Problems with coworker

Anonymous

August 24,2022 at 9:12PM UTC

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Problems with coworker

This coworker (I think she is in her early 20s) has started to finish her shift later (she works remotely) and has been coming to me to help her finish her work when it's past her shift time.

I finish at 5, so I still have my own work to complete, but her argument is that "nobody helps" her. She complained to her boss (who happens to be mine) and she contacted me over Skype saying that our boss was being rude and talking to her like she was 5.

She sent me a screenshot of what he wrote, and to be honest, the guy is just blunt and personally is very no-nonsense from what I could see. Her argument was that he was telling her to "shut up" but from what I could see he basically wrote "we are all very busy with people off so get on with your work".

She used to have daily 40 to 1 hour long conversations with me over Skype about the problems she has at work, but she has been struggling with personal issues outside of her job - her grandfather (he had problems before about a year ago), her dog and her boyfriend (who she no longer lives with from what she says)

She has fallen out with her friend who works on the same team recently and who started the same time as her (she told me her boss, his boss and her friend were all called into a meeting in the building) about conversations she wrote to this friend in group chats on Teams that was picked up, and says that during the meeting the managers didn't see anything her way and they want to get rid of her because they told her they were going to go through HR and the disciplinary process.

She also clashes regularly with two other women who are under my boss's boss, saying they bitch about her and she does not come out on any social events arranged with the department because she says she doesn't like anyone on the team.

She tells me she threatened our boss with going to HR about him and asked him for a contact for HR, but he refused to give her a contact. She told me she has been looking for external jobs because she says our company is a "shit hole".

I feel awful saying no to her requests for help, but she's been working with us for 3 years and management are getting pretty tired of her constantly saying she doesn't know what she's doing.

Do I escalate to the boss about this?

