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Questions that I do not and should not have to answer
I am an American Indian woman who is multilingual. I have recently been struggling with my anger that I have for a couple of questions that people ask in a business setting. Weather it is a client, potential employer or a peer. The question that gets asked is why do I speak English so well? (Without am accent) and the other is Where are you “really” from?
I usually answer the first question with: I was born here and I hope I speak my native tongue eloquently.
The answer to the second question usually turns into a volleying back and forth about what the other person wants to know about me.
How do I stand firm in a business setting about being respected when the ecosystem of a business does not allow for that to happen? You have to just take the comments and be polite as possible and put a smile on your face.
Anonymous
09/04/20 at 4:57AM UTC
As an Asian American, I also been asked these two questions. I learned to tell people who I am and what I stand for, whether it's at a networking event or in an interview. Sometimes when I tell people what I stand for, they don't ask these questions. However, in the case that they do, I say, I grew up in San Francisco and these are my values or these are what I bring to the table. If the have follow up questions such as, 'where are you really from', simply repeat myself and continue to carry the conversation into the direction that I want to head in.
User deleted comment on 09/03/20 at 3:23PM UTC
Anonymous
09/03/20 at 7:04AM UTC (Edited)
I hear you loud and clear! The number of times I was asked these questions during grad school was astounding...and frustrating. Depending on the situation, I would use wryness, humor or just a plain assertive "Let's focus on what we are discussing here..." and move the conversation along.
Mandy Trouten
Everything at www.mariese-skincare.com
765
09/03/20 at 6:16AM UTC
Some people, like me, are genuinely curious about racial backgrounds--not where YOU are from, so much as where your ancestors are from. In the rare cases when I ask, I try to phrase it as being about ancestry, though I can think of at least one time when I didn't and had to rephrase it to clarify my intentions. Thankfully, I'm fairly sure that she just thought that I was weird... My ancestry is German, Irish, English, and Scottish, while my family has been in the U.S at least since my father was born. If I remember correctly, my paternal grandfather last lived in Canada before that and I don't know how many generations my mom's family has been in the U.S--at least 2.
Whether the person asking is genuinely curious and non-malicious or actually operates under the delusion that only people of certain colors are native to the U.S, I would probably answer this ^ --that I was born and raised in the U.S, as were my parents, and that my assumption is that s/he is referring to my ancestry, which is as stated above. Then, I would probably advise him/her to phrase his/her question differently in the future, lest s/he needlessly offend countless people through the implication that being a different color keeps them from being true Americans. As for speaking English, most of the world speaks English. It's not like it's a uniquely American language and it's boggling that there are people who are presumably so sheltered that they don't already know that. Even if it were a uniquely American language, it's the unofficial official language in most of the country. Even if you were from another country and had only spent most of k-12 here, you would feasibly be fluent in English. I think entirely too many people need to read more books, watch foreign movies, etc.
Of course, this is primarily in regard to peers, family, friends, and various strangers. With employers and clients, I would likely respond with everything here, minus the firm suggestion that s/he phrase his/her question differently, and with a bit more formality, and hope that s/he is sufficiently humble and chastened by the experience that s/he doesn't repeat the mistake with someone more likely to be offended than me.
Anonymous
09/03/20 at 8AM UTC
Thank you for sharing. I do understand where you are coming from as the person who made the post.
I have a few follow up questions for you Mandy.
1. Why is my identity and ancestral history any business to anyone who is just curious? I share my culture and my experiences with people that I know. I personally don’t think that question should be asked when meeting someone.
2. When you meet people of color, do you pay attention to the way they speak English? I think it’s pretty easy to pick out a native speaker of English when I listen to someone. Would you ever mistake a white colleague’s native American accent in English with an Australian one? I think they are both pretty distinct accents.
Mandy TroutenEverything at www.mariese-skincare.com
765
09/03/20 at 8:46AM UTC
It's no one's business. Most things about life aren't and my being curious about something does not obligate anyone to answer. All I ask is that the person is polite about refusing, just as I would always be polite in asking. Another aspect of courtesy is that I don't ask such personal questions at the first meeting unless we're already talking about ancestry.
Yes and no. Grammar is important to me insofar as I like to be able to understand what a person is saying. However, to borrow an example from my foreign language teacher in high school, I would not overthink it if a person were to say "acquire" or "obtain," rather than "purchase."
I'm usually pretty good at detecting accents, whether or not I can guess what country their family is from. Until now, I had not heard any of the Native American accents outside of movies, which I doubt are an accurate representation. I would still not have assumed that you're Australian, though. My understanding of Australian accents is that they sound very British, but not--which makes sense considering that it was once occupied by Britain--and is considerably "softer" than Mick Dundee's pronunciation.
Likewise, while typing this response, I looked up the sounds of the Cherokee, Apache, and Lakota Sioux languages. The Lakota language sounds similar to at least one film depiction that I saw at some point. However, I don't know that I've ever heard Cherokee or Apache, nor most others. If I were to assume a language background, I would be undecided among Arabic, Japanese, and the Hawaiian native language--and that's keeping in mind that I don't speak any language except English, a small amount of Spanish, a smaller amount of French, and a couple words in German.
Anonymous
09/08/20 at 8:26PM UTC
Mandy, you are right that it is not anyone's business. That is the point that I am trying to make. I completely understand where you are coming from with curiosity. I think a lot of folks use curiosity in the name of asking these questions. However, it is a pretty intimate question to ask if I just met someone.
It is the way that the curiosity is used in this situation versus wanting a genuine connection.
In other words curiosity is used as a weapon and a power play. This is the real reason why many folks of color such as myself dislike the question and the implied decorum that has to be executed by the person of color.
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