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My Manager is a bully- pitting teammates against me
Hi Ladies of Tech,
I have reached my breaking point with my toxic boss and coworkers. i am a high achieving, smart and savvy woman. My boss is threatened by me and so are my coworkers. They bullied me on a call telling me my work was not needed. I am beaten down. I spoke to my bosses boss who I have a great relationship with. He is also drinking the toxic kool aid. Now blaming me for not making it work with her.. That we are oil and water.. (gaslighting) when two months ago he said all the executives above him will totally support me.... i cant deal with her micro managing and undermining anymore!! How can I get out of this situation unscathed?
T
Just a 30 something grad student trying to ADULT
174
03/17/20 at 9:33PM UTC
I completely get what your saying my boss is totally the same. She is super jealous of me and doesn't like anyone being friendly to me at all and she plays a lot of trickery with her words... I don't think people notice... and I haven't been able to tell upper management yet because it seems like their in on it too and the director my bosses boss boss.. (if that makes sense) lol is out of the office for a while. The only thing I can do is ignore the toxic behavior stay to myself and patiently wait. I have also been looking for another job and because of this corona virus I don't think people will be hiring anytime soon. All i can say is keep your head up and possibly look for another position and be strategic in your communication tell your bosses boss? I've indirectly told on my boss but it's not enough.
Renee Radcliff SinclairCommitted to building engagement in government
910
03/17/20 at 6:53PM UTC (Edited)
So I used to work for one of the BIG tech firms, too. And was bullied. When I reported it, I became a target that ultimately led to me resigning...and it was the best decision of my life. Even though there were times when I wanted to stay and fight, I knew my ultimate long-term physical and mental health required that I leave that toxic environment. Maybe you need to do that, too? I was lucky, I got appointed by my state's Governor to serve on a natural disaster-related task force that really helped me see that the environment I was in was toxic -- not only to me, but to others -- and that I was not going to be able to change it. The only thing I could control was me. So I left. Seriously, best decision of my life. It took me about five months to find my dream job through networking and letting people know I was up for a new adventure. The funny thing is, I'm still friends with a lot of the people I worked with at the BIG tech company...most of them saw the duplicity of policies vs. reality. If you can make the leap, it might be just what you need. Sending you good vibes!
Nathalie DBOwner of SOCRATE Consulting
Mediator for WFP
18
03/17/20 at 6:11PM UTC
Hi to all of you,
I've just started a new work as part-time workplace mediator for a big ONG based in Rome, and I already had to deal with 2 cases of harassment. So, I read with lots of interest all your contributions - to try to understand better the dynamic and the hurted feelings (sorry I'm not native english).
Something really puzzled me in all your contribution: it looks that's always you - the victim - who at the end leaves the job. And I find it really sad if you loved your job. At the same time, it's true that maybe I would also advise it.
But I wonder if there couldn't be another solution? What if you would look at yourself as "the victim" but as "an actor" in that dynamic? what would that change for you? And if this actor would decide to play it differently? With another more assertive script?
or And If the bully was only trying to hide his own vulnerabilities? his own lack of self-esteem ? what would that change in your script?
Maybe this time it won't help, but in a potential new situation if you think about it from the beginning, it may change the dynamic. Those behaviors are so often systemic...
Anonymous
03/17/20 at 6:47PM UTC
Yes I tried being assertive. I am a respected leader in my field and at co. But I learned quickly, to keep my mouth shut or receive backlash. An actor.. interesting way to look at it. I have researched the Bully POV.. It still doesn’t make it ok. But, I did uncover that people who have been abused early on in their lives are easy targets for a bully. I am learning a great deal from this experience.
Nathalie DBOwner of SOCRATE Consulting
Mediator for WFP
18
03/18/20 at 11:38AM UTC
I like very much you last sentence: it shows great resilience and still space for positive way out.
If you are willing to, I can propose you a free coaching like conversation to help you to find your own best solution. Just send me a message through Linkedin, my full name Nathalie De Broux & I'm base in Italy, and I'll be happy to help.
Anonymous
03/18/20 at 12:35PM UTC
Thank you Nathalie. I will connect with you. Hope you are safe and well on Italy!
Maggie BBusiness and Data Analysis Consultant
983
03/17/20 at 4:37PM UTC
Echoing all the comments here about documentation and recording. Do all you can to protect yourself.
Feel free to message me (or e-mail: [email protected]) - I've been in that position and I'd love to help you tailor your resume to find somewhere better.
Anonymous
03/17/20 at 4:03PM UTC
Sadly I understand your comments. I was in a similar situation, unfortunately they ultimately fired me. My team lead didn't like that I was more experienced than him, made more money then him, and knew how to do more than him. So he started nit picking. When I went to my manager about his actions I was told I would have to be perfect in order to stop his actions.
JENN O'TOOLLeadership and Career Transformation Coach
99
03/17/20 at 10:02PM UTC
It's infortunate how many people find themselves in this situation when they are just trying to do their best work.
OP - I understand your comments regarding PTSD -- I had that as well in my situation - I just wish I would have left the company instead of thinking I could eventually change the situation.
