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Confused
I am in my early 30's and at a job that means absolutely nothing to me. It's not in my major, I sit around all day and feel like I'm not contributing anything to society. It was a job I took due to circumstances not allowing me to stay at my old job. I am now engaged to a wonderful man. Last night at dinner the topic of me being restless at this place came up. I told him I would love to look back in the downtown area for something better paying. His response was "well, when we have kids (which we both know we would like and are in 100% agreement) wouldn't you stay home with them? If you don't your entire check would literally go to child care." I was thrown off by a couple of things here...
1st: The assumption I would be a SAHM - which I'm okay with, but I guess I wasn't okay with him automatically assuming it?
2nd: Feeling inadequate b/c I can't make the money he is making to contribute financially to our future family
3rd: Kind of feels like he wants me to stay in the dead-end job until I get pregnant, doesn't it? We are getting married next summer and plan to start a family shortly after.
Do I stay where I'm at and make the best of it?
Do I go after a better paying job? I don't want to feel like a free loader - Note: He has NEVER made me feel that way, I think it's more in my head.
Thoughts?
Anonymous
09/13/19 at 3:13PM UTC
You may want to go to a marriage counselor with your fiance to work out some of these important issues, or decide to go your separate ways. Don't let anyone, boss or fiance, take away your power. That doesn't mean "don't compromise" if it's something you truly feel you can do, but don't be guilted into it. Put off the wedding for now.
JoyDallasHealthcare & SaaS marketing leader
125
09/12/19 at 3:05PM UTC
Because you’re not married or pregnant yet, focus on finding a job that pays more and gets you into your desired field.
You sound unhappy. Work on that little by little each day, and let the SAHM decision wait until you have a child.
Keep talking to your fiancé and understand each other’s expectations and desires. You don’t have to decide anything anytime soon.
Anonymous
09/12/19 at 2:40PM UTC
Hi, I would advice, go for a job that satisfies you, even if it is a bit away from home. After marriage take up a home which is about midway from your and your husband's office, so that you can share commute equally. Never leave everything for husband and kids because kids eventually grow up and husband will start taking you for granted sometime or later. It may not always happen, but mostly it is so. And change your job for the better when you are still unmarried and without a kid because believe me, it gets difficult afterward. You will anyway get maternity leave and then join back. If possible get au pair or parental help to raise kids at least in the initial years. I am working for the past 18 years and married for past 17 years and mother to a 11 + year old kid, I have been through it all. Dont think of becoming a full time mother/housewife till you have secured your financial future. Also in these times your husband might get sacked, what happens then if you also have 2 kids to support? Life is tough, but better take tough decisions early to avoid unpleasant circumstances later,
User deleted comment on 09/12/19 at 2:39PM UTC
Lady NBB63Experienced marketing professional and parent
99
09/12/19 at 2:20PM UTC
While no one likes to think of divorce going in to a marriage, I think one has to be prepared. You just never know. You also never know whether your soon-to-be husband will keep his job. He could be let go / laid off or even decide to quit. The future is uncertain and kids are expensive.
I'm a firm believer in two incomes and staying in the workforce while raising children, even though it can be very, very challenging and exhausting. Even staying in part-time is a good thing, if you're lucky enough to find something you like in your field. I'm in my mid-50s and I've run into far too many women who ended up divorced or alone and had to climb (or even claw) their way back in to the workforce after a long absence raising a family.
I think it's great you're having these conversations now, prior to marriage and I would never, ever, wish divorce or anything bad on you / your future husband and family. All I'm saying is you never know....
Anonymous
09/12/19 at 2:06PM UTC
The guy I dated prior to DH couldn’t wrap his head around the idea that while I wanted kids, I also wanted a career. One of many reasons that relationship didn’t work out. Then I was introduced to DH by a mutual friend. First date, after we were seated at dinner, I told him that I needed to tell him a few things. I told him that 1) I’m a direct person, 2) I plan on having kids and 3) I plan to continue working after I have kids. I didn’t want to waste any time with someone who didn’t want the same things as me.
Sounds like you need to have some lengthy conversations about not just kids, but your views on your finances as a whole. Really figure out if you two are on the same page. I love my DH but our biggest arguments are about the kids (he’s way more permissive) and money (daycare in our HCOL area is insane- $1875 per month for the 2 year old).
Lady Fairygodboss 93
70
09/12/19 at 1:58PM UTC
My advice - only stay at home if you want to. You could compromise to stay at home for 2.5-3 years, then put your child in daycare, or have a nanny come to your home during the day. Also I have a couple of friends who've had an au pair live with them, which is less expensive in many cases and the person lives with you to help out 24/7. Bottom line, only do what YOU want. Every parent should make some sacrifices for their child, and your future husband should want you to be happy. If you do decide to stay at home for the betterment of your child and your family income, I would advise have a clear understanding of how long you will do this, so you can return to your career. I'm a 55 year old grandmother and I married young. I gave up so much merely because my husband asked/expected me to. My sister did the same thing and we both regret it. Do what fulfills you.
jkernohanI empower women in their careers.
13
09/12/19 at 1:25PM UTC
This is only the beginning of these conversations and concessions women make- BUT- I will say having done it- SAHM- it’s not forever. I took off 6 years with my kids- which I wouldn’t change- and got my MBA and went back to work when they were older. My husband and I have taken turns on our careers- and their importance. My husband stayed in a job to be able to work from home after I went back to work- for the kids. It’s a trade off. It’s not forever. That’s what I would say to my younger self. Good luck.
Flossy Client Solutions Consultant
1.98k
09/12/19 at 12:56PM UTC
There is a ton of good advice here. I don’t think the conversation is done with your fiancé.
I don’t know what your major is but if getting a position now and working for a couple of years will position you to do something either freelance or part time after you are a mom - do that.
The two of you need to have some serious talks about kids, yourself worth, and your financial future. Things like if I do stay home, we must continue fund an IRA for me and max it out every year. No it’s ands or buts.
You can’t finance your retirement. You can everything else. For that matter, you might suggest living solely on his salary now for two months. Everything groceries if you want a new pair of shoes. See if that’s possible. You sock yours away. Also please max out your 401k now.
I have seen too many newly divorced moms with custody of the kids and a house they can’t afford because the man has walked away with a younger model. Their skills are ancient. They have nothing in their own name.
This might also be the case for a pre nup. If you are expected to stay at home get in writing what you will received.
Sorry to take the love and romance out of a wedding but it is a legal contract. That in many states takes $20k to dissolve if you agree on everything.
Don’t even think about saying I do until you aren’t confused and have a financial agreement that covers you.
Patti Working in tech in Colorado
465
09/11/19 at 3:16PM UTC
What makes you happy right now? Do you see yourself staying home when the children go back to school? Would you see yourself possibly making enough that not all of your money would go to child care? A lot of jobs are thinking about work/life balance benefits to attract workers. I don't see the point of staying in a job that makes you miserable because you might be having children in a few years. It is okay to plan for the future. That is exciting. But live FOR today.
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