How do I resolve an argument with my husband?

Question

When something is bugging me, I tend to bottle things up instead of talking about it. I love my husband more than anything but I constantly feel bad when something is bothering me. Basically, I don't say anything until I simply can't take it anymore. So then instead of having a normal hard conversation about how I feel, I end up crying and jumble up my words. Communicating this way is  not fair to him. I need to figure out another way to say what I'm thinking out loud before I turn into a hot mess.

Anonymous · Answer

Sorry to hear! I've used a therapist to help me address what’s bothering me and confront it head on. Maybe that will help!

Anonymous · Answer

Have you tried journaling?  Maybe if you can write out what's bothering you when it's actually happening, you can get some of the tension/anxiety/frustration out and down on paper.  When you're ready to have a conversation with your husband, you may have a better grip on your words!  I have found journaling helpful in untangling some complex feelings, which makes talking about them seem more productive.

Anonymous · Answer

Lashing out is the worst way to respond to those emotions. But that's instinctive behavior and something I think a lot of people have been guilty of, including myself!

Anonymous · Answer

I know this won't fully help the problem but surprising him in lingerie probably would hurt the situation :)

Leah Shi · Answer

great advice

Anonymous · Answer

I hope things work out well!

Anonymous · Answer

Does you husband know that you tend to bottle things up? If not, maybe talking about that's the current way you're communicating will open up a conversation about how you both can speak with each other moving forward. Best of luck!

Anonymous · Answer

I found myself holding feelings in until getting to a boiling point. The I would spill everything to my boyfriend and found I would express circumstances from months ago. I quickly realized that was not healthy for me or my boyfriend. I have since then allowed myself to feel. By that I mean when I get upset I start writing down the situation and trying to figure out why I feel how I do. Too many people say, 'You shouldn't feel that way.' Well that just doesn't help. Figuring out the answer to, 'Ok I feel this way, but why?' can give a lot of insight into whether your feelings are valid or how to get over the negative ones (jealousy, resentment, etc.) we can all let fester.' I believe I was keeping everything in because I didn’t know how to express myself. I wrote my feelings off as being silly or it’ll go away and the few times I did talk to my boyfriend without really figuring out why first, my boyfriend would write it off because I wasn’t making much sense to him. I was all over the place with my conversation and my feelings. Now, once I have found out the root cause of my emotion, I seem to be able to have a healthy conversation right away with my boyfriend. I can express things clearly and tell him what we need to do to correct it. Understanding is power.

The hardest part is making sure you notice when the changes occur because you were able to express your feelings. As an example, my boyfriend would put things away but never in the right spot. After we discussed it I made sure to note when things were put away properly and even tell him thank you. By consciously noting the changes I was able to truly realize how many things were put away properly. I found when I don't take note of the good I only keep noticing the bad. In Pat Summit’s book, Sum It Up, she talks about how her players were constantly saying she only gave negative feedback. Pat knew that was not the case and devised a feedback system in which a player had to say “two points” when they heard her praise, and “rebound” when they heard her criticism. In the book Pat writes, “It was surprising how much better it made everybody feel.” I think that applies here. People hear both praise and criticism, but hold on to the criticism. Recognizing the positive aloud allows us to hold on to that as well.

All of this can be used in the workplace as well.

Anonymous · Answer

I’m going through something similar right now... except my situation has gone on very long and has basically ruined my marriage... I think it’s great that you’re recognizing this now before it’s too late. Therapy seems to be helping me, it may be something you want to consider even in the short-term.

How do I resolve an argument with my husband?

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