Different religions

Question

My boyfriend and I are from different religions and now we are suffering to decide if we should stay together and get married or not. How to explain to your future kids what’s right and wrong when the religions are so different. Anyone here with this kind of experience?

Renata Vianna · Answer

If your values don't align and you both intend to have kids the future, I think it'll put you both in a very difficult position if you're not willing to work together and compromise and see what teachings in your religions truly matter to each of you. I think it's a matter of establishing what's non-negotiable and what you can work on together, and see if that satisfies both of you.

For instance, let's say one of you feels strongly that a daughter should be raised to be a strong-willed, independent and well-educated woman, but the other one believes that a woman should be raised to be meek and her highest role in life is actually the one of a mother and wife, so that's what they want to mold their daughter to be; because of that, her education and opportunities in life wouldn't be important priorities. If both people in this  example don't compromise or don't want to change how their values reflect how they see this issue, there's no way these people and this child will be set up for happiness and success in the decades of their lives they spend together.

Another example: if one person believes in a God who's all forgiving and all merciful, their religion probably holds a code of conduct that's based on atonement, forgiveness, and the effort to make things right to the best of the devotee's ability. Now if the  other person follows a religion where they believe in a God who is punitive and vengeful, this will tend to bring up feelings of shame and guilt over mistakes this person might make during the course of their lives and might lead to anger, secrecy, and other maladaptive behaviors. Both of these sets of conduct and belief will make up the person's psyche and personality, and will be passed down to their children down the line. So these are also points to consider.

Like I said before, IMO, I think this depends on some different factors:

1) how deeply both of you feel you're really meant to be together in the future;

2) if you actually see yourself building a beautiful, happy, fulfilled relationship with this person over the course of your life, and if you see that your religions will help you raise children who will be physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually healthy and thriving individuals who are kind and loving (in case you do want to have children in the future);

3) if you see there are many instances where the religions don't meet eye to eye, you’ll have to consider those points and see if you and your partner are willing to work through them and unite your visions as to the kind of people you want to be, individually but also as a couple, and the kind of life you want to build based on the values you do share.

4) How attached are you both to your religions?  how much would it mean to each of you to have one of you convert to the other's religion? Would you prefer to stay in your individual religions as you are now and make them work together in your marriage? Have both of you considered how close your religion truly is to your heart and how important it is for you to stay in it? Sometimes these situations are invitations that help us reconsider what's truly important in our lives, and some times, show us how to re-route the course of our lives in a way that's more true to ourselves.

You'll have to be deeply and even brutally honest with yourselves and with each other about all of the points I suggested above, and probably even more points.

I believe once you think through all of that, discuss all of this with the other person and see where they stand, you'll have a pretty solid basis to make a confident decision about what's best for you (and also for the other person!)

Best of luck!

Tami Wolf · Answer

I agree with everything Renata said! I've thought about this a lot because my religion is very important to me and passing it on to my children is non-negotiable for me. My boyfriend was raised Catholic but always celebrated Jewish holidays with that side of his family and is fairly non-religious now, I decided that was good enough since he's willing to raise our kids (or at least let me raise them) Jewish. I am comfortable with the idea of taking my kids to Grandma's or Auntie's house to celebrate with them because we love everyone very much and this is important to them. That's about the extent of my first-hand experience, but I have seen many others navigate this successfully. I know the Jewish community is embracing interfaith couples and doing specific outreach, so other faiths might be as well. One thing I will always avoid is the combining of religions, I think it dilutes both of them in the long run and creates confusion, but that is my personal opinion and it works for some families.

One thing I want to react to in your post is that you talked about one religion being 'right' and one being 'wrong.' I think this is not the best way to frame the discussion, it suggests negativity around your partner's faith. Whenever possible, especially for kids!, I would rather frame the disparity as 'different.' It might take more work, but figuring out how to show how each religion is a different way to get to the same place will be beneficial in the long run.

I always find this topic, and people's choices, incredibly fascinating and would be happy to continue to chat with you!

KimsConundrum · Answer

It’s important to be honest with how religious you really are. Both of you have to compromise.  My husband and I realized that we were not religious for fear of a god, but for measure of human decency, and we agreed to bring our children up to be moral, kind human beings who believe in acceptance and karma- what goes around comes around. We do all the holidays for tradition- a nice way to gather with family and friends.

Nancie Shuman · Answer

My parents were different religions. Never was a problem as long as they were respectful of one another.  We went to the 'church' nearest to us, and were encouraged to explore, then make our own choices when we became adults.  Seems to have worked!  Couple different religions and several different sects within (6 kids), and except for the occasional 'Come to Jesus!!!' moments from my very Catholic brother, all good.

Tabathe Moorer tr · Answer

I think most ppl go through this. Just gotta find a common ground

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