Social at Work

Question

I'm struggling with feeling left out at work. I've been in the office for about two months and I don't feel invited into conversation. It seems like the group gets together to talk and joke about things, but when I try to be warm and welcoming it feels like people don't think I'm sincere or just aren't interested. One person said that she is an introvert and busy, but we are all busy and she seems to have time to enjoy conversations with other people in the office. Honestly, I'm not sure why this bothering me and I've tried to think about something else. The pro of not feeling wanted is my work life is staying separate from my personal life. Its easier to have a clear boundary without the emotional attachment, but I just wonder how long it will take to feel like I belong.

Anonymous · Answer

Why don't you try to connect to individuals instead of the group? It is hard to to make any connections in a group. Start being interested in each individual by asking questions about him/her when you run into them - when you see them in a  lobby getting coffee, in a rest room, and so on. People are not nice in groups (they become herdy) but if you approach them individually, you can win the group.

Anonymous · Answer

I empathize and sympathize with you. If the advice you try does not work after awhile, sometimes it is them and not you if this is an atypical experience for you.  You could try documenting both negative and positive events and refer back to see if there is a pattern or just coincidence. Your mental health is most important so you may need to find a warmer culture at another company.

I lived in a certain state for several years and it was like that at work and outside of work. I went online for advice, joined groups, meetups, straight up asked around, etc. Due to the highly passive aggressive culture, when I tried to engage or relate on any level/type of topic, people thought I was sarcastic or had a hidden agenda. The ones that wanted to engage just wanted to gossip. Not for me. I am a naturally warm and generous person that does not have issues making connections. The first year, I thought it was me and tried everything. Had many miserable transplants, even some locals, tell me that it was not going to change and to only expect to make friends with other transplants. My situation did not change with a change in company. We finally moved and that fixed it. I am still getting over that horrible and surreal experience of being made to feel less than for being a transplant and gaslighted whenever I tried to validate my experience.

Keri Wilson · Answer

I agree with the poster who suggested you try to ferret out individuals, not try with the whole group (clique).  Ask them about them.  Maybe even compliment them if you can (that color looks great on you!) 
Dale Carnegie says that people love to talk about themselves.  Eventually you may find the one who has something in common with you.  Or not.  In the end, it may be that you just don't make a connection with any of these people (as hard as that is to imagine).
Do you like the work?  Do you get along with your manager? Do you know your purpose in the organization?  Or is personal connection and/or teamwork a vital need for you (it is for me)?  Meanwhile, take full advantage of your personal circle of friends so you can fill your cup extra full for the work week ahead.

Holly Jacobs · Answer

Anonymous,
Please, give us a for instances on the kind of conversation you want to be included in.

Social at Work

You're invited.

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