This grave mentor mistake was a disservice to my career

Question

I’ve had a lot of mentors in my career and I’ve realized that I favor advisers who are positive, cheerleader-types. I haven’t found a tough talker who really voices his/her experiences in a brutally honest way. In a way, the cheerleader type gives me a confidence boost but now that I’m becoming a mentor myself, I also think it’s a disservice to not take the hard conversation route more often than not. Curious, what kind of mentors do you prefer? And/or what kind of mentor are you? Do you prefer a cheerleader or a tough talker?

Lauren Castelluzzo · Answer

Great conversation! I have always found it helpful to start with the positive by saying things like 'great presentation today.... you were really organized.... I appreciate your attempt to do XYZ, BUT here's what I think we can work on and here is why.' In my experience, people are more open to constructive feedback if they don't feel like they are being attacked or feel like they failed. As a mentor, I also like to help offer solutions like practicing presentations or reviewing emails/written proposals and I always make myself available to bounce ideas off each other. Regardless of the hierarchy, I truly believe in the one team one dream mindset.

Krista Haugner Sieg, MBA · Answer

Hey ladies,

As I am reading this string today, something bugging me.  Why are we calling positive feedback coupled with ways to continue to build 'tough' mentoring?  That's part of mentoring and coaching.  Would we be having this same conversation with our male colleagues or is this tied to the breakdown of women getting actionable feedback? (Ex. the 'good job' feedback with no details about what made it good.)

I expect a good mentor to say something like, 'You did a great job in the presentation today.  It was well organized, delivered content at the right level, and you had the detail to back it up.  When transitioning to a colleague, by saying 'You are probably tired of hearing my voice so over to X' it diminishes the great work you are doing.  I've made the mistake of using that transition myself. Next time, try something like, 'Thank you for your time; up next is X to speak about Y.''

Am I out of line here ladies?

Clydene Horrigan · Answer

Love this conversation! Question for those that answered. When talking about mentoring, are your experiences with direct reports or someone outside your chain if command (up or down)? I ask because while I have had some great bosses in my career that have given great feedback, I’ve never had a true mentor who wasn’t my boss.

Shaynne Witherspoon · Answer

As an educator, mentor, Life Coach/Strategist, Minister, authorpreneur,  and speaker, I find that one person can help in areas that others may not, and for this particular question, I would suggest that you get a different range of people in your circle to help elevate you in the way to which you want your life to go.

Let's take, for instance, our personal finances in consideration as an example for discussion.  'Would you as a health coach would prescribes physical exercise to assistance in building your personal portfolio or cleaning your personal credit?' The answer would be a definite 'NO' because that is not there expertise.

We as human beings need both the cheerleading and the critiques, so  I would suggest that you begin to surround yourself with mentors in various areas of your life.  Remember, a mentor is not the same as a coach, because a mentor will get in your face and tell it like it is where it concerns that your character or skills need adjusting.  A coach is someone who will only be allowed to go as far as your personal goals will stretch you because you are in an agreement type relationship.

So, when asking whether you need a mentor or a coach, know what you want to achieve, and then you can move forward in actually governing yourselves accordingly.

Annetta Moses · Answer

I believe the most important quality that I want in a mentor is concern for my career. There may be times when I need a 'cheerleader' and other times 'a tough talker'.  A mentor needs to be truthful which means every conversation will not have 'good news'.

Tammy Wever · Answer

I think you need both!  In order to grow you need someone to point out your flaws or areas of growth, but at the same time you don't want to be hit over the head. 'Speak the truth in love.'

Leslie Caleb · Answer

It is very insightful reading these various points of view and experiences. I have been mentored and coached and had the opportunity to mentor myself and I must say is not a easy mission on either side. So thank you to all coaches and mentors for their time and service!!

As we work with different personalities we must crack the code to build trust and understand the needs of mentees, clients and also communicate bluntly expectations to mentors/coaches.  I feel that communication should be open and request the the type of feedback we need in a specific situation.

For instance as a mentee I always had a few questions ready, mostly asking about their experience and how they would have handled the situation, Than I'd ask their opinion about how ' I handled it' and what could I have done better.

As I mentor I asked question as well, and let the mentee decide the tone and direction we want to go. I mostly had military members and spouses and they like direct and concise feedback.

Audience analysis is crucial, however in my opinion the ton should be kept respectful and positive to give the relationship an opportunity to grow.

Beth Caldwell · Answer

Great topic!I personally am more of a cheerleader, but I also have the highest expectations for my coaching clients. I create goals for them that are usually much higher than they normally reach for and then I cheer them on. THAT WORKS! For me personally, I prefer accountability and strategy more than praise.

Cockson68 · Answer

You can have both. The brutal honest should not be designed to destroy your confidence but illicit inward reflection.

This grave mentor mistake was a disservice to my career

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