The Awareness Gap

Question

In the last fifty years women have done the hard work of becoming more self-aware. We go to therapy, hire coaches, do yoga, lead our families, work full time jobs. I find it infuriating and surprising that so many men (of all generations) still have gendered expectations that women will: 1. do or lead all of the emotional labor in the relationship or family; 2. absorb/contain men's feelings rather than expect that their partner, brother, or father do his own emotional work to deal with his feelings; 3. defer to the men in her life for decision making and leadership. As someone who is married to a man, I encounter this frequently and find it frustrating. As a therapist who works with a number of professional, successful women, I find it mind-blowing. What is your experience?

M Elizabeth Ingram · Answer

It's hard, but so much of it is hardwired into the culture.  I grew up with a father and uncles who were very aware of their emotions and comfortable in them, but my husband grew up in a culture where men don't cry and are supposed to be the breadwinners.  It's super hard for him to accept that those things aren't necessary for me to have a respectful relationship with him.  It's frustrating for me, but I can't force a change,

Katie Henderson Ladyboss752675 · Answer

Gotta share! In the last few weeks, my dear dominating husband has had some amazing insights and it is very clear he is trying to understand things from my perspective as never before. Will wonders never cease! He even watched the movie about Mary Magdaline, and expressed his dissatisfaction with the way she has been treated by (male) historians. (If you're thinking about watching, I had to fast forward thru some of the scenes, but it is quite beautifully filmed on location in the Holy Land.)

Rachel Reilly · Answer

I agree that so much of this has to do, not necessarily with a man’s innate stance on self-awareness & growth, but rather on society’s expectations and the individual family’s expectations. “Be a man” has so many interpretations; what falls under that umbrella? What’s true for one man does not hold water for another. Certain actions, emotions, & conversations are deemed acceptable depending on the people surrounding the man in question.

As women continuing  to push ourselves in these areas and voice our experiences, my hope is that the men who love & care about us will take notice of how powerful our inner-work is and therefore become more open to studying themselves. It is a rather slow process but I have definitely witnessed this with men in my life. I had to bare my soul and be vulnerable in many instances to get my points across, but that resulted in a deeper connections with my father, boyfriend(s), & several male friends. Inevitably, we go back to what we “know”, which is our childhood environment among people we trust, until we are forced to break the cycle and do better.

Katie Henderson Ladyboss752675 · Answer

I feel your pain. I love my husband but he dominates every conversation, interrupts me, and doesn't listen to what I say. I have never ONCE used the remote control! He is a retired executive, and is used to having his way. I gently remind him that he can relax; he doesn't have to control everything, and I have good ideas too. It takes the patience of a saint. On the positive side, he is dependable, honest, generous, and has worked hard for his success. I do believe the younger generations have it better. At least I hope they do! Do you, younger folks?

The Awareness Gap

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