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Anonymous
09/15/20 at 11:12PM UTC (Edited)
in
Career

"Nasty" or "Assertive"?

I was recently reminded of a time when I communicated clearly and assertively with a consultant, after he had ignored my earlier, less direct attempts at conveying the point. He was billing the project for work that had already been transferred to another consultant (and he knew about it and was told to stop doubling up efforts, but had continued to "work with" the other consultant to bill more hours by staying unnecessarily involved). In response, he called to tattle to my boss, saying that I'd been "nasty" to him. Here's the part where I'd love to say that my boss told him that I was in charge and was doing what was best for the project. But no, that didn't happen. Instead, within earshot of the team I was supervising at the time (I was not in the office), he soothed the whiny consultant, apologized for my "nastiness" and assured him he didn't have to listen to me, since I wasn't really in charge. My team told me what had happened when I got back to the office. I was so embarrassed and that was the day I literally, and figuratively, took my pictures and personal stuff home and began to hatch a plan to move forward and away. My boss did close the loop by scolding me for being "nasty" to the consultant, and which time I shared how he'd been intentionally overbilling the project and I was managing the budget and team as required. I set boundaries and did my job, but my heart wasn't really in it anymore. It took another year for me to find a graceful path forward, and I look back with many positive memories of lessons learned. Long term it just wasn't the place for me though, and I found a better path because of my willingness to look for new possibilities. I wish the same for all of you. Learn as much as you can where you are, and move along when you know in your gut the time is right. And take time to do it on your own terms. There are always new options out there, oftentimes greater and more exciting that we can even imagine.

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Janice Enoch
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81
Associate Director
09/21/20 at 3:54PM UTC
I applaud the way you handled the situation. I would not categorize your actions as being "nasty", I think you were being assertive and responsible. Thank goodness you were able to land another position. In my opinion your old boss will suffer in the end, and you will prosper.
Elizabeth Ragone
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147
Direct to Consumer Leader
09/21/20 at 12:11PM UTC
This is so disappointing to hear. It sounds like you handled it as well as you could, and started working to change your situation. My advice is to keep your boss updated regularly on your work and how things are going--it inherently increases their confidence in how you're handling it, or gives them an opportunity to say: you need to handle this one carefully, or give some other feedback. Bosses hate being surprised; and hate having people complain about their team. Doesn't excuse how much of a jerk your boss was! But going forward no matter who you work for, is a good rule to keep bosses fully aware of your work and the dynamics you're dealing with (especially when it was one that was truly negative/costly to the company, and you were handling so well!)
Jennifer Haje
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212
Real Estate Agent
09/18/20 at 8:35PM UTC
Thank you for being courageous for speaking your truth and sharing your story. In my experience, some people are intimidated by a strong woman. Too often, they are labeled nasty which is not true. It’s not you, keep being direct and honest.
Hannah Magro
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25
Respiratory Therapist in Vermont
09/17/20 at 8:03PM UTC
Great job at staying your ground!! You stuck to your values and wasn’t swayed by what your boss had said. You absolutely did the right thing in finding a better place for you to flourish. Way to go lady!!!!!
Anonymous
09/17/20 at 3:05PM UTC
My contract is up at my job and to be honest, I am grateful that it is because I have not been happy there for a long time, all with workplace bullying and lack of camaraderie... I was ultimately really sad being there. But, just like you noted, instead of being sad about the way things were, take with you all the positives and the the things you have learned. And that is something I am trying to keep in mind every day until my contract is up.
Anonymous
09/16/20 at 7:21PM UTC
Just this morning I had to check a colleague who thought he'd undermine my role in front of our consultants by saying he didn't agree with the whole premise of the conversation (which I initiated) and that he'd never in all his years of amazing experience had he ever had such a conversation (so we were basically wasting his precious time). He did it with a blithe laugh and faux friendliness and then tried to hustle along to the next topic. Turns out today's the day I'm done with this weird passive undermining habit he's created in the last couple months and stepped in to explain the reasoning. He interrupted to say that wouldn't be necessary since he already knew. I said if he knew then he wouldn't have asked(!) I continued discussing it and he continued interrupting and saying I was being "aggressive" for insisting I finish my statement without his interruptions. Ridiculous. Eventually he buttoned it up and we finished the meeting. I know I'll need to initiate a post mortem convo to try to figure out how we can more productively manage the work and communicate as a united team with outside consultants. Essential but not looking forward to it. Wish me luck.
Estar Upia
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659
Business Ops Professional
09/16/20 at 6:46PM UTC
Great message. Many people fear stepping out to find better because they don't believe there's better, but there is! I hope everyone reads this - very encouraging.
Kay Fittes
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164
"Stepping Over the Obstacles"
09/16/20 at 5:11PM UTC
No doubt this was challenging for you to assertively deal with this consultant, congratulations. It's important to remember that the double bind of assertiveness continues in the workplace. Often women as admonished to be more assertive and when they are, they are reprimanded. When we change our behavior, whatever the behavior, we are changing the rules of the game. Most people want to keep the rules just the way they are because they understand them. It will take consistency of the new behavior to create a new climate. Plus, many people are not aware of their own biases. When you experience the kind of unconscious bias you did with your boss, it is an opportunity to shift awareness. To point out the double standard to your boss may not have been something you were ready to do but you can consider it for the future. When we are silent we perpetuate the stereotype. It can be intimidating, frightening and risky to take a stand but it can be empowering, too. Good luck in starting out with the type of behavior that empowers you and others in your new opportunity.
Anonymous
09/16/20 at 1:27AM UTC
There have been times when it was implied that I was “nasty” and I thought I was being “assertive” so I asked the person who brought it up how they would have handled the situation. Oftentimes when the person answering this is the opposite gender I then ask how they would feel if a female said that to them in this situation. This can backfire spectacularly depending on the person but it can also be very eye opening about the double standard women face.
Maggie McKeon
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30
Client Success Analyst in Dallas
09/16/20 at 1:25AM UTC
I had an experience like this once with my manager at the very first company I worked for. A client called very upset and when I could not provide them with the answer they were looking for, they immediately called my manager. This manager unfortunately, within earshot of me, told this client she would talk to me about my "behavior" and gave the client her personal cell phone number to contact her if she ever had another problem with me. It was extremely upsetting and I felt, yet again, that I had no support. Sometimes you have to tell a client no, and while it can be unpleasant, you need your team to back you up. Good for you for using this as a learning experience and now you know what you will not put up with when it comes to what you look for in an employer!

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