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AnonymousAugust 24,2022 at 9:14PM UTC
Just to note, she writes comments via Skype to me about how she feels about the job and the workload and says that the whole work environment is "f****ing disgusting" and "toxic".
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 12:07AM UTC
Then she can walk. She wants someone to help her be a victim! Don't fall into this crap!
She's a woman and SHE can search for new work!!!
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 10:16AM UTC
I’ve had similar situations where a coworker would call me for over an hour to complain about another coworker. I unfortunately talked to her because I wanted to be “nice” and I knew she ran to HR when someone upset her. I would absolutely not work past your time to help and tell her your behind on your work if she comes to you doing work. Don’t answer Skype, say you don’t want to get in trouble for talking too much if you need to. I would just remove myself as much as possible from her or your work will suffer because you are busy doing her job.
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 1:15PM UTC
Tell her to stop... just plain and simple. You're not HR... if she has a problem she can contact them. There's professional way to tell this women to leave you alone and out of the drama and "feelings" of it all. Be objective... "I know your frustrated but I'm trying to focus and am not the person to help. Contact HR. and In the future please don't contact me to complain about work."
AnonymousAugust 24,2022 at 10:05PM UTC
nope don’t that might set u up. U need to learn to set healthy boundaries. She keeps coming to you bc you make yourself available so from now on don’t. Come up with any and every excuse to say you are unavailable from being on another call to you have fallen behind in work. It is not your job to help her unless your boss specifically assigned you that role which is what I don’t see here. You run the risk of being sucked into her chaos if you continue to let her show you conversations between her and her boss.. she is collecting evidence and showing you so that when and if she files a complaint she can use you as someone she shared these problems with. So don’t fall for the trap, not everyone is worth saving or helping. If she already has problems with 70% of the staff, she is likely not a good fit and you don’t want to be sucked into her black hole when the shit hits the fan. Don’t respond to her private calls, keep same time messages over teams or emails brief and vague. If she tries to extend the convo, either do not respond at all or say sorry I’m really busy,
SLTAugust 25,2022 at 1:29AM UTC
I couldn't have said it better myself!
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 11:32AM UTC
Thanks SLT! I hope she detaches from this toxic person before she drags her down.
AnonymousAugust 24,2022 at 10:06PM UTC
Why are you so invest in this person's personal details and all the gossip and blow by blows about her?
You either have boundaries and want to enforce them or you want to help keep her work caught up. The tedious long conversations you allow is your choice.
You can professionally control all of this and allow just the interaction you can afford and still maintain your performance.
If you're having trouble balancing your work and her needs then speak with a colleague or your boss to help you sort it out. But at the end of the day you are responsible for your performance. Anything beyond that is your personal choice.
SLTAugust 25,2022 at 12:02AM UTC
I'd tell her that you can set up a time to help BEFORE 5P.
If it's feasible for YOU!!!!!!!
If you are busy as I am sure you are, tell her you can't as you have other obligations. Does she REALLY want help or a way to further drag you to her drama? (I think we know the answer!)
If she's unable to work with YOUR schedule, then forget it. Like your boss said, everyone is busy!
If she complains and/or doesn't show up and *boss comes to you first*, tell him the plan and how she flakes or bailed. In the meantime, you are busy as well!! Id say nothing to the boss unless asked; he knows her issues.
Be decent as I know you are but definitely set boundaries. It's up to HER for failure or success!!
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 12:29AM UTC
Reading this post gives me anxiety because my response to every single paragraph is the same: not your problem!
Why do you continue to allow yourself to be involved in this nonsense? This person is an adult, a grown woman in a professional setting. Stop engaging with her. NO is a complete sentence.
When she sends you screenshots on convos with the boss: please stop sending these to me.
When she belly-aches about her dog, boyfriend or recent spat with her BFF: my focus from 9-5 is work!
The tension with other women on your team: doesn’t involve you, ignore it!
Her threats to go to HR over your boss: get as far away from this as possible.
My god, extricate yourself from this drama! You’re going to be perceived as a willing participant in this woman’s vortex and you’ll end up losing your job. Remove yourself from this situation, say ‘I regret you’re feeling like that’ and shut the conversation down!
As others have said, set some boundaries. You’re allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat. Continue to remain involved and this will undoubtedly come back to bite you in the ass.
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 1:27AM UTC
I work with a person just like this!!
Omg.... Arrrrgh!!
To the original poster:
If you see her, say a cheerful good morning/night. Otherwise set boundaries and keep it about work. And set boundaries again! She'll drag you down - trust me.
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 10:14AM UTC
Exactly…people like this will drag you down!
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 12:49AM UTC
I think you need to take huge look at your behavior and what you're doing.
