worried about a future employer getting hold of their medical record, then, if they can, pay for a few months of "Better Help" or similar program. I would not suggest a career/industry pivot, because if they have invested time and energy into their career, why should they let a person or a company take what they love away from them. Of course, if an industry pivot is the next career move for them (outside of the abuse), then go for it.