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help me
Hello,
I left my country to go to another one for studies, I got a scholarship to do a phd in math. I used to be a brilliant and a hard working student but since I came to this this country I don't know myself anymore. I became very ineffective, I don't do job well, I don't work as hard as before, I have hard time at adapting myself to this new life. I've always been with my family, it's the first time that I've left them and I didn't expect that it'll hit me this hard. I always feel like a failure and I don't deserve to be here. Sometimes I get very depressed to the point I start imagined how worthless I am and how the world would not move an inch if I kill myself. I have only dark thoughts in my head. I want to be the person I used to be. I want to be motivated and hardworking again. Help me please.
Lola2730
13
04/29/19 at 4:04AM UTC
What you're going through happens a lot to millions of immigrants worldwide (I speak from experience). To be successful in a new country you must drop any harmful pride that gets in the way and swallow a huge dose of humility. You gotta be willing to go through moments where you feel like an idiot, to be vulnerable, to put yourself out there to learn the things that are necessary for adaptation. It hurts a great deal, but the positive results will come little by little. Some people withdraw from the race and just can't take it. But you're not quitting material, you're a freaking Ph.D. student, and whether you think you deserve it or not does not matter at all, *you're in* and you have to embrace your reality and focus on the present. What matters is that you have the opportunity, so cherish it and take care of it.
Consistency is key here. Don't oppress yourself by trying to compare your perfomance from the past which was at a different level. You're at a harder level now, with adaptation struggles that are common to all foreigners so of course you're not going to be performing at the same level when you were in the center of what was familiar and comfortable. That star performance was for that specific location and headspace, and you will get there again once you accept what is going on now. You will find comfort when you're kinder to yourself. You need to get rid of the pride that is holding you back and find the humility to accept what you can give at this moment in your life. So you are consistent with what you can give, a little bit now, every day. Stop pushing so hard to meet the standards you had before and accept what you can do now, and do that on a daily basis without cursing yourself in the process. Treat yourself like you'd treat a friend that you love. You will catch up, but you gotta stop getting in your own way.
Ellen W.Just trying to make a difference. :-)
212
04/28/19 at 8:55PM UTC
Kenza, I hope you can feel the strength and love coming your way from those who have responded to your post. There is so much to adjust to when you move to a different country and that is stressful. You said that you've always been near your family; this is another major adjustment. You've left behind the support systems and relationships that you've had years to build and new friendships haven't had very long to develop that depth. You have SO much that you are dealing with and it is normal to feel down and question yourself as you work to adjust to a new normal. I strongly urge you to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (mentioned above by Coach Sandra) so you can get help and on your way to feeling better. Lastly, you ARE the same person you were-- you're just dealing with a lot of change all at once and don't have your support systems there that you've been able to turn to before.
Mathieu DutourMathematician by training (PhD), working in IT.
101
04/28/19 at 4:41PM UTC
Maybe the key point is "PhD in math".
I can tell you that the jump to PhD studies is a big one. You are no longer the one learning knowledge made by other, you are becoming the one making the new knowledge.
I can tell you that most PhD students pass by the stage of doubting themselves. This happens to many PhD students I know who became very successful later on.
The important thing for a PhD in math is to be able to continue forward, to still have leads about how to unlock your problems. Also useful is to have two research projects at the same time. One may be blocked, but the second may be working out ok.
Pia Angela Gatela
11
04/28/19 at 1PM UTC
Hey Kenza,
Girl, I know that it's really hard especially when you are alone in a country just by yourself. It's also painful to know that in the place you are now you are feeling different and start questioning yourself because it seems that all your hard works and efforts is not worth it. I realized that questioning yourself and devaluing yourself won't help you any good. The only thing that you need is to accept that there are people better than you, that's a fact but if you don't want to regret anything I suggest that you give your all in everything that you do. I also want to comment about your depression to the point of thinking of killing yourself, it may sound cliche but once you die you won't feel complete, you won't know the answers to your questions and will leave your family and loved ones hanging. Remember, right now they are waiting... waiting for you to come back with Ph. d.
If you feel like you are alone you can always talk to God, talking to Him helps me get over and conquer my problems. May you find peace in Him, because He said, "come to me, weary and burdened and I will give you rest."
Hope this help Kenza. Fighting and may you live a spirit-filled life. You are important :)
tania_asimi
12
04/25/19 at 1:16PM UTC
Hey Kenza,
The first year is always difficult when you first move countries. However it will get better :)
I've changed countries twice now (and continents) and it gets easier after a while, but I believe that the main thing that maybe you're missing and has an impact is your support circle (friends or family or both)
Hope this helps
Sandra DiazI leverage data and systems to deliver results.
764
04/25/19 at 11:19AM UTC
Kenza,
I recommend you call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline immediately.
1-800-273-8255
http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
They will direct you to resources that will be able to better assist you, since what you describe requires the urgent intervention of a mental health professional.
oliviajones1989
36
04/25/19 at 11:15AM UTC
Hi Kenza- this is 100% normal when you leave your home country. Its the adjustment to new life, new ways, and growth. However, I think you're getting into some very dangerous depression. You should definitely see a therapist to help!
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