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 1:42AM UTC
I don’t know if I’m the best to answer here..
for me this coworker could use some support. However if you help that’s great and I think she would really appreciate it. But ensure you set some boundaries with regard to that support before you offer it because if you say yes to helping her you’ll have to say no to something else. Also, dont forget to take care of yourself and your career.
SLTAugust 25,2022 at 2:20AM UTC
I like this advice!!
Definitely be friendly (a working relationship) but be vigilant that you set boundaries so she doesn't suck you dry. A no-drama zone.
I work with a person like this. I walk to get the mail with her but also limit my time with her (kinda keep the peace but set my limits).
Cindy AllenAugust 25,2022 at 12:37PM UTC
Time to distance yourself from your co-worker. At this point you may be unintentionally adding to the already in motion drama. You don’t want to be in that position. Distance, do your own work, and if asked by your boss or HR you can discuss your concerns. You aren’t responsible for her behavior only your own.
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 12:40PM UTC
Hi! From what I read, this person has an issue with everybody and feigns victim in every situation. She has performance issues that is being hidden by your 'help'. She has become known as a source of toxicity (calling the place of emplyment a sht*hole?!) and is now latching on to you as it seems her 'friends' have taken a step back.
No one needs to give a name in HR, if she works for the company, she can find it. I encourage you to take a step back, establish boundaries (I have 15 minutes, what is your question) and not get lumped in with her.
I had a situation where a person on my team would ask for 'help' and would want people to spend an hour sitting with them doing the work. I asked them to note the questions they have as it may reveal a need to improve the process documentation or training materials. It would aleays be a 'quick question' but one that didn't get written. I also encouraged my team to reduce the one on ones to 10 minutes to answer questions as my budget doesn't have room for 2 people to collectivly take 2 hours for one task. This revealed how much this person didn't know and how often they used their peers to cover that.
It is great that you would offer assistance to a colleague; however she is not asking for help, she is leaning on you and you're her enabler which isn't fair to you. Best wishes!
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 12:55PM UTC
First, stop helping. It's her job and her responsibility. If her workload needs to be rebalanced, she needs to talk to her boss about reassigning some of it. Your help is just enabling her to not meet her performance requirements.
Second, distance yourself from the non-work related conversations. She's just looking for someone to complain to and it puts your professional reputation at risk should it come out.
Lastly, document everything. Every request for help, every conversation so that if/when she tried to throw you under the bus for something not being done or something that was said you can defend yourself.
I've worked with people like this, they will play the victim and take advantage wherever they can. They will also try to take you down with them.
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 1:08PM UTC
Everything she said above...CYA! Do it! especially the second part. You need to distance your self from her altogether, work related AND non work related. She sounds like a leech.... she has sucks others in the team dry and is looking for anew victim. I'm not beyond telling you to block and completely ignore her. And definitely document and at some point escalate to your superior about how "uncomfortable" she is making you. When the leech retaliates...which she will when the boss confronts her... make sure you have all your documentation in order to disprove everything she says.
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 6:01PM UTC
What are You doing? You focus too much on this person. She has worked there for years so you are nit helping the situation by keeping track of her drama and helping to keep her work completed.
JJAugust 25,2022 at 7:52PM UTC
Wow.
I’m exhausted just reading that. How have you done this for a year? Just say no or ignore her and focus on your own work. It will only get worse and you’ll end up in the middle of her drama. Obviously you may have to talk about work topics occasionally but the second it goes to personal, get out of the conversation. This may be a great lesson for you to learn about your own boundaries and needs.
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 9:11PM UTC
You are a professional and should be able to handle saying no to a coworker without calling your boss.
Audrey KirschAugust 26,2022 at 12:02AM UTC
That's a lot of drama! Makes me so thankful for my remote position. You seriously need to distance yourself from this person. Let her know that you'd love to help her but you just have too much on your plate already so unfortunately can't help. Same with Skype. Say you'd love to chat but too busy at the moment and you'll have to get back to her. You need to establish boundaries. People like this will try to take you down with them.
AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 1:10PM UTC
We as women tend to justify and over explain our actions. No need to say I’d love to help you or I’d love to chat. Just say no! The OP is trying to get out of ways to help or engage in workplace drama. Totally unnecessary to use this filler language to soften an uncomfortable conversation.
Audrey KirschAugust 27,2022 at 3:44PM UTC
Being that direct will just make the OP another target of this person’s drama. Being pleasant doesn’t take any extra effort so is worth trying. If Ms Drama doesn’t take the hint or get the message, there is plenty of time to be blunt. I prefer a multi level approach.
Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistAugust 26,2022 at 7:05AM UTC
YOU SAID:
"I feel awful saying no to her requests for help" and "but her argument is that "nobody helps" her. "
Um, why in the world would you feel awful saying no to her? You have your own job responsibilities and she has hers. She's been there 3 years. It's not your responsibility to hold her hand or do her work for her. It's also no one's responsibility to help her.
She needs to put on her big girl panties and do her job. That's how the real world works.
Please stop enabling this person and disengage from her before it gets turned around on you. Stop helping her and especially stop the one hour complaining calls.
VanessaAugust 26,2022 at 12:55PM UTC
These types of scenarios are becoming more commonplace in today’s marketplace. Stress is something we all must manage from home to work. HR should offer some solutions and/or reasonable action plans. My advice, remain calm and allow her to find her way. Keep your peace! Best regards!
AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 2:56PM UTC
I wouldn't escalate to the boss. Like everyone else stated, he knows what's going on.
It sounds like this is her first corporate job and she is struggling to adjust (not an excuse just an observation). It also sounds like she has a lot of negative in her life right now and she's gotten sucked into a spinning wheel of unhappy. I'm honestly a bit surprised that HR hasn't gotten involved.
Unpopular opinion, but I completely understand feeling guilty about saying no to her. I have some ideas for you on things that you can do and say in some of these situations. If she pays attention to you, she should start to learn and change. If she doesn't, then you need to start extricating yourself delicately.
When she complains about the boss and how he responded to her. Tell her what you said here. That when you read it, you don't see any malice/rudeness in what he said, he talks very bluntly and no nonsense to you as well and that is just how he communicates.
When she sends you stuff over skype or teams. Tell her that she should be careful with what she says over these since the company clearly monitors what people are saying.
When she asks you for help at the end of the day. Tell her you wish you could but you already have plans and need to leave right when your day ends. Then say something like you have faith that she can get it done without you and suggest that in the future she set a meeting on your calendar for earlier in the day (assuming that is part of your work culture to use calendars like that). Then when you do help her, ask her questions that guide her to the answers instead of doing the work outright.
The next time she says the company is a "shit hole" or complains about it in general. Ask her what types of things outside of work she's done lately that have made her happy. Can even say something like when I have bad days at work I make sure that I do xxx activity that I enjoy and it really helps me stay balanced and not fixate on the negative. Then ask her what her hobbies used to be (if you don't already know) and suggest that she try to get back into it.
If you've already done all of these things, then disregard, but if you haven't, you might try it. It sounds a bit like she could use a mentor especially when it comes to navigating corporate, and it sounds like you want to help her. As long as it doesn't take away from your work, and you don't say anything over skype and teams that could get you in trouble, you might find it worth it to help mentor her in that way.
Like I said, this is I'm sure an unpopular opinion, but it's another option to consider in this situation.
Good luck! I hope everything ends up working out and you get some peace :)
AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 11:25PM UTC
Taking this advice will move you no farther along with this issue. Continue to engage with her and you’ll feed this person’s insatiable narcissistic appetite to pull others into her drama. Withdraw your attention! Again, NO is a complete sentence.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 1:37PM UTC
Be careful of this type.
I worked with a woman once who found out that I had a higher level of education (she was call center, I was Lead Accounting) and went to my boss to complain because I traumatized her as she wasn't as successful.
I kid you not.
My boss defended her and told me to stop being successful, it was hurting her (the week prior, my boss was happy with my progress and I didn't tell the chic a thing, I kept this to myself as I knew how she acted)
Do yourself a favor and limit your dealing with her.
She was 23, I was old enough to be her mother! After I left the role, she was stalking my LinkedIn and I had to block her; I left for better pay and more responsibility. I didn't want her to know where I was)
AnonymousAugust 31,2022 at 12:58PM UTC
If she is doing this with you, who else is she doing this with? What is she actually getting done every day? Sounds like she is getting paid to not work. Is her manager holding her to clear expectations?
So many questions here that aren't for you to answer. I would escalate to your boss and ask for HR to be involved. This situation is not for you to fix - your boss should fix it though may be unaware of some of this. Getting HR involved should ensure that this is all documented, then HR can work with your boss on it.
Liz MilneSeptember 19,2022 at 1:57AM UTC
I would just sit tight and wait: help her as and when you would do for any other colleague (when you have a light work day, if you feel like it, if you know it won't take you long) but no more than that.
From what you've said about her many issues, she's either going to find another position by herself or with your boss' removal of her job. It does sound like she's having a bad time, but that's not an excuse for lengthy ongoing issues with work, especially if she hasn't asked for accommodations while she sorts out grandpa/ boyfriend/ dog etc...