How to train my husband to 'complete the task'?

Question

I've been with my husband for almost 8 years and we recently had our first baby. Maybe it's my hormones or the stress from us both being at home all the time, but I'm finding it hard to cope with his inability to 'complete the task.' Every time he does chores, he never finishes them 100%. He'll bathe our son but leave a mess in the bathroom, or wash and dry the laundry but not fold the clean clothes. I love that he's helping out but I really don't want to keep finishing these tasks for him. Does anyone else deal with this? Any tips?

SFGirl · Answer

Explain to him that management is a job. By forcing you to manage him he is giving you extra work that you don't have the energy for. Tell him that caring for a newborn and managing him is very stressful. If he is competent at work he should be able to be competent at home so your first few months with the baby can be a happy time. Also remind him that the baby feels your stress so he's also putting stress on a newborn.

Renee Jackman · Answer

oooh girl! If you are able to get your husband to actually do one task from start of finish without getting side tracked then you need to start a consulting firm and help other wives with this (I will happily be your first client). My husband and I also have an infant who is our first child, he tries very hard to help out but we also have issues with him not finishing a task. I balance how much it annoys me with how to lovingly tell him that it's driving me nuts. I have started a 'before we go to bed' type walk through to make sure we don't leave things a complete disaster because waking up to a mess is more than I can handle. Going through the house together helps to make sure everything gets done and because we are doing it together it goes really quick.

Abbey Thompson · Answer

First of all, please remember that he's not 'helping out' - that implies that ALL of those chores belong to you, and that he's just helping you with them out of the kindness of his heart. This is a common misconception, very similar to how when women are taking care of their children it's seen as 'parenting' but men taking care of their children is seen and described as mere 'babysitting,' which by its own definition is a part-time endeavor.  The way we frame these issues really does matter!

Also, a lot of men don't realize the amount of emotional labor women have to do to 'manage' them in the home. We're expected to 'have it all' and juggle career, motherhood, and housework without breaking a sweat, while men can put in the bare minimum around the house and expect a gold star for 'helping out.' It's neither fair nor right, and it's not your job to be his manager with these types of things.

That said, you need to have a frank discussion with him about this and not pull any punches. Explain exactly how it's making you feel, and how exhausting it is to manage everything else and then add his bit on top. Tell him that it's the kind of behaviors that leads to resentment, which isn't something you want to feel for him. Don't coddle him, and you don't need to fluff up his ego by praising the work he's already doing (unless in some other way he's gone above and beyond...). If he's not completing these chores, it creates more physical AND emotional labor for you, which you then have to fit into your already busy schedule of both. He's a grown man and a father now, he needs to be able to look around and notice that the chores aren't done until they're FULLY done without being reminded of it by a woman in his life!

Just having to initiate the conversation itself is yet more emotional labor! Remember that we're socialized really, really early to avoid 'nagging' in relationships. All those jokes about high-maintenance wives who constantly 'nag' their poor, beleaguered husbands... Well, the biggest thing I learned from my failed first marriage (where it took way too long for me to stand up for myself and my own needs) was that 'nagging' is something ONLY women are afraid of doing, and it's an incredibly gendered word. Men are almost never labeled as someone who 'nags' in relationships; the only time it's ever applied to men is when it's used more as an emasculating put-down than a description of his actual behavior. Well don't fall for it. 9 times out of 10, a 'nagging' woman is merely fed up with the man in their life NOT doing the things he said he'd do, or in your case, not completing them. I say all of us should nag as much as we need to until we get the point across. Coddling men and cajoling them into being FULL partners in housework and child-rearing simply doesn't work.

I've heard so many times about men who say things like 'if you need me to do [x], you just have to ask!', thinking it's a totally fair thing to ask of a partner. But the act of knowing what needs to get done, how to get done properly, when it needs to get done by, and how often... remember that those are all SKILLS that take a lot of time and mental energy! I usually explain it like this: meal-planning and going to the grocery store seems like a simple, concrete task with a beginning, middle, and end. You decide what to cook and make a grocery list, you go to the store, buy everything on the list, then bring it home and put it away. But there are so many extra layers to this chore: Thinking about what you'll be cooking in the coming days/weeks and planning ahead for what ingredients those meals need, knowing what other ingredients could be substituted if the store is out of the one you need, knowing whether or not any staple products are about to run out (flour, sugar, etc.), knowing what's already in your fridge that you can use, knowing what veggies or fruits are reaching the end of their usable lives and remembering to eat those first.... the list goes on and on.

So many household chores have these kinds of hidden mental costs than men don't see half the time. I think it's good to have an open and honest discussion about it, explain to him the PASSIVE harm in his actions. You can do it!

M · Answer

have him read this comic about emotional load: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

maybe he'll respond to it

Karen Berger · Answer

Open communication is key.  Having a newborn is wonderful but a lot of work, and I understand the frustration of him doing the bath but then leaving the bathroom a mess.  You should have a conversation with him, letting him know how you feel and what you would like to see.  Otherwise, the resentment can build up, which is not healthy.

Maggie B · Answer

Being at home all the time constantly is bringing up a LOT of this kind of stuff for everyone.  And it's likely that he's *always* been like this and you just haven't noticed or minded because now you're stuck together. 
Open communication is huge.  Have the conversation.  Talk about it.  Find out what's stopping him from completing the task.  I agree with Randi - it's likely that his 'definition of done' is very different from yours, and you need to come up with that common definition.

Randi Levin · Answer

Everyone's definition of 'done' is different. He did the bath, he did the laundry. For him, the task is complete. Perception is different for different people. Best tip is to make sure that you are praising him for doing the job and showing appreciation, but giving him a simple 2 or 3 step cheat sheet for getting the task done. Tell him, honey....love that you bathed our son...such a big help...would you be able to also do a once over in the bathroom later. So appreciate it!

Lauren Castelluzzo · Answer

Hi! I try to approach it like a team (although sometimes it is easier said than done)… like I will do ABC if you can do XYZ; or a little positive reinforcement with 'thank you for doing the laundry, can you also fold the clothes?' Sometimes we forget that people aren't mind readers so we have to be honest about what we need done. Hopefully he'll start to pick up on it and stop taking the short cuts!

How to train my husband to "complete the task"?

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