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I have a female boss who I was once friendly with at work. However, a few months after her promotion she took me off an assignment without explanation or notice  and replaced me with a man.  This had happened before.  So I called her to see if it was something I had done and her response was 'he has more experience.'  I could tell you wasn't being truthful and she was rushing me off the phone.  I asked her to help me understand, she said she would always be honest and she told me she was hanging up - which she did.  Since then she has been punishing me by preventing me from taking on other assignments. We've had a couple talks since then but it just becomes her repeating the same thing from last year.  She sends me emails trying to intimidate me and now I believe she is having others (men) do the same.  I really don't know what to do to make it stop, short of me getting another job.   Anyone have any advice?

Jackie Ghedine · Answer

I'm sorry you have to deal with this! It isn't uncommon for people to change drastically when they receive power.

Here's the bad news, you cannot change what she does or how she acts.   If you have spoken with her already (on several occasions) it is apparent that not only is this not stopping her behavior but instead escalating it.

The only thing you can do is change how you respond to her, that's the only control you have over this situation.

I would start writing down when things are happening, 1) so you have a record for HR (if you haven't done so already) and 2) so you can see if there are any 'patterns' to her behavior. so you can start preparing yourself beforehand.

Then you need to find how you can manage this situation for yourself.

You can create internal boundaries, if she is going to embarrass me in front of colleagues, then I'm going to nod and walk away from the conversation. If she is going to send me emails that are intimidating, then I'm going to file them and send back neutral emails so she doesn't see the emotions.

All bullies thrive on getting under your skin, whatever that looks like for them.  The best justice is neutrality.

You absolutely need to start compiling instances and bring them to HR if they are as egregious as you're saying.

Best of luck!

Anonymous · Answer

The advice from corinadeno and Jackie Ghedine above is great and I can't add anything additional other than to say I am sorry that you have to go through this and to say that this has happened to me.

I thought I had a great (and supportive) co-worker relationship until she got promoted to a role where she was my manager. We had both been Directors and she got promoted to a VP role - which was a role that I did not apply for nor did I want, so there was no envy from me.

She changed after being promoted (or perhaps she showed her true colors).  Among other things, she never missed an opportunity to publicly call me out for anything that didn't sit well with her (which was not part of the corporate culture in case you were wondering that).

In the short-term, her actions did not affect me (I had a great relationship with the CEO who supported me and respected my judgement) but in the long-term, she made me question my ability to identify a 'trusted co-worker' (I thought she was someone I could learn from and I was initially happy that she got the promotion), which I guess was a good lesson to learn.

It's sad to think that the first person who taught me that was a woman.

Corina · Answer

Unfortunately this happens very often. My advice is to try, if you can, ignore her behavior, try and stay positive around her as if nothing is happening and do your job the best that you can. Try this tactic for a while and if you don't see any improvement, I would take it to HR or her superiors. Make sure you have a good track record of achievements before doing so. Good luck!

Anonymous · Answer

If you do decide to go to HR with your concerns, be ready with an escape plan in case they do not have your back.  Sometimes HR is more worried about the organization or leadership than about the individual workers.

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