My boss, the COO, pitted me against a co-worker he knew was a challenge for me anyway. Encouraging me to take certain actions, saying he would support me, and in the end completely leave me hanging. After my colleague and I spent months in required "leadership development" and mediation of sorts, we discovered that the COO was advising his on what to do to ME. He was basically setting us up to battle each other and sat back and watched it for sport, playing the role of "fixer". [Ughhhhh...it raises my blood pressure even now almost 10 years later just thinking about it]
In the end, I was fired for not responding to an instant message in a timely manner. Yeap - my colleague (not the same one), after waiting 15 whole minutes - had to get up from her desk (no more than 50 feet from mine) to ask me a question in person. And as if this could in ANY way even remotely be a fireable offense, the fact that this employee felt not only empowered to tattle on me but also the fact that this information was taken seriously as a complaint, points to an almost comical state of toxicity. It took a full 18 months after that to feel confident in who I was again - toxicity can RUIN you if you don't get out.
I don't recommend trying to do anything to appease your boss in order to stay and make things better...Male or female...doesn't matter...it's about power and control and not unlike an abusive relationship if you allow it to continue.
Angelia Mirkhani
14
03/18/20 at 4:46AM UTC (Edited)
What was is that finally helped you get your confidence back? I had an almost identical situation and it’s been about 14 months and I am still struggling. Any advice is welcomed. Thank you.
JENN O'TOOLLeadership and Career Transformation Coach
99
03/18/20 at 7:08PM UTC
Honestly for the first few months I struggled a lot with self-esteem and identity since my boss had really destroyed my confidence and I was wondering if I was no longer good at what I had been doing for 20 years. There was really no way for me to successfully job hunt because I had no idea if I wanted to continue in my same career ans didn't feel confident enough to even present well in interviews. I focused instead on a personal project for a few months, then decided to look for contract assignments in my field where I didn't have to commit long term and could see if that brought me to a good place. When I started my 4th Contract gig (17 months after leaving my job) there was something that finally clicked for me - I felt like I belonged there. People were kind and I was back to utilizing my full set of talents which helped me to reclaim who I was and what I had to offer.
Don't be too self critical about it taking longer than you thought. Much of it is about finding your voice again and taking back the power you gave up to the bullies in the toxic workplace. It's a long road but I can say that it has made me stronger and much more aware of how the energy (people and environment) at work impacts me and I can deal with it more intentionally if I sense any negative shifts.
See other replies
Anonymous
03/17/20 at 10:22PM UTC
I am so sorry that happened to you! You are a miracle for surviving it. I am getting out as fast as possible.
Maggie BBusiness and Data Analysis Consultant
983
03/17/20 at 4:35PM UTC
Same here! Getting fired though may have been the best thing - I ended up somewhere SO MUCH BETTER.
Anonymous
03/17/20 at 4:20PM UTC
Sounds like my situation. Yes I am more experienced, and I am the same salary level. But my manager doesn’t know anything about marketing so they are threatened. My job is already posted on our careers page.
Keva Schulz, PhDMaterials scientist, inclusion lead, artist
59
03/17/20 at 3:27PM UTC
This happened to me. Bullying, mobbing, scapegoating. I went all the way to the CEO. Power protects power-there is no way you can win. I had to leave because it was too unhealthy.
Do not blame yourself. I suggest reading Mobbed!: What to Do When They Really Are Out to Get You by Janice Harper.
Anonymous
03/17/20 at 2:20PM UTC
Another thing, never trust your colleagues in a situation like this in terms of discussing what's happening. It may sound paranoid but everybody is in it to win it. And even the most seemingly caring colleague may be listening just to go back to tell your boss to win favor. Talk to friends and family for support outside of the workplace. Always remain cordial but keep your close friendships outside of the office particularly when something like this is going on. That includes colleagues in adjacent business units.
Angelia Mirkhani
14
03/18/20 at 4:37AM UTC
100% agree. It’s unfortunate but true. You may think fellow employees will have your back, but when it comes down to it, they will do anything to preserve their standing & job with the supervisor/company.
Susan Creidler
17
03/17/20 at 2:19PM UTC
I just went through a very similar experience. I tried for almost 2 years to fix it. In the end all it did was make me miserable and completely destroy my confidence. My advice is to get out of there before they push you out which will make you feel worse. I am so happy now that I am out of that position! I feel like I'm detoxing from all the negative bs. Trust me - its not worth it
Tarshish Jordan
15
03/17/20 at 1:11PM UTC
As a result, they finally granted my request to be reassigned to a new supervisor.
Tarshish Jordan
15
03/17/20 at 1:09PM UTC (Edited)
You must document and report every incident, and use the sources available to you, like EEO to fight back! Send emails to every person that has the authority to give you some relief.
I am in a very similar situation, and I finally started fighting back after dealing with the harassment for almost 2 years. In 2017, my supervisor told me that she was intrigued with me, and somehow her intrigue turn into an obsession; she became demeaning and controlling daily!
I also think her “intrigue” had a racial undertone from the beginning because she admitted that she was comparing me to African-American women she managed in the past.
I didn’t want them label me as “the angry Black female” so I was very cautious about how I handled the situation, but my “passive professional approach” only seemed to fuel her like a high-school bully going after a weaker child that wouldn’t fight back!
I started documenting everything! I reported her to HR and EEO and I currently have a formal complaint against her. I‘ve worked for this organization for 29 1/2 years, I’ve always had outstanding performance appraisals. I never wanted to use the EEO services but sometimes you have to!!
Fight Back & Find Another Job!
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