The last month of the year but a start of another hope blossoming in our hearts. Honestly, I never thought I could make it up to this month, I can’t count with my fingers the number of times I break down even the liters of tears I cried almost every night. The anxiety I have felt for the last 8 months was so awful I wanted it to stop but it feels like I was stuck in a quicksand I can’t seem to get up, it was pulling me down real hard. I thought I’m going to lose my mind. Many times I tried to pick up my shattered pieces but every time I felt like I was about to form it back into place it will just fall down and broke all over again. I lost hope for myself, I just quit dreaming because I don’t know what to do with my life. I told myself “I am not like this” countless times. I can’t seem to look at the mirror because I am just going to hate myself even more that’s for sure. I started to fear my friends’ invitation. I felt like a mess, I don’t want them to see me like this. I don’t want them to pity me. I talked to some people and learn their struggling too but in a different kind of ways. I comforted and lifted them up while I am still fighting my own problems. I wanted to see them getting up and win their fights because I know how hard it was. I encouraged them and tried to help fixing themselves while I forgot to fix myself. Inspirational words and books no longer affect me. Days and nights are just like winds passing by real fast I can’t seem to feel it. I knew I was breathing but I knew I am no longer living. They thought I was fine but clearly I’m not. I wanted to cry for help but I don’t know to myself what help I really needed. Then I looked back since the day the lock down happened. I was able to read books and drew again. The old hobbies I seem to forget when I was still working. I was able to watched movies, something I always longing to do but couldn’t find time for it. I was able to talk with people I loss contact before. I was able to tried dishes I thought I could not make. I made beautiful designs to my journal. As I closed my eyes while thinking all of the things I made I asked myself why I didn’t see all of this much earlier. Then I realized everything are meant to happen for me to see all the things I’ve taken for granted. To see all the things I never appreciated. To see that there are much important things in life. If you’re going to ask me now how am I doing now, well, here I am not fully okay but healing and growing. I am going to make it and I hope you too